Finding the me in my submission: Learning to Let Go Again

I've found that I'm now much more aware about myself then I have ever really been, I've shifted into a phase of working on my fears. I think that there's definitely a sense of needing to be "strong", needing to prove something, or in my case keeping nice thick walls up, when you're not wearing a collar. As an uncollared submissive we do have to look out for ourselves, but where do we draw the line? At what point do we allow ourselves to open up? What's the best way to teach ourselves to do this?

Talking is an amazing tool - sharing, listening. Have you ever had one of those moments where you're talking with someone and you're saying things you didn't even realize you were thinking. It's not only therapeutic, it's a great to discover deeper parts of yourself. It's an easy way to learn how to open up. That is one area I know I’m weaker in – communication. But in my readiness to share myself, I'm also working on one of my greatest weaknesses. When I first decided I was going to allow others in I was skittish. I would shut down when I felt any sort of negative feeling about almost anything. There were even times when no matter how badly I wanted to share and verbalize what I was feeling, I found the words were stuck and I was incapable of doing so for fear of the repercussions. By no means am I even remotely close to being a strong communicator, but I've made the first (and hopefully subsequent) steps in the right direction when I decided to move forward.

I'm not saying we're obligated to share anything with anyone. I know walls go up for a reason, I have plenty myself. But I know, I know without a doubt I'm so ready to move forward with my life. I'm so ready to let someone in. I'm ready to put myself in a vulnerable position, to slowly expose myself to him. I have my friends and I do open up to them, but now it's time for me to open myself to the possibility of connecting with someone on a deeper level.

I can't give a definite answer as to why I feel like now is the time. It feels right. I trust myself. The raw emotions I was dealing with when I was first uncollared have dissolved. I'm able to look back at my past experience and grow from it without the intense negativity I used to feel. It felt safer for me to start allowing people in a little more. I made the conscious decision to be less hesitant and perhaps a bit more trusting with those I wanted to share with. It's hard work. It's kind of like jumping into the deep end of the pool. I'm the type of person who jumps in because I have to. Toe-by-toe doesn't work for me. If I go that slow, if I'm that cautious, I'll never make it all the way.

I had let go of fears and anxieties when I was previously collared. The end result - a failed relationship. For a while, I felt like that was a lesson, teaching me that letting go was a bad thing. I had done something that terrified me with someone I trusted and at the end of it all I was alone and hurting. I spent a lot of time thinking about that. It's not because I let go and decided to trust him that the relationship failed. I took a chance and it didn't work out. It doesn't mean letting go is a bad thing. It's quite the opposite. It's definitely scary, but it's also exhilarating and freeing and rewarding. It's a chance we're always going to have to take if we want to have the most meaningful relationship that we can. I think about where I am now, where my emotions are invested and while I'm nervous, I'm excited. More excited than I've been in a long time. And I'm so happy. What I'm feeling right now, feelings that I hope will continue to grow and expand, outweighs the fear of getting hurt. I can say that if I didn't feel ready myself, ready to face my fears or strong enough to take a chance, to allow someone to see the deepest parts of me, I wouldn't be saying this. And I wouldn't be actively working on letting go.

The power is completely in our hands. We make the decision to let people in. Who. When. If. What we share. We are the only ones who can determine if we we are ready. Everyone works at a different pace. We all want something different. That's the beauty of this. We're all at different stages with different needs, but with the power residing in ourselves. There's no timeline to follow. It's a matter of doing what feels right when it feels right. And trusting yourself - trusting that you're making the right decision. Don't let past experiences hold you back. You'll absolutely know when you're ready to let go.

Enjoy the journey when you do.