Finding the me in my submission: Self-Exploration as a newly uncollared submissive

Recently uncollared, I realized the only thing I was sure of was my name. Actually, even hearing that was hard as my previous Master had a pet name for me that I had grown so accustomed to hearing, [consider removing comma as this is one thought] my own name sounded strange. My own identity was no longer familiar. I was “jessa, slave, owned” because my Master had said it was so.

No longer having that collar or that person telling me who I was, became was a harsh reality. The first few days alone were spent in a retrograde reflection; I just willingly left a long-term relationship – did I do the right thing? According to some I was a lucky girl. That was lesson number one. The first thing I had to understand was the only opinion that mattered at that point was my own. Now was the time to focus on my own thoughts and opinions because that was what I had unknowingly lost in the past year. Because I was the only person who mattered when it came to my submission at this point, what other people thought was no longer of concern.

Upon leaving the relationship, my constant question was “was this my fault?” I simultaneously felt heartbroken and guilty. I was angry and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I certainly didn’t trust anyone and found that keeping to myself was my safest option. It was hard to join new social groups. Speaking up took a lot of courage that I was lacking at that moment and I was so lonely and out of my comfort zone. But a few very wise people got in my head and with the right words and reminders got me settled on the right track. That was my second lesson. Don’t keep out the people who are trying to help you. Fear is natural, sadness is expected, as is the urge to protect yourself. Find the little bit of rational thought that you can muster from within and see those friends as people you should keep close. It’s okay to need help.

I also believe all that negativity is part of the process, but I hit a point where I realized that I wasn’t being fair to myself as a submissive. Alas, I had discovered my third lesson. It’s my job, especially no longer wearing a collar, to nurture, explore and rediscover who I am as a submissive woman. My submission is my anchor. It stems from the deepest part of my soul; it’s what gives me strength. Now was the perfect time to reconnect with what drives that feeling. After being in a relationship for so long, a relationship that ultimately didn’t work, I was unfamiliar with who I was. I wasn’t sure of my own likes or dislikes. I wasn’t sure of my own desires. Eventually I found out I wasn’t sure of what I even expected from a Dominant or a relationship, or if I was even allowed to have expectations. I could write and rewrite the affirmation I had been reciting for the past year plus, but that was no longer me. I had to start from the bottom and build myself up, the foundation of me being my submission, and slowly layering on top of that as I learned more.

Besides being around really positive, supportive people, the most important and helpful thing I’ve done is jump into educational opportunities. Classes, discussions, anything that even mildly interested me I attended. I cannot express how valuable I have found educational outlets to be. Not only do I get a chance to hear other’s opinions, I also see this as a chance to come to terms with what wasn’t working in my previous relationship. Honestly, it was somewhat painful in the beginning. I spent many discussions thinking, “You did this, this and this wrong,” or, “you shouldn’t have done that.” My fourth lesson – Everything I attended was with the intention to help me rebuild. No one can make me feel bad about myself right now, except myself. This is my opportunity to gather the tools and information I need to make healthy, positive decisions for whatever may come my way in the future.

My first self-discovery was exciting and a source of motivation - it felt good to know I was actually making progress. For as long as I can remember, I have identified myself with the label of “slave.” Looking back I now realized I only called myself a slave because that is what my Master called me, literally from day one of my exploration of this lifestyle. I didn’t put enough faith in myself to question that, to figure it out for myself before I let him make that decision for me. It was liberating to come to that decision on my own, under my own power, working on myself as I have been – there’s a certain freedom that goes along with that, with this journey. Perhaps it’s a sense of euphoric pride that comes with my developing self-confidence. Yes, there have been days where I’ve had to push myself to get to a class or a discussion but every one has been worth it. I’m learning to form my own opinions about my submission in a way that I never gave myself the chance to previously. And in doing that I’m slowly gaining a confidence in myself that I never had without a Master by my side. In retrospect, those are two different types of confidence and that which I’m working on now will enable me to serve from a much healthier place.

It’s somewhat exciting to be in the position I’m in. I don’t answer to anyone, I make my own decisions, and I put myself first. I’m indulging in being rather selfish (nicely, of course!) because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to discover a new part of me. There’s no need to rush, but I see this as the chance I need to focus on me. Should I ever have the opportunity to wear a collar again, I want to be in the best shape I can possibly be. I want to take the responsibility now to work on my issues as best I can myself because ultimately, my submission comes down to me.

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This is the first of a series I have been inspired to write by a few very special. I hope to document as honestly as possible my experience as a newly uncollared submissive through this tumultuous, exciting, scary process. I'll update as things progress!