Ever sit on a bus next to a happy couple that are smooching and playing footsie and think "Oh god get a ROOM! I'm gonna lose my lunch!" ? Or what about that girl on the street? You know, the one with the spring in her step. She has her head held up, a smile on her face, and meets your eye with a cheery "Good Morning!" And you want to yell "Its 8 am! Drop dead Lil Miss Sunshine!"...Of course. We all have felt these things at one time or another.
So what is it about these two different circumstances that drive other people nuts? The one thing they both have in common; the people are happy. They are happy in love or just plain happy. And to someone who is NOT happy, this is irritating. Lets face it. Its true. Misery loves company. When our world is miserable we tend to get sudden bursts of jealousy. How many times have you seen someone and wished you were them or wished you had something they did? At the very least we want them to trip on pavement or something so they feel a little pain. After all, it isn't fair that they get to be so happy and we get all the grief! But you should be relieved to know that you are a perfectly normal human being for having these feelings. When times are tough its perfectly natural to feel a twinge when someone else gets to walk on easy street. For a lot of folks, this emotion is short lived however. After a good belt of coffee and a pat on the back from the boss, we regain our own stride too. And Lil Miss Sunshine doesn't seem so bad after all.
What gets to be a problem, however, are the folks who never get that stride back. They live under a dark cloud constantly. These are the folks who will always find something negative to say no matter what. They see the happy couple on the bus and will actually say out loud "its all great till he cheats. Worthless men!" or "Yea she snuggles up so she can get hold of your wallet buddy!" They can find negativity in a picture of a cute puppy. "Cute till it sheds on the sofa and pees on the rug!" So dark is the cloud over these peoples lives that they refuse to see a ray of sunshine in anything and often make it a point to share the rain. They go out of their way to cut down anyone who shows any sign of joy.
On line, these are the people that will show up to a site and complain about anything they see. If there is a discussion going on, they will find something about the topic to complain about. If the conversation is positive they will find something negative to say about the person running the site or discussion. Even this blog is open to the attacks of the terminally miserable.
Nothing i have said to this very point in any way attacks or forces opinion on anyone. But i can almost guarantee there will be someone who will read it and find something to complain about. For that person; i am not saying ever that if you have an opinion you are not entitled to it. I am not ever going to say that if you feel unhappy, you are not entitled to feel that way either. What i am saying is that those who are happy...are entitled to be happy too, even if it makes you jealous.
And please do not confuse negative remarks with "trying to protect some innocent person". If the couple on the bus are strangers, you are not "offering good advice". You are being intrusive and down right nasty judging people you don't even know.
I can hear the howling now. "Arnt YOU being judgemental in writing this??"...Well..no. I have not pointed a finger or said a single name. I have judged no one. I have opened a discussion about negative behavior. And if that sends someone into a tailspin, then perhaps that person needs to take a long look in the mirror. Of course, having said that, i also know these words are not going to mean a thing to that person. Nothing i or anyone else says is ever going to make a difference to the miserable until they want it to.
Here is where the "art" part of this blog comes in. America's great forefathers wrote a document that formed a nation. In that document they wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". You see, life and liberty are already rights we are born with (until someone does something to lose that right of course). But happiness is another animal entirely. Our forefathers already knew THAT animal has to be hunted down and taken on ones own.
Things were different in that time too. There was no such thing as "instant gratification". If you wanted light you spent hours making candles. If you wanted bread and roasted veggies, you baked the bread by hand and grew the damn veggies then cut them THEN roasted them (about four months in the making from start to finish). Now-a-days we flick a switch and there is light. We pop a box in the nuker and have dinner in two minutes. Heck, go online or make a call and have it cooked, wrapped and delivered! Unfortunately we have come to just believe that instant gratification applies to all of life. We expect someone or something else doing the work and handing us what we want.
And that has carried into our emotional behaviors as well. How often have you heard the term "find someone to make me happy"? Really? Is it someone else's responsibility to "make you happy"? Is it even possible for someone else to "make" you feel anything?
The fact is, you could have your dream date walk off the movie screen with a billion dollars in their pocket and whisk you away. But if you are miserable and have not faced WHY you are miserable, well a year later you will STILL be miserable. No one can make an unhappy person happy. Only the person who is unhappy can decide to change that.
Your dream date may bring MORE happiness, but not can not "fix" you emotionally. You still have to figure out what is causing the pain and CHOOSE to deal with it. If a person is lonely and chooses not to take a chance on a date because they were hurt in the past, they will stay lonely. If they are unhappy in a marriage but refuse to get couples counselling or even a divorce...yup..they stay miserable.
It is interesting to note, too, that these are the same people who come up with every excuse imaginable to NOT do something to improve their life. They don't want to do the work. They want someone else to solve their problem for them.
The broke and jobless person who sits at home and plays the "lottery retirement plan" is waiting for money they have not earned to be handed to them rather than get a job. And before someone complains...yes i know there are those who may have physical or mental limitation. This is (i believe obviously) about the people who CAN but choose not to.
So what about the pain and grief we may face and CANT change? Losing a loved one is something we have no power to control. And believe me, i know how dark that hole is. It is deep, vast, and seems endless. But it is actually only as deep and endless as you want it to be. Yes in some cases a person may need professional help to work their way out. But if they choose not to seek that help, then have made the choice to stay in the hole.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it will be easy (which is why some prefer to stay in the hole) or that once you have risen above the problem or pain that it will go away. I still cry sometimes for people i lost years ago. That pain will never just "go away". Ever. But i made the conscious decision that i would not give away my life to it. I would learn to let myself feel joy too. The ones i lost...would be heartbroken if i let their deaths end the joy in my life.
How did i learn to do this? By not being angry at Lil Miss Sunshine. It took a lot of work at first. It felt fake at first too. But i would meet her eye and smile and wish her a good morning too. I would try to find something about her that i liked. Her smile was bright or her hair was pretty...anything to STOP feeling that jealous anger for her being happy. I also had to look at the people i lost and realize..that if ALL i thought about was that i lost them, then their entire lives and all the love they gave me were wasted. I was not giving them any credit or thanks for the happy times. Instead i was wallowing in my self pity because i could not touch them or see them. I learned its OK to miss them and cry from time to time. But not OK to be mad at the world, fate, God, or little green men from mars. That was never going to help me or anyone in my life that still needed me to be me.
And how does this all tie into D/s?? Too often i see the jaded and angry put down people around them for being happy. Too often i hear backhanded comments about Master, sis and myself. Yes W/we really ARE that happy. And yes, W/we all deserve that joy too. Too many people either tell U/us outright they are jealous or spend hours trying to ruin the things W/we work for.
Its not just U/us either. These terminally miserable people will light into anyone who dares to smile or share a happy moment. If they spent even a tenth of the time wasted on their anger, into facing their problems and making the effort to find their own happiness...But of course that would mean actually having to try.
I'm sorry if Suzie the Miserable Subbie or Don the Miserable Dom had a bad relationship, marriage, childhood, job, life etc. I really am. But i cant change that or fix it. Only YOU can make that decision.
A Dominant cant solve your problems. They can offer advice and even give you the direction. YOU still have to do the work. No submissive can "make" a Dominant happy by kneeling. Eventually the things they cant fix are going to rise up again. And no Dom or sub you meet is going to change that either. No relationship will work if you are not willing to do the work, face fears, and LET yourself be happy.
My final Sub-Stance: You are the captain of your own ship. If you want to set sail to that oasis of happiness and joy then you have to hoist the sails and set the course. If the sails need mending then you have to do the work to mend them. Spitting into the wind because you have no sail is only going to get you dirty. Happy Sailing!!
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