Finding the me in my submission: worries, needs and fulfillment

The Second Installment:

I’ve always been a bit of a forward thinker. Always. My future has been a cause of anxiety for me since high school. So over time, I’ve become really good at ignoring that which maybe I shouldn’t. Every logical bone in my body knows that a collar doesn’t make the submissive. But that reasoning does nothing to quell the loneliness. That’s one thing I wonder. Yes, this is the time to be focusing on myself, but how do I combat the natural human emotion of loneliness? I do think that is one of the harder parts about being unowned. We are typically around a lot of collared submissives – joyful couples and cheery people and at low moments it can be kind of sucky.

I wish I had amazing advice for this situation. I only know that for me personally, keeping busy helps. Work on something you’re good at. It’s times like that when I just say – take one day at a time. There is no rush. And in the grand scheme of things, there is absolutely no reason to want anything to happen before it should. Take comfort in your friends. I’m learning to step back and find the peace within myself. I’ve always known that the collar doesn’t make the submissive, but I’m beginning to feel it. And why rush something that is so important. A collar isn’t something to take lightly and at this point, I’m more likely to be overcautious then to let the next “Dominant” throw a collar around my neck. We work so hard to understand ourselves, our submission, to be the best version of who we. Why would you want to risk all the hard work for the sake of calling someone Master?

Be careful with your heart. Personally, I struggle between protecting my heart and not shutting everyone out. It’s very easy to get carried away and want so badly to protect yourself from any further hurt that you stick up nice big walls. The mentality “I’m just going to look out for myself and only myself” is a dangerous one. It’s very negative and very emotionally draining. It kind of feels like the last fight, in a way. At least for me it did, almost like I was giving up. I’m still cautious, but when I finally stopped trying to keep everyone away I was so much happier. And when we’re happy and have a little less to worry about, we’re more able to focus on what’s really important. Our growth. Our own goals. Exploring our submission.

I’ve finally put into words what’s been causing me so much turmoil lately. Not only as a submissive, but as a person in general, I am so much more comfortable with structure and direction in my life. Being uncollared, the only structure I have is whatever I create for myself. I’m at work Monday through Friday by 8:30. I put my things down at my desk, change my shoes and make a cup of coffee in the kitchen. With coffee in hand, I scan the news before slowly easing into my emails and tasks for the day. That is my daily routine. Having that small bit of structure helps me “battle” that ever present need. Collared, I had tasks to provide stability and goals to provide direction. Lately, my only goal is to make it to the gym after work. Well, not entirely true – my other goal includes learning as much as I can right now and understanding myself. I guess figuring out how to semi-satiate this nagging need for stability and direction is just a more difficult part of delving into who I really am. In a way I'm forcing myself to learn to be confident without the Dominant provided direction that I crave.

So how do we as uncollared submissives help ourselves in this situation? Yes, it’s our own responsibility to satisfy a need we may have. I see such strength and power in that. I’m really proud of myself when I am able to understand myself enough to know what it is that I need at a particular moment. For example, I’m going to stop yelling at myself to sleep in every time my boss is out of the office. I’ll take comfort in my morning routine because it’s helping to fill a need in me and has probably started as an unconscious way to help myself when I felt unstable and insecure. I’m also going to set more goals for myself. I’m a runner so my goal of getting to the gym a couple of times a week is feasible. When I start reaching that goal on a regular basis, I’ll set another one for myself.

Just because there isn’t a collar around my neck doesn’t mean I have to become complacent. There’s no one saying I can’t at least fill a small part of that desire. Learning to depend on yourself can be extremely gratifying. I think as we find more fulfillment in that, we’ll find satisfaction – completeness in ourselves that a Dominant can’t provide.