A Lesson in Discipline

The one thing I'm most certain about is that I'm a perfectionist.  My Master sees it (puts up with it would be a better way to describe it but then again he's a perfectionist as well - we can't escape it!), my boss sees it, and I constantly battle with it.  Battle is definitely the appropriate word.  Being wound so tight about things isn't necessarily the healthiest way to function because perfection is impossible, but at the same time falling back into trying to maintain such high standards is a comfort zone for me.  One might argue that this would fall back into my slightly neurotic need for copious amounts of structure but that's another topic entirely.  The issue I'm talking about today is what happens when I fail at something.  Failing by not meeting my standards, failing by making a mistake.  Not hitting that level or performance that I expect from myself.  It's such a hard thing for me to let go of when it happens and it can actually interfere with Master's responsibility to properly discipline me.  

The other day I had slipped up and agreed to do something without first running it by him.  Granted, he hadn't explicitly made that a rule for me but he's my Master and at this point in our relationship it should be a common sense type of thing.  On the other hand, it was an honest mistake - a case of getting too caught up in the moment.  However, I fell well below the expectations I have for myself and couldn't shake the feeling of being "not good enough."  After all, I had unintentionally taken control away from him, the exact opposite of anything I ever wanted.  And then that's all I can focus on.  I wasn't as good as I know I can be, as I expect myself to be.  

Then Master said something that finally got through to me.  In getting so upset with myself I took away his ability to discipline me as he saw fit.  Discipline is HIS responsibility, not mine.  I shouldn't fear slip-ups, because everyone makes them.  Being imperfect doesn't make him love me any less.  Making a mistake doesn't mean I'll lose my collar.  I trust in Master, and I know he'll handle the situation in a way that's best for both of us.  I'll be expected to learn from the experience, I'll be expected to accept the discipline I'm dealt and I'll be expected to move on and for my full attention to be focused on Master. Trying to meet the expectations he has set for me is where my attention belongs.

We Can Only Achieve If We Dare To Fail.

Life is full of challenges, that test or strength of will.With hopes and dreams and destinies, we struggle to fulfil.And every opportunity is always worth a try, If doubt should make us hestitate, the chance may pass us by.We all have limitations, but with courage on our side, everytime we do our best, We learn through having tried.

Mutual Respect (by Meadow Theas)

In all our marvelous diversity, what we have in common is power exchange relationships.

Power exchange can be expressed by any action.  The action that expresses the exchange of power is like the celery that carries the cream cheese.  It’s a vehicle, neutral in itself, charged only by the fact that one person commands and the other obeys.

And power exchange itself doesn’t get us a pervert label.  It’s part of the mainstream in intimate relationships.  Consider “traditional marriage.”  The difference, and the thing that gets us considered perverted, is the diversity of our expression and the fact that we choose it rather than allowing our culture to dictate it.  Kink is part of that controversial diversity.

Despite all this, we perpetuate our own oppression by carrying social stereotypes into our D/s.  Gender roles are a prime example.  There’s no reason why doing the dishes should be either a female or a submissive task . . . yet I observe a strong trend towards assuming that subs/slaves are female and that their submission is expressed in domestic service.  And I suspect that many of the problems Dommes and male subs face are based in vanilla gender expectations.

And we generate our own stereotypes and labels from within as well, thereby generating both misunderstanding and disrespect.  Examples are myriad, ranging from relationship assumptions to the nature and capabilities of people based on whether they’re Dominant or submissive.  I can’t tell you how discouraging it is to feel myself facing, as a submissive in my theoretically revolutionary community, a similar set of limiting stereotypes to what I face as a woman in the vanilla world.

So here we are, wanting community, sharing a deeply primal human experience, yet united primarily by our diversity.  How can we talk to each other, learn from each other, when each of our relationships has its own vocabulary?  Even the word “submission” is defined differently by different people, and each definition describes a valid experience.

I would argue that “education” is something to be approached with care.  It’s human to want validation and reassurance that we’re succeeding in the dynamic we’re creating.  However, creation is individual.  As Marge Piercy said about writing:

“The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall . . .”

In M/s and D/s, what classes can offer us is techniques and somebody else’s preferences.  

What we each bring to the table is ourselves.  Our own experience, our own priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us.  Not for our neighbors.  And we can bring open ears for the lives of others.  I believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to ourselves and others.

To my mind, what power exchange relationships offer us is a chance to live one of the most demanding spiritual tenets I know of:  the Wiccan Rede.  “And it harm none, do as you will.”

Thanks for reading.

Meadow
Ryn’s kajira

A Silly Thing Called Structure

I've always said I enjoy having a routine. It's extremely difficult for me to willingly break from my morning routine during the week. The same can be said for my routines with Master. I'd feel quite lost without the structure they provide for me. Breaking it down, there are a few reasons I'm hopelessly addicted to routine. To me, structure equals safety. It's reliable. There's comfort in ritual. While other things are out of my control, while things around me change, there's solace in the repetitive motions I do for myself and for Master.

Master and I recently began to really work through some...communication struggles. The reason I bring this up is because it has all seem to come full circle. Master asked me to write this blog as a demi-punishment. We can call it a re-focus exercise. Our recent conversations have all unintentionally come back to structure. I truly didn't realize how much it meant to me until the other day.

Until recently, I didn't see how even how Master speaks gives me the structure I so apparently need. He could tell me when we're doing something, who's making the final decision etc. It's not exactly what he's telling me, it's how. This is a completely different take on structure than I'm used to; I usually equate structure to routines and rituals, habits and schedules. Those are still extremely important, valid and necessary. But the structure that Master's words bring almost feel like a missing piece. I get closure. There's no uncertainty. I know where the control lies. If Master expect me to make the final decision, I'm aware of it and not left trying to figure out why he didn't take the control I was offering.

Master knows I can be dense, stubborn or completely spaced out sometimes, however we hadn't quite tailored our communication to address that nor had we created a structure to work with my endearing shortcomings. No submissive or relationship is the same which is why control and structure will vary greatly between different relationships. There's a power in figuring out what works. It can be quite frustrating getting there and slightly terrifying, but reaching this goal of better communication that you didn't even know you had is absolutely worth every hair-pulling moment.

An essay on safety

Following a Fetlife profile link I found an interesting essay on "Slave Safety" that once was published in the yahoogroup theslaveboynetwork. It was written by a male gay sub from California with the nickname coyote. The text was written for the gay leatherscene, but i think a lot of the advice coyote composed is also useful for hetero male and female submissives. Here is an URL to a website where I found the essay published:
http://boybear.us/safety.htm

A Control Conundrum

There has been a topic floating around my cluttered and fried brain lately. It's really made me think and reflect and, to be honest, doubt myself. I've known Master for a few years - we've always been close and shared pretty much everything which is why wearing his collar feels natural. I'm slowly learning he won't judge me for my needs or desires, that he actually wants to hear them. As we've started this relationship, we've just begun to learn so much more about each other and about ourselves. It's normal for things to change. Then again, "normal" is overrated. So begins my struggle to accept my "abnormal" need for intense exertion of control.

It's called different things. Strict. Structured. Yanking the chain. Being more Dominant than one typically is. It's actually very difficult for me to call it anything. It's more a feeling then something I can put a name to; a feeling that literally makes my knees go weak and my skin tingle. Yes, please! May I have some more? Okay, okay, yes there is too much of a good thing and I can easily say I don't think I'd be able to function well myself with such a high level of control from my Master constantly. But that doesn't mean I don't crave it. It's those times, when I feel like I need more and have to express that to my Master that I seriously question myself. I don't understand the why behind this need. There's a certain level of guilt behind it too. It's not coming from a place of not having my needs met, and I would never want my Master to feel that that is where these feelings are being generated from.

It's frustrating not knowing what drives the occasional longing. It's almost like another part of me, the part of me that contains my brattiness (holds it in really) just gets the urge to let go and let that part of me free. Half of me wants to be snarky and laugh and poke him and the other half wants so badly to kneel before him and give myself over so completely that it hurts; to say do with me what you will, I am yours.

This isn't the first relationship I've experienced this in, so when I do struggle with this feeling I wonder what it is about me that drives this. What am I doing that causes this to happen? I wouldn't call it an unpleasant feeling, but some of the things that come along with it are frustrating. I try to analyze what it is about control that makes me feel this way. I know that I love being controlled, I love it when Master specifically exerts his control over me. There's a glorious tension that results, a feeling of pride, and the warmth of his love. I guess I don't understand why I like it quite so much. Every submissive is different. I've seen some who do quite well with only basic expectations and rituals and a request here or there. I've seen others who have far more going on then I do. My need for control comes, in my opinion, comes from a place of feeling out of control with much of what's going on in my life. Work is stressful and often makes me want to rip my hair out. I've been forced to take care of a joint issue and give up my running until healed which is another layer of stress and completely out of my control. So perhaps this feeling is a want to reaffirm that there is control somewhere in my life and Master has it. Deep down, I always know he has it, but for him to make me feel it to such a degree is another thing.

This is one of those things I have no answer to, and I suspect Master would say it'll become clearer as we continue to grow with our relationship. And I suspect it will. I still feel obligated to tell Master when I'm having these, as one of my favorite books so aptly put it, "conquer me" moments. It's not something to ignore, nor can we (I've tried it and it's not pretty.) I'm beginning to see it as another, very very large, step in my growth and evolution as a submissive. I'm lucky my Master is such a patient man. I'm still waiting for some of that to rub off on me.

The Beauty Is

My Lessons Learned in an Imperfect Life

In a lifestyle where we strive to be the best we can be, the best submissive, slave, Dominant...person, it can be easy to lose sight of realistic expectations. Expectations are set high by ourselves and by our significant other and meeting that expectation, maybe even surpassing it become our focus. Because our Dominant wants it and we want to do it for them. However, as much as we strive to be the best, there is no such thing as perfection. Sometimes it's difficult to accept, and definitely difficult to keep in mind when you're so focused on serving. Especially if you are a perfectionist, or have perfectionist tendencies.

I will be the first person to admit, I am most definitely a perfectionist to the point where I can make myself sick over tasks, especially when it comes to work. It can be extremely difficult to separate that attitude from the “other me”, the me that Master sees more often, the one that isn't at her desk – rather, she's focused on her service and that's it. And part of me doesn't want to separate my perfectionism from Jessa the submissive. Not only is it a part of my personality (the one that Master said he was attracted to), it's a tool, a work ethic that is applicable to both my RL work and my service to Master.

So how does one balance a need for perfection with the reality that it's never going to happen? Personally, remembering that serving well does not mean perfection is a specific goal of mine. I think it's okay to have high expectations. I think that it's a fantastic way to motivate yourself and wave of pride you feel when you've accomplished something that means so much to you is such a reward (as is my Master's pride in me, but that's a whole different topic.) Do I apply these high expectations to everything I do? Unfortunately and fortunately, yes. I do struggle with not putting myself down when I don't do something as good as I had expected myself to do it. Master has told me on more than one occasion that I have done nothing wrong. And that's where the difference needs to be highlighted. Completing a task below our own self-set standards and completing our task for our Dominant to be evaluated at their standards are two very separate things. I may feel that I have failed (it happens more often then I'd like it to, but I've been a perfectionist all my life), but Master may think I've done a superb job on whatever it is I'm completing.

I guess one could argue that this is where trust comes in. This is where the focus should be. I know without a doubt that my Master would tell me if I did something that wasn't up to his standards. I guess that's where trust comes in, and expectations within the relationship. Master has taken me in his hands – I have given myself to him knowing he won't let me fail; he'll make me into the best version of me possible. I'll always fight internally with myself, but knowing Master's judgment is what truly affects me, it makes things a little easier.

The same can be said for my Master. Long before I wore Master's collar, I knew that there was no perfect Dominant. As I stated earlier – there is no perfect person. We are all growing and learning and evolving in our Dominance or our submission. Mistakes are a way of growing. It's not healthy to expect a Dominant or a submissive to be perfect. To anticipate your every mood. To do everything right the first time. I find that to be unhealthy and a set up for disappointment. Besides, if someone were really that perfect, what could we offer them? How could we help them grow or learn?

I will never get angry at my Master for making a mistake. I accepted him as he is. I don't expect perfection, I don't expect him to have all the answers. I know he too holds himself to higher standards, but he's also mindful of the standards I hold him to. In our relationship, that's what we hold ourselves too. It's the standards of the relationship that matter. And if you're aren't currently in one, know that as long as you make yourself happy, as long as you try your best, you are succeeding. Forward, positive motion is is the important part. Your friends aren't perfect. Your teacher and mentor's aren't perfect. Your friends aren't perfect. It's the imperfection that makes us interesting and unique. As long as we focus on the positive and take away something from mistakes made and problems overcome, imperfection shouldn't be viewed as a negative. It's what gives us our diversity, our character, and our strength.