All of us here are in this lifestyle for many reasons. The common denominator for most of us is that we want something "real and successful" based on the fact that in this lifestyle we focus on our true strengths and core values. That is followed with "alignment and compatibility". These things in and of themselves separate us from the vanilla world. Why? Because we are willing to do the things with regard to building a relationship that most in the vanilla world take for granted.
What are some of these things? Lets start with the onset of the relationship. What are the things we look for?
1. Matching core values
2. Matching hard and soft limits
3. Intellectual compatibility
4. Proper alignment
5. Physical attraction
6. Sexual Compatibility
We then embark on the courtship process. We take our submissives under our wings. We address issues with them and do everything we can to earn trust, honor and respect. We gradually take healthy control of our submissive under consideration and teach them to give all of their control over to us as that is what empowers us as Dominants. As time goes by we offer them a collar which signifies an open commitment to our household, and we feel proud and fulfilled with a wonderful sense of accomplishment. We enter into a clear and precise exchange of power.
Is our work now finished? Or has it just begun? What are our responsibilities to our households now that the collar is worn?
There is a vanilla saying that always makes me chuckle. When the question is asked, " Do you still love me" the answer is " I married you didn't I ?" When our subs ask us if they are still pleasing to us, Do we respond " I collared you didn't I?" The truth is that if we are asked that question, it sends us a clear message. What is that message?
Our submissives lean on us. They depend on us for guidance, direction and improvement. While it is true that we must keep these lines of communication open as it is imperative to a healthy household, we must also guard against allowing ourselves to be critiqued. We must guard against the " what have you done for me lately?" attitude, and reiterate that we expect our happiness to be their primary goal and priority. However, let's try to understand why this mindset takes place.
Through our efforts and hard work our submissives become stronger, more confidant and more secure. Deeper questions are going to be asked, soul searching takes place and that results in the relationship moving to deeper levels. A submissive that reaches a level of education and improvement that the Dominant has helped her achieve may feel insecure in the idea that she does not need goals and has only to maintain that level. This is what separates true Dominance from the pack. A true Dominant never stops re-evaluating His household and continues to search for improvement and find new ways to set growth goals. Why is this important to a submissive?
Because a submissive has a natural instinct to please.
A huge fear for submissives is running out of ways to please their Master. A natural emotional response from this is insecurity. The submissive feels that they are no longer needed and the Dominant will tire of them. What can we as Dominants do to make our submissives feel secure as the relationship continues to evolve?
Find ways to put newly developed skills to work
Assign tasks that will help improve the household thus enabling these new skills to flourish.
Assign educational tasks to encourage those in need outside of our households
We as Dominants must guard against the mindset of "riding upon our laurels". If we send a message to our household that improvement is no longer needed that is the day that we will start to fail.
I have had many Dominants come to me very perplexed because they no longer feel they have control over their households. After weeks or months of hard work, the dynamics have changed and their submissives feel that they need to be pushed a bit more. The message being sent by the submissive is NOT necessarily the message being received by the Dominant. The message being sent is " Please Master help me continue to grow" The message being received is " I am being critiqued and I am losing respect within my household". We as Dominants must guard against feeling the need to push our submissives back into their "place" ( sort of speak) It is very easy to have a knee jerk reaction and feel we are being topped from the bottom. The truth is that it was through our hard work that our households have become healthy and confident. Do we want to send a message that the result of improvement is going to be perceived as disrespect? That is why we as Dominants have to continue to improve "ourselves" as Masters of the house. I have seen Dominants who reached a pinnacle and brought their households to a healthy level, and now do not know how improve on that. As a result, they decided to release their submissives and search for new submissives that they can mentor from scratch again.
Is this the answer?
Or is it our responsibility to create new ways to challenge our households?
If we decide to release a submissive because we have trained them to the limits of our knowledge, how can we expect them to ever feel secure in improvement again?
I am not saying there will not be times when a submissive has been taught to be confident and secure again, then suddenly feels as if they no longer need the Dominance the way they needed it before. I have seen it happen where the newly found emotional health resulted in a submissive losing focus of her/his first priority of respecting and pleasing their Dominant. It can be a challenge for the Dominant to make sure that this training you have provided for your submissives does not send a message that now they will be allowed to undermine your decisions. There is a difference between simply questioning a decision, and "challenging a decision. Challenging a decision is nothing more then topping from the bottom and can result in a household coming apart at the seams.
In closing:
I do want to remind all of you here that we as Dominants make our decisions within the households with your best interests at heart as it is instinctive for us to do so. The moment you adopt a "what about me" attitude you lose your submission and remove the power from your Dominant. You have turn the control of your lives over to your Dominant for a reason. We have accepted that responsibility with honor. Trust in your Dominant knowing that we are not perfect, but we will always strive to create new ways to improve the quality of your lives in every way.
Mikhail Borgin
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