The one thing I'm most certain about is that I'm a perfectionist. My Master sees it (puts up with it would be a better way to describe it but then again he's a perfectionist as well - we can't escape it!), my boss sees it, and I constantly battle with it. Battle is definitely the appropriate word. Being wound so tight about things isn't necessarily the healthiest way to function because perfection is impossible, but at the same time falling back into trying to maintain such high standards is a comfort zone for me. One might argue that this would fall back into my slightly neurotic need for copious amounts of structure but that's another topic entirely. The issue I'm talking about today is what happens when I fail at something. Failing by not meeting my standards, failing by making a mistake. Not hitting that level or performance that I expect from myself. It's such a hard thing for me to let go of when it happens and it can actually interfere with Master's responsibility to properly discipline me.
The other day I had slipped up and agreed to do something without first running it by him. Granted, he hadn't explicitly made that a rule for me but he's my Master and at this point in our relationship it should be a common sense type of thing. On the other hand, it was an honest mistake - a case of getting too caught up in the moment. However, I fell well below the expectations I have for myself and couldn't shake the feeling of being "not good enough." After all, I had unintentionally taken control away from him, the exact opposite of anything I ever wanted. And then that's all I can focus on. I wasn't as good as I know I can be, as I expect myself to be.
Then Master said something that finally got through to me. In getting so upset with myself I took away his ability to discipline me as he saw fit. Discipline is HIS responsibility, not mine. I shouldn't fear slip-ups, because everyone makes them. Being imperfect doesn't make him love me any less. Making a mistake doesn't mean I'll lose my collar. I trust in Master, and I know he'll handle the situation in a way that's best for both of us. I'll be expected to learn from the experience, I'll be expected to accept the discipline I'm dealt and I'll be expected to move on and for my full attention to be focused on Master. Trying to meet the expectations he has set for me is where my attention belongs.
