Paradigm [Para dime] – a pattern or model for how we see things.

In laymen’s terms that is the best way to explain the meaning of paradigm. There are more intellectual and scientific definitions which include jargon, but the meaning gets lost in translation for the context of this article.

Why am I mentioning paradigms? Because I believe the paradigms we operate with determine the stability and health of relationship and interaction. One of the biggest mistakes in life is treating a child as if they are not good enough, as if there is something lacking or something wrong with them. We send the messages both ‘loud and clear’ and ‘subtly’ even without words. That child very often grows up to have self esteem issues, motivation issues, discipline issues and a multitude of other complexities to untangle.

Unfortunately as adults we often approach other relationships with the same sort of paradigm – as if there is something that needs to be fixed or saved in the other person. Lots of women like the ‘bad boy’ type, and lots of men like the ‘lost girl’ type. It is because those situations validate our self worth; if we can be a positive influence and bring out their best and redeem what is wrong with our partner, it’s nearly the nirvana of being the ultimate in serving as a submissive or guiding as a dominant.

The problem with this is that we view our partner as fundamentally flawed, or like a ‘project’. Most likely, being humans, even when the things we perceive as ‘needing to be fixed’ are successfully improved, there will always be other flaws. It leads to a sense of never being satisfied and never being good enough. Additionally we are sending the message “You are lacking, broken, unacceptable”. This creates so many subconscious conflicts that it can actually impede intimacy, trust, and growth. Approaching relationships this way undermines our own value, if we measure our worth with the successful ‘handling’ of another. This paradigm destroys the fabric of the Power Exchange, in my opinion. It damages relationship of any kind.

I am very happy to be part of a smaller community in which the core members strive to interact with open minds, lovingness, and tolerance. Even better, I have recently become part of a House in which we see each other perfect just as we are, we love and accept each other unconditionally. Yes, we do freely admit we are human with all our foibles and follies. That is what makes my community and my family so very special. This is what gives me true freedom, the freedom to be me, to be proud, to love proudly, to grow and serve with pride. We live fully and are able to be our true selves with love, fun, and awareness.

I’m not talking about burying our head in the sand of denial, or enabling the shortcomings that come with every single human being. I am certainly not saying to ignore what we call red flags. What I mean is looking at life and people with the emphasis on what is right, what is positive, what is good and strong in our friends and family. Interacting from this approach always builds up and never tears down. I do have to say: even when my family and friends have one of ‘those’ talks where we shine the light on an apparent weakness, it is always done from a positive and supportive loving stance.

So, having said all this, let’s talk about seeing things clearly. I tend to always overlook shortcomings and give people the benefit of the doubt. I love forgiveness and grace; they are two of my most cherished values. This has led to difficult times along my journey, with lessons learned. It is very hard (for me) to balance out being gracious and tolerant with having good boundaries. It simply mystifies me. Sometimes I think I have it down, that I have wisdom and experience to recognize red flags and where I need to set boundaries with different people. Then the person comes along who, when I give grace and tolerance, wreaks chaos and conflict. Part of the confusion for me is as simple as watching what they do and not what they say.

It is so easy to listen and get caught up in ideals and intentions, and not look at what is happening right here and right now. I tend to over analyze in an effort to understand and soon I am the proverbial ping pong ball bouncing between head, heart, and gut, and feeling such a lack of clarity that I can’t even assess safety realistically, and I end up compromising what I value. I firmly believe that I have to take responsibility for my part, always. I own my part, acknowledge where I have gone wrong, and my act of amends is that my shortcomings are corrected, I hold onto what is true and real and WALK MY TALK. See what I did there? I grew. I didn’t need to be fixed or told how wrong I was. I knew it, from the ping pong pouncing through my existential internal landscape. An important element here, in keeping with the theme of this article, is how I perceive the roles and actions and interaction between myself and others.

While it is essential to emphasize strength, value, and goodness in one another, it is imperative that we can look objectively and lovingly at those things which do not build us up individually or together. We must look at the things which tear us down and break our heart, mind, and spirit. We have to be able to accept each other in all our glory, flaws and all, at the same time while saying, “This is a situation in which I will not participate.” One of my closest friends has always quipped something that I believe fundamental to having healthy relationship “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” This allows me to accept a person as they are and at the same time have a boundary where I am safe, where I will not compromise what I value, namely me.

I have been doing a lot of sorting out lately, growing through life experiences, and recently came across a golden nugget of wisdom which I will add to my repertoire of principles: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" ~Maya Angelou

My final sub stance: How we shift our paradigms will determine our happiness and health in relation to ourselves and other people. Ask: “What message am I sending?”; “Is this what I really want to say?”; “Does this build up or tear down?”; “Is the result happiness?”; ”Is this aligned with my role as a Dominant/submissive?”