Thursday, December 27, 2012
If O/one asked the members of society that made New Year's resolutions if they followed through on them, i believe the majority would answer no. Why do so many not stick to the outline they created to procure victory? I believe people have good intentions, but regardless of someone's aims, passion is the key ingredient to all successful sketches.
If O/one has the drive to acquire something, why can't a diagram on how to get it be constructed at any point of time?
Friday, December 21, 2012
But what about those that constantly emotionally wound you accidentally; is it safe to keep in contact with individuals like that? My answer to the question that i posed to you A/all, is that i feel that it depends on a person's mental fitness and how strong of a desire Y/you have to maintain the partnership between Y/you and the human beings that evokes emotional affliction.
If Y/you choose or are unable to keep the friendship of Y/you and the person who mentally injured Y/you, it's okay to let it go. Nothing in Y/your life is more precious than Y/your health. Being in good health will enable Y/you to focus on the comradeships that impact your life in a positive way.
Friday, December 14, 2012
So, it's been a few weeks since the dissolvement of the amicability between you and the contray mortal. Out of the blue, the antagonistic person contacts you and one of their new goals is to make your life miserable. If you can't think of a reason on why he or she is causing issues for you, the feelings of confusion, anger and worry may consume your mind.
I am going through the above situation and have all of the emotions that one could experience when going through a circumstance of a similar nature. I am trying to lean onto friends for support and keep the predicament in check, like all one should do if they find themselves in a crisis. We might not know what the outcomes will be in situations. But one thing is for certain: Everything always works out in the end.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
What can we as singles do to survive and perhaps even enjoy this supposedly joyful period? If we want to receive love, we must give it. Many communities are struggling financially. You can help those in need by donating your time, money or item's that would benefit from your contribution's. Want to assist others, but not sure who? Lots of newspapers and town websites post bulletins of charities that are looking for personnel and monetary and material alms. I would like to note that there is never a bad time to get involved in a worthy cause, as they need support all throughout the year.
When some isolated human beings are invited to holiday parties, it makes them want to hibernate until the Spring. Festive get-togethers should not be avoided as they are wonderful opportunities to hang out with those you care about and expand your social circle. When you receive your next invitation to a wintertide occasion, ask the host or hostess on how you can aid him or her with the affair. By offering to abet in the shindig, you have some control over it, which in turn, makes it more fun for you.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Yes, i'm still here. What have i been doing? Well, do Y/you all remember in my first post that i said that i was no longer a Gorean? I was always sceptical that people can change and grow. I am no longer a sceptic. I went back to the Gorean lifestyle and felt that i could not entertain any other way of life besides that one. After some soul searching, i made the final decision to stop practicing Gor for the rest of my days. I know have said this before, but in my heart, i feel that this choice is set in stone. The biggest thing that i have learned is it is not just that people constantly grow and that growth leads to a more fulfilled life, but keeping yourself closed off to other ideas, paves the way to stagnation and the possibility in stunting one's emotional development. I now believe that items from other lifestyles can be used to add to the one they have chosen to follow.
So, i will be writing at regular intervals on a permanent basis. I wish to help others on their journeys and to bring Y/ou all again on my own. What is the point of going on a adventure and you have nobody to share your experiences and revelations with?
Monday, October 15, 2012
A benchmark of growth and maturity is the development of Communication, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Transparency. How we, as individuals, deal with conflict is an indicator of the measure of our growth and development. It is also a very revealing gauge of our character, keeping in mind that there are many layers in the human psyche and we all bear our own ‘issues’ and are all somewhere along the learning curve. We are all evolving even if it sometimes seems we are devolving. Heh.
We are human beings made up of a ball of instincts, intellect, emotions, senses, and perceptions. Let’s face it: resentment is a reality and quite normal. Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion felt as the result of a real or imagined wrong doing. Resentment can include fear, anger, hatred, and numerous other negative emotions. However, resentment has no clear sign as do the other emotions. Resentment can be subtle or seething. How we experience it and cope with it determines our emotional health and maturity.
So what is all this about resentment? How does it relate to the principles of Communication, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Transparency?
It’s quite simple in my mind. It is critical as individuals and as a Community that we tie it all together so we can be our best and thrive together, remembering the paramount importance to us, individually and corporately, because of the nature of power exchange and because risk awareness cannot succeed without these values.
Lately I have been paying particular attention to how we interact. Often times we are in a discussion, speaking about some relevant topic and seemingly unintentional (remember how subtle resentment can be) one person’s discussion turns into a sort of bashing against an individual or group or even just against a lifestyle choice or how someone defines something (typically semantics). Sometimes we might couch our statements under the guise of ‘concern’, and I admit I am guilty of this. Our commentary while in discussions or just sitting around casually in conversation is usually greatly influenced by unresolved resentment.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to talk. I am pretty good at the whole Communication, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Transparency thing. Most who know me, know where I stand. But sometimes in the process, during conversations I do acquire resentments, hurts real or imagined, resulting from my hearing information that might stem from another person’s resentment. I feel fortunate that I learned long ago, how to cope with resentment, how to be thoughtful and process it through. How to be patient, tolerant, compassionate, and to be open minded. And when I do those things along with Communication, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Transparency the resentments disappear like vapor and I am truly free. It strengthens my sense of community.
I am thinking of all this lately because of some recent disappointments. I engaged in conversations which indulged in ‘concerns’ similar in nature to gossip, some of the information was blatantly untrue and it affected me a lot. Instead of careening off onto the resentment roller coaster and undermining my own sense of principles, my connectedness, and my trust, I worked through it and resolved any resentment that might have bloomed, and I made amends for my part and corrected the situations where this occurred.
One great rule I made for myself which helps prevent me from betraying my own values is that when participating in those discussions, whether in a group or casual conversation, I generally won’t say anything that I wouldn't say freely in front of any involved. It’s one thing to disclose my own personal difficulties from my part of it, quite another thing to disclose someone else’s part in a situation. My rule is that if I am going to talk about something, say for instance, “My Dom isn't taking control the way I need”…you better believe it will be a conversation that I have already had with said Dominant and it will be understood that it could become a topic of conversation if it is productive in bringing resolution and in building upon those principles we live by.
I am recovering from the sting of “concerns” which were in truth hurtful gossip from others, and from the embarrassment that I slipped up by allowing it to happen at all. Part of my amends was actually employing the principles which I believe: I communicated, honorably, with respect and transparency, maintaining my integrity and the integrity of the sense of community I share with those involved. Part of my amends includes addressing it here in this blog. Hope that I’m not too over-the-top and that my dialogue will be enlightening and fruitful for the readers.
With Love and Respect, Azuri
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
First, apparently there were a lot of words tossed around when folks found out i had spent the first night at a hotel in town so Master and sis could have some time together. People were telling Master and sis (and leaving me IMs too) words like "amazing" and "inspiration". I have to admit...i don't feel that way. I don't feel heroic or special. All i did is what i felt was right. Master and i have lived together for nearly three years now. And when i arrived it was just U/us. W/we have had a very long time to form that special bond. i fully believed that sis and Master deserved at least one night! One night where there was no weirdness, no awkwardness. Sis could settle into her home, Master could cuddle His long lost girl, and when i got home it would fresh and rested. Not out of the sweat shop. Sis would have had a chance to get over the flight and good nights sleep. Time for the serious one on one face to face with Master you really only CAN do when you are face to face.
And so Master picked me up the next day at the hotel and brought me home to my sis. It was the most wonderful moment. I saw her come out of the hall and that brief look of uncertainty. Her wide, dark eyes held that first breath of fear. And that is all i really remember for a moment because just that look alone and i burst into tears. She is beyond beautiful and the inner light you feel when you talk to her online...its all around her. i cried and gave my sis the hug i had been saving for so long. i told her "welcome home sissy! i missed you!". And she answered "I really am home". That is how it feels too. Like W/we have all lived here all along, just separate for a while.
In class i tell people the poly dynamic does not just fall out of the box perfect. it takes years of communication and time to build that bond of trust. You have to go through the hoops, the balls of fire, miscommunication, insecurity, self doubt, personal clashes, all with your heart on your sleeve and the HONEST desire to make it work. Not just one in the dynamic, but ALL in the dynamic. It is hard work. But there is a huge bonus if you plan on eventually becoming an RL poly. The work is all done. Once the physical part of the move was done, W/we all realized W/we have been together all along. Sissy fell out of her moving box and the whole puzzle was completed.
Master, sis and i have spent the last couple of days gabbing, shopping, gabbing, cooking, gabbing, spending time with the kids, shopping again, gabbing....you get the idea. It really does feel exactly the same as when W/we are sitting in SL in family time. Only now, family time is any time W/we are under the same roof. Not just when W/we all have time to log in. The house feels full now. Light, happy, alive and full. It is not a house in waiting. It truly is a home.
Well, i just wanted to send out this little blurb and let E/everyone know all is going so amazing. And now i am going to post this so i can get back to my family!!
Friday, September 14, 2012
When I collared Alisha 2.5 years ago, the idea of becoming a poly family BEYOND second life was not part of my plan. However, as our relationship grew stronger is became apparent that this dynamic was taking a path of its own. Ironically it was Sarrah that approached me and said
" Master, Alisha is going to be a permanent part of our family! I can feel it!"
It never ceases to amaze me how the girls see things well before I do in certain areas. Sarrah was indeed correct in her feelings as Alisha is finally with me in real life as well.
You would think that after years of building a relationship as deep and complex as D/s it would take away the anxieties of change. I am here to tell you that regardless of how much you think you are ready, the nerves still tend to prevail....smiles
So......yesterday her plane was due to arrive at 10:08 am. I cannot tell you what an amazing feeling it was to know that I was just hours away from wrapping my arms around my sweet girl. Just prior to leaving my house for the airport, I went online to check her flight status. Low and behold, the pilot must have caught a nice tail wind as the arrival time was 40 minutes AHEAD of schedule. Fortunately the airport is a mere 15 minute drive so I arrived just as Alisha's plane arrived at the gate. She called me to let me know she landed early and was surprised to find out that I was waiting eagerly in baggage claim. In fact I was watching her come down the escalator. This surprised Alisha as she was planning on taking advantage of early arrival to use the rest room for some last minute primping. ( Apparently this is important to a submissive meeting her Master for the first time....shrugs)
I walked up to her and gave her the biggest hug you can imagine. I whispered in her ear " You're home now sweetie" The initial awkwardness faded quickly as it felt as if she had been with me her entire life. Even when we went to baggage claim to retrieve her suitcase...I stood there patiently as Alisha said:
" There's my bag....no, that's not it....Oh there it is!.....errrr nope not that one....Oh I see it now!....oops....mine has a green ribbon on it"
Now even though the extra stretching to grab a bag that was not hers was probably good for me, the owners of the bags did not seem to care as they grumbled " That's MY bag!"...This of course eventually resulted in me glaring evilly at Alisha...See? We never missed a beat!
We finally arrived home and I gave her the dime tour. She seemed very pleased with the house and felt comfortable right away. As she settled in and unpacked the anxiety slipped away and the emotions of the wonderful reality of it all finally took over. We sat and talked for awhile, then we decided to use our excitement to log on to SL and visit with some friends to let them know she arrived safely. I then had to leave and pick up Sarrah at work and bring her to her hotel as she graciously offered to stay in town so Alisha and I could have our time alone. This act of compersion and love from Sarrah reaffirms what an amazing woman she is, and reminds me once again how lucky I am to have her.
Alisha and I spent the entire evening enjoying each other's company. We talked, and talked....We cuddled and watched a movie and even took a cat nap since we were exhausted. We enjoyed our first meal together. I cannot tell you how incredible it is to finally make a reality of the powerful dynamic we have built as a family. I even decided that it was important for us to log in to SL once again and attend Miss Kaddan and Tahlia's discussion. Why? Because I feel that the best way to transition is to use the tools that got us there in the first place. This helped the flow continue and provided a sense of security.
Well here it is...The morning after and I am on my way into town to pick Sarrah up from the hotel. Today is an important day as the girls will meet for the first time in RL. We plan on using this day to talk as a family and clearly spell out our goals and plans for the next few weeks and months. I also plan on giving the girls the space they need to get to know each other on this new level. There will be more to come so stay tuned!
Once again...To all of our dear friends....Thank you all for your support and for being there when we needed you. Our hopes are that we can use this experience to assist others if they decide to make this transition as we did.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
What we must remember is that we are going to be turned down by some people in every aspect of our lives. But we can't let renunciation or the fear of it, stop us from pursing our dreams. While some aspirations are easier to achieve than others, there are still things that we can do, to improve our chances of completing our goals. If your dream is to find a submissive or slave or Dominant, one idea is to recall as many as possible the negative comments that you have received and examine them to see if there is/are area's in your life that needs betterment.
Regardless of outcomes, be grateful for the things that you do have and keep an open heart and mind for the positive items that may come your way.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Taking the steps to help yourself right after a relationship ends, is not a good idea. People must go through the grieving process in order to be ready to transform themselves for the better and for their next partnership. What is the grieving process? The grieving process is a plan to accept that a traumatic event has taken place. What are the phases that one waxes through during the grieving process? The emotions that one will experience when proceeding through the grieving process are: Denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance.
After completing the grieving process, what areas in your life do you feel need improving? Dom/mes, what sections in a submissive's journey do you feel requires healthy development in? Besides getting through the grieving process and making our lives finer from a psychological anschauung, what other things can we do during singlehood, so that we can continue to stay busy and not make poor choices due to boredom?
Friday, August 3, 2012
It's currently the twenty-first century and we have the ability to choose our path, without worrying that our gender, orientation, creed and/or ethnicity will block it. How does one enter a D/s relationship in a age where equality is the trend? First, you should research ANY lifestyle at length before jumping in. Read as many documents, talk with as large of a population and attend all the classes, if any are available, that you can about your desired avenue, so you know exactly what you're getting into. Second, once you have a chosen road, build a support system of knowledgeable, trustworthy people that are in the lifestyle that you have selected. On the same token, don't ignore the folks that have been in your life for awhile, especially family. For those that don't agree with your passage, if they truly care for you, they will accept it in time. Persons who have friends that are youthful and/or have lots of younger members in their kin, they may have a particularly tough time in accepting your route, as society now dictates that we are all equal. Good communication and patience are often the keys in overcoming obstacles and fostering tolerance. Third, with the advancement of technology, workloads in jobs are increasing at a rapid rate. Stress from your occupation, plus all of the commitments in your journey, may have you wondering, how does one have the opportunity to explore a ethnology properly, when one has so many things on their plate? One word: Prioritize! If you you really want something, you'll do whatever is necessary to make it happen. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. I am working on getting another college degree and i volunteer and work in Second Life, all while actively learning about D/s. If i can do it, so can you. Lastly, as with many things in life, maintenance is critical in keeping yourself and relationships healthy. Taking proper care of yourself and your relations with others is the secret ingredient in keeping everything vital.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
I have decided to share some of my own thoughts with you, and show you a little bit of myself.
I use to a lot stand somewhere and say.. "What am i doing here?" I would ask myself why I am there, but it's not till a later time i realize exactly why I was there. It is amazing how life can offer us so much and mother nature is beautiful and then you realize, YOU have so much to offer yourself.
It was a weir time for me to figure this out. I was under a lot of stress, emotionally and physically, mentally even. When I am under stress I tend to think more deeply about things - which could be the way we all think. I tend to dissect things naturally, but slower.
We all talk about the cookie cutter Sub, we all talk about the subs, submitting only on command, we talk about the subs who say.."Me me me". I was her at one time.
I remember Imíng someone in Secondlife, I didn't know why I was in this persons IM.. But now I see exactly why.
I used to submit on command. I was the one with the thoughts of... "Mr Dommy Dom, I will submit when I want to. I would get cold negative reactions, and then I would start thinking that I was not good enough. I didn't see the behavior, I didn't see the way I was acting. I would act out to get attention, all because I did not feel worthy enough.
Growing up I had a tough situation, it forced me to grow up, but it also forced me to be quiet. Don't show your emotions, because you would only be punished for it, and really.. Who wants to hear some silly little girl's opinion. That's the way my mind worked.
When i found my submission, or just felt it a little I was so excited of the fact that someone was going to take care of me for once. That there helped me down the track of the cookie cutter attitude. The fingers started pointing...."Well hey.. I have submitted to you, now you owe me everything in return. Everything being.. My expectations. It through me in very scary situations.
I have a few good friends who now will tell me straight. They help me see so many different angles and it really helps.
I use to feel empty while in a relationship. I was always searching for that validation to make me feel better. But I wanted them to be proud of me, but no matter what they gave, it was not reaching my expectation. I was very much a "fix me fix me"girl.
About a year ago, I remember standing out the front of Sos doors and feeling this warmth, feeling this pleasure, this switch just turning on. At first I thought i was going to be ill, because that hot rush only came if i was ill. Then I realized exactly what it was.. My very own submission.
That moment on i had so many positive people in my life that I was learning off. I was in that exciting time......"I feel it, I can feel my submission!!!!!!!" Then the race for the peak of the mountain started.
I was learning so much about myself that I didn't want it to stop, so I was like racing to the top of every peak.
Well did I learn a great lesson there. I was missing out on all the little things. I wasn't stopping to smell the roses, I just wanted the car to keep going with no gas..."Get me there, get me there". I started to see that the little thing I was learning and growing from were the most beautiful, spiritual things about myself. I started to ask if we can pull over for a break. I wanted to smell the roses and when I realized how beneficial that was for me.... Now it's like a motivator to slow down.
The meaning of this blog is.... "We may not thing we are exactly where we need to be at times, but I could nearly say... You are exactly where you are meant to be".
We do like to rush, but take that time, relax. There are people who come in to our lives, and at the time it may be a negative feeling, but then, after a few months, there is always... yes always something they have given us, even if they do not know... So why are we here??... Because I am on a life journey with myself, so just breathe it in.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
My name is Sarah and i am the newest member of the Solace of Submission blog team. I have been in the BDSM lifestyle on and off for about nine years. I began studying the different vines of BDSM at the age of eighteen, after hearing about them in a virtual environment. Upon first learning of the Gorean philosophies and different branches of BDSM, i was sixteen and i decided to wait until i was older to educate myself further about those paths, as i didn't want orange to become the only color that i could wear for the next few years.
When i was around nineteen, i met a person who was a kajira(a Gorean female slave) and she changed my life forever. She was a loving, intelligent and devoted woman and slave. Unfortunately the Master she loved treated her badly. After her death in 2008, i said i would never become a kajira; although that decision wasn't based solely on my friend's negative experiences, but also taking into consideration the brief ones that i had too.
In January 2011, i met a man that i fell in love with and i set aside my differences with Gor to become one of His girls. Throughout our relationship, i let His constant lying and disrespect slide as i was so enthralled with Him. The breaking point came when He collared a girl without talking to the family first as promised.
After leaving Him, i did slip back into the vanilla world for a few days, as i was shattered. During my time in the land of where there are no submissives or Dominants, i realized that my desire to serve was growing stronger with each passing day, so i gave the Gorean lifestyle one last try.
Even-though Gor is not right for me, it did lead me back on the road which is correct for me: D/s. I intend to find a Master that is right for my Second Life and Real Life. Finding a Dominant that will accept my RL situation may prove to be more difficult, as i am extremely physically challenged.
They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and i certainly believe that. The trials during my journey has lead me to become a more humbled, optimistic, open and grateful person. You might have the questions "you're still optimistic after everything you have went through and still endure?" Yes, as i believe that i will achieve my dreams and that nothing is impossible. It is my hope that you will never give up on your aspirations, because we are all worthy of happiness.
Until next time,
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Life is full of challenges, that test or strength of will.With hopes and dreams and destinies, we struggle to fulfil.And every opportunity is always worth a try, If doubt should make us hestitate, the chance may pass us by.We all have limitations, but with courage on our side, everytime we do our best, We learn through having tried.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Power exchange can be expressed by any action. The action that expresses the exchange of power is like the celery that carries the cream cheese. It’s a vehicle, neutral in itself, charged only by the fact that one person commands and the other obeys.
And power exchange itself doesn’t get us a pervert label. It’s part of the mainstream in intimate relationships. Consider “traditional marriage.” The difference, and the thing that gets us considered perverted, is the diversity of our expression and the fact that we choose it rather than allowing our culture to dictate it. Kink is part of that controversial diversity.
Despite all this, we perpetuate our own oppression by carrying social stereotypes into our D/s. Gender roles are a prime example. There’s no reason why doing the dishes should be either a female or a submissive task . . . yet I observe a strong trend towards assuming that subs/slaves are female and that their submission is expressed in domestic service. And I suspect that many of the problems Dommes and male subs face are based in vanilla gender expectations.
And we generate our own stereotypes and labels from within as well, thereby generating both misunderstanding and disrespect. Examples are myriad, ranging from relationship assumptions to the nature and capabilities of people based on whether they’re Dominant or submissive. I can’t tell you how discouraging it is to feel myself facing, as a submissive in my theoretically revolutionary community, a similar set of limiting stereotypes to what I face as a woman in the vanilla world.
So here we are, wanting community, sharing a deeply primal human experience, yet united primarily by our diversity. How can we talk to each other, learn from each other, when each of our relationships has its own vocabulary? Even the word “submission” is defined differently by different people, and each definition describes a valid experience.
I would argue that “education” is something to be approached with care. It’s human to want validation and reassurance that we’re succeeding in the dynamic we’re creating. However, creation is individual. As Marge Piercy said about writing:
“The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms
is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall . . .”
In M/s and D/s, what classes can offer us is techniques and somebody else’s preferences.
What we each bring to the table is ourselves. Our own experience, our own priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us. Not for our neighbors. And we can bring open ears for the lives of others. I believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to ourselves and others.
To my mind, what power exchange relationships offer us is a chance to live one of the most demanding spiritual tenets I know of: the Wiccan Rede. “And it harm none, do as you will.”
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Master and I recently began to really work through some...communication struggles. The reason I bring this up is because it has all seem to come full circle. Master asked me to write this blog as a demi-punishment. We can call it a re-focus exercise. Our recent conversations have all unintentionally come back to structure. I truly didn't realize how much it meant to me until the other day.
Until recently, I didn't see how even how Master speaks gives me the structure I so apparently need. He could tell me when we're doing something, who's making the final decision etc. It's not exactly what he's telling me, it's how. This is a completely different take on structure than I'm used to; I usually equate structure to routines and rituals, habits and schedules. Those are still extremely important, valid and necessary. But the structure that Master's words bring almost feel like a missing piece. I get closure. There's no uncertainty. I know where the control lies. If Master expect me to make the final decision, I'm aware of it and not left trying to figure out why he didn't take the control I was offering.
Master knows I can be dense, stubborn or completely spaced out sometimes, however we hadn't quite tailored our communication to address that nor had we created a structure to work with my endearing shortcomings. No submissive or relationship is the same which is why control and structure will vary greatly between different relationships. There's a power in figuring out what works. It can be quite frustrating getting there and slightly terrifying, but reaching this goal of better communication that you didn't even know you had is absolutely worth every hair-pulling moment.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
In a lifestyle where we strive to be the best we can be, the best submissive, slave, Dominant...person, it can be easy to lose sight of realistic expectations. Expectations are set high by ourselves and by our significant other and meeting that expectation, maybe even surpassing it become our focus. Because our Dominant wants it and we want to do it for them. However, as much as we strive to be the best, there is no such thing as perfection. Sometimes it's difficult to accept, and definitely difficult to keep in mind when you're so focused on serving. Especially if you are a perfectionist, or have perfectionist tendencies.
I will be the first person to admit, I am most definitely a perfectionist to the point where I can make myself sick over tasks, especially when it comes to work. It can be extremely difficult to separate that attitude from the “other me”, the me that Master sees more often, the one that isn't at her desk – rather, she's focused on her service and that's it. And part of me doesn't want to separate my perfectionism from Jessa the submissive. Not only is it a part of my personality (the one that Master said he was attracted to), it's a tool, a work ethic that is applicable to both my RL work and my service to Master.
So how does one balance a need for perfection with the reality that it's never going to happen? Personally, remembering that serving well does not mean perfection is a specific goal of mine. I think it's okay to have high expectations. I think that it's a fantastic way to motivate yourself and wave of pride you feel when you've accomplished something that means so much to you is such a reward (as is my Master's pride in me, but that's a whole different topic.) Do I apply these high expectations to everything I do? Unfortunately and fortunately, yes. I do struggle with not putting myself down when I don't do something as good as I had expected myself to do it. Master has told me on more than one occasion that I have done nothing wrong. And that's where the difference needs to be highlighted. Completing a task below our own self-set standards and completing our task for our Dominant to be evaluated at their standards are two very separate things. I may feel that I have failed (it happens more often then I'd like it to, but I've been a perfectionist all my life), but Master may think I've done a superb job on whatever it is I'm completing.
I guess one could argue that this is where trust comes in. This is where the focus should be. I know without a doubt that my Master would tell me if I did something that wasn't up to his standards. I guess that's where trust comes in, and expectations within the relationship. Master has taken me in his hands – I have given myself to him knowing he won't let me fail; he'll make me into the best version of me possible. I'll always fight internally with myself, but knowing Master's judgment is what truly affects me, it makes things a little easier.
The same can be said for my Master. Long before I wore Master's collar, I knew that there was no perfect Dominant. As I stated earlier – there is no perfect person. We are all growing and learning and evolving in our Dominance or our submission. Mistakes are a way of growing. It's not healthy to expect a Dominant or a submissive to be perfect. To anticipate your every mood. To do everything right the first time. I find that to be unhealthy and a set up for disappointment. Besides, if someone were really that perfect, what could we offer them? How could we help them grow or learn?
I will never get angry at my Master for making a mistake. I accepted him as he is. I don't expect perfection, I don't expect him to have all the answers. I know he too holds himself to higher standards, but he's also mindful of the standards I hold him to. In our relationship, that's what we hold ourselves too. It's the standards of the relationship that matter. And if you're aren't currently in one, know that as long as you make yourself happy, as long as you try your best, you are succeeding. Forward, positive motion is is the important part. Your friends aren't perfect. Your teacher and mentor's aren't perfect. Your friends aren't perfect. It's the imperfection that makes us interesting and unique. As long as we focus on the positive and take away something from mistakes made and problems overcome, imperfection shouldn't be viewed as a negative. It's what gives us our diversity, our character, and our strength.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
This tragic event made me think ... made me think of talents, the light that we have. It is what we show of it that will persist and survive the event of our life's end. It is what carries a meaning by the meaning it has for the heart and life of other people. Let's dare to stand in the light and shine to our potential.
Houston's "One Moment in Time" @ Grammy Awards
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
It is true that our lifestyle must be kept private from the uneducated and intolerant vanilla world. However, I was not willing to accept that this made my lifestyle choice "bad" or "dirty". Even at the start of my journey, I sensed that there was an uplifting and hopeful aspect to what I longed for. It didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel GOOD, and I wanted desperately to meet other people in the lifestyle that felt the same.
Second Life has the unique ability to show us both the dark and light side of almost any situation we can imagine. Hopping from sim to sim, we can experience a wide range of perspectives on the D/s lifestyle. Some people want that dark, brutal slavery and there are many places which will accommodate them. But for those of us who choose a different path, there are the educational sims. These are places we can go without being harassed or molested, where we can engage in adult conversation and hopefully learn something new about ourselves and our relationships.
It's vitally important that the educational sims are maintained in Second Life. Each of us was new to this lifestyle at some point and faced with the arduous task of finding quality information and assistance without being ashamed of our desires or being preyed upon. As practitioners of D/s we are all called to support, in any manner we can, the sims and owners who have dedicated themselves to providing this service.
If you travel around the educational sims, you'll see the 80/20 law in effect. 80% of the funding and work is done by only 20% of the people. I applaud those efforts. But it's time for everyone to stop and think about what they can do to help.
The economy sucks. Not everyone has the disposable income to donate (though even small donations add up). If you can donate, you should. However, each of us has talent(s). If you can't offer money, offer time or assistance. Seek out the sim owner and let them know your talent. Can you design graphics? Lead a discussion group? Build? Plan parties? Write? Do administrative tasks like transcription or filing? Believe me, there is ALWAYS something which needs to be done.
If you are reading this blog, chances are that you enjoy the educational sims. Many of you are already offering some form of support. If you aren't, I hope you'll consider becoming an active part of the community. We need you. We need your gifts, your time and your talent to make Second Life a solid source of education and assistance to the wider D/s community.
There were people who helped you on your journey. Turn around and lend a hand to others. Helping, welcoming, caring and educating...it's all part of TTWD.
[I stopped by SoS yesterday to take a peek at the new castle and was reminded, all over again, why I was initially attracted to SoS. Nothing about this place looks like a dungeon. There is no sense of fear at all, but only a welcoming atmosphere which encourages exploration. Kudos to Mikhail, Sir, Alisha and Sarrah. The new castle looks wonderful!]
Sunday, February 5, 2012
In my opinion a lot of the thoughts presented by the author Nan S. Russell can be related to trust in the context of an intimate relationship too. We so often talk about trust and how important it is to make D/s relationships work. I hope that this article may feed some contents and deeper level thoughts to the
term "trust" that we so often toss in at discussions among people interested in BDSM.
I'd be glad if a discussion about the ideas presented could develop in the comments area of this blog.
7 Misunderstood Truths About Workplace Trust
- Authentic Trust at Work
Published on December 31, 2011 by Nan S. Russell in Trust: The New Workplace Currency
Trust is the most misunderstood word at work, resulting in perceptions of broken promises and trampled expectations. People mean different things when they use the word. But the new workplace currency of trust is centered on authentic trust. Authentic trust comes from authentic people.
Only when there is a commitment to the relationship is authentic trust built. When mutual commitments are delivered without concern for personal advantage or attempted manipulation or control, trust grows.
Consider these misunderstood truths about authentic trust - the kind of trust that builds workplaces and ignites engagement:
1. Trust is not always a good thing.
There are many types of trust. Non-authentic, basic trust can be unrealistic, naïve, foolish, or blind. Yet, many people still operate at work with this simple kind of trust most of us started with as babies. Childlike trust is not authentic trust. It's not the kind of trust that builds work relationships. Trust is not inherently good or not good. It's how and when it's applied.
2. Mistrust is not the opposite of trust. Control is.
Notice where there is a lack of authentic trust and you'll see controlling people. Giving trust is a choice to be made but once it's given, accountability tied with freedom is at its core.
3. There is always risk when giving trust.
Authentic trust is an action developed through critical thought and experience. It doesn't deny the past or ignore the possibility of future trust broken, either intentional or unintentional. Those operating with authentic trust weigh the risks and benefits before giving it.
4. Trust is a process.
Authentic trust is not a screensaver waiting in the background until it's needed. It's not the glue that holds things together. Authentic trust is a learned emotional skill. It involves an ongoing process of relationship building, where the relationship is more important than any one particular outcome.
5. Trust is about people not things.
Trust involves interpersonal engagement. We may use the word, associating trust with things as well as people, but one can't really "trust" their car. We confuse trust with "dependable" or "reliable." Authentic trust requires commitments made and commitments honored. It necessitates decision, action, and response.
6. Trust is conditional.
There are limits and conditions with authentic trust. When we say we trust someone, there is a presumed statement of conditionality. I may trust my mechanic to work on my car, but I don't trust him to do my root canal.
7. To get trust you must give it.
If you want to be trusted you must first give trust. You may be loveable, but that won't get you love - loving will. Sharing, not hoarding information gets you communication, and respect comes by respecting others. As a relationship process, authentic trust is no different. Contrary to popular belief, trust is not earned. You start trust by giving trust.
Authentic trust, like love, is cultivated, grown, and nurtured. We make authentic trust. We make it by what we do and how we do it. We make it by what we say and how we say it. We make it by showing up and being authentic. We make it by giving it away.
The article is adapted from my book, Hitting Your Stride: Your Work, Your Work.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
"Command me...Control me...Master me!"
He had been quizzing me over several days, asking questions about my life, my dreams, and my goals. He wanted to know private things, too. It excited me to give Him all the details. No one had ever asked so many questions about ME and I loved the attention. Finally, in that extremely sexy, slow and deliberate way of His, Master gave me my first task as His submissive:
"You need to drink more water."
I was a little disappointed so I asked hopefully, "Is there anything else Master would like me to do?"
"No more sweets without permission. Eat fruit, instead."
Um...it was not what I wanted. I wanted some sexual task or erotic assignment. I wanted to be His submissive a.k.a. sex slave, not obey the Department of Agriculture's guidelines for good health. Granted, Master was taking luscious sexual advantage of me, but I was ready for the good stuff.
Like most submissives, I yearned to feel His darker side, that sexual Mastery. What I didn't realize until I looked back on that time, is that I WAS being Mastered: but it was complete Mastery and preparation for more intense play. From the beginning, Master wanted much more from me than just sexual scenes. He wanted a permanent, life-long submissive. So with that goal in mind Master began training my heart, body, mind and spirit to be absolutely and completely HIS.
It takes a wise Master to understand needs. No matter how hot and eager the submissive is, if her basic life needs are being neglected it will eventually overwhelm her and possibly destroy the relationship. If she isn't getting enough sleep, she's going to burn out. If she isn't eating healthy foods, she'll lack energy. If she feels unloved or lacks friends, she will become insecure and too needy (demanding). If money or housing is a worry, the stress will affect her ability to submit. How can she submit fully to you if she must fight to maintain control over an out-of-control situation?
Handle the basics first. Put that submissive who stays up all night on a bedtime. Monitor her food, if necessary. Help her manage a budget or to find help in doing so. Remember, as a Master, you have already conquered these things in yourself, right? Share your insight with your sub, help her improve her LIFE and I guarantee that it will reflect in her deeper submission to you.
There will always be new situations or ongoing issues that the submissive must deal with, so continue to monitor those basic needs. Add more rules or protocols as she develops, but ALWAYS check back to make sure she is in compliance with the basics (we tend to lapse on them).
Difficult times in my relationship with Master are thankfully few, but they always seem to occur when those basic needs get out of whack. If I don't get enough good sleep, go on a sugar binge or get trapped at my desk for days on end doing work and go without exercise or getting outdoors (fresh air), I tend to get cranky, irritable and try to wrestle back control.
Wrestling back control is another way of saying "I have a need here that isn't being met." Although I would argue about some petty thing to Master, a closer look has routinely shown that my REAL need was a basic one. Once that basic need was addressed (like getting some sleep), the petty thing I was squabbling about seemed irrelevant or not nearly as important as I made it out to be.
Always start there because it's the simple stuff which builds a solid foundation for D/s.
[dual posted from the blog subtypical]
Monday, January 30, 2012
I abhor condemnation, however I think that judgment is critical to making strides toward understanding these complex concepts. I must be able to perceive, assess, and evaluate myself and, yes, even others in situations where I am a part. Starting deep within, moving outward to my immediate family, then to my social circle, then the larger circle of community, I must be cognizant of the things that are the threads of our humanity which make us the whole of who we are as individuals and as a community. The importance of this is relative, I suppose, but for me this understanding is what defines the next right act in my life, or how I respond.
I have found myself perplexed lately by a paradigm which I call Band-Aid D/s. My own belief is that we each bring our own baggage through life; we all have ideals, issues, beliefs, and perceptions which essentially dictate how we move through our day to day reality. I have experienced disappointment and disillusionment in observing that in some cases, people (who are just like every other person) get involved and enter into the lifestyle. They have their own mix of baggage and, like everyone else, are trying to find happiness and success. These people enter into the lifestyle and find seeming approval, validation, value, and satisfaction merely by joining together in community or even more personally in a household. But it seems that is where the journey ends. It mystifies me. Somehow some people are content to show up and say the words, give and receive a promise and this genesis of power exchange provides the balm to their soul which we all need so dearly. The idea of D/s seemingly heals hurts, insecurities, appetites, and fears and gives them what they seek.
Sadly, a lot more hurt can result, and people may find themselves in a cycle or loop, and like a tornado they wreak havoc in their own lives and in the lives of others. I believe that it is only the idea of D/s which they have grasped. In reality they do not actually practice Dominance or submission. They do not use any of the tools or concepts widely discussed in most educational venues, in fact their behavior may be quite the opposite of what We as a community define in a general sense as D/s.
So the dilemma which I find myself considering is how do *I* conduct myself particularly with those individuals who practice Band-Aid D/s. First of all, it is ludicrous to judge what is going on with a person unless you specifically know them, at least enough to measure their actions vs. their words. Additionally, I believe it is essential to be open minded and loving, knowing that we each are all on our own journey. Those Band-Aid D/sers might be somewhere along the way to realization, and I would rather be an instrument of edification. One way to see it is that maybe I am the one sowing seeds, or watering planted seeds, helping to cultivate something undiscovered. So HOW do I conduct myself and still maintain and preserve that sanctity and integrity of my D/s?
Well, it all boils down to a few simple things: first and foremost – it never fails to be true to myself. This means allowing my character, my core values, and even my baggage and growth to determine how I act and speak. It means to think things through and don’t indulge in destructive thinking or enabling it in others. It means to be gently and painfully honest and open, being vulnerable, trusting that in the end Truth always wins. And one silly ideal I have always indulged is ‘trouble always eliminates itself’. It’s true to a point, but the “defender-of-the-helpless” in me, wants to righteously pursue justice and protect myself and the community from those who wreak havoc and who seem committed to their path of selfish self centered parasitic involvement in the community. Fortunately, I have a strong family who is my sounding board and support, and I have a strong community who like me are committed to RESPECT, HONOR, ACCEPTANCE, and TOLERANCE, who also make their stand on what is true. I find myself, in the end, balancing everything out, coping, and continuing to grow into a better submissive and human being. I believe without a doubt that the key is understanding.
And with that I am reminded of one of my favorite poems/songs:
Divine, make me a channel of thy peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Divine, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I have mused before on the nature of submission, on my experience of submission as a positive, active state rather than an absence of reactance - or absence of anything else, for that matter. Thinking more deeply - what is at the core of submission (and kink) for me? And I find that it is the same thing that is at the core of a primary relationship: intimacy.
For me, sex, kink and D/s are vehicles for intimacy. That state of committed, connected, loving vulnerability is what holds the erotic/energetic/spiritual charge required both for sexual arousal and for the gratification of being controlled. And for me, that intimacy is equivalent to (and reserved for) life partnership. It’s all facets of the same jewel.
Compliance, on the other hand, is either unrelated or opposed to intimacy. When I use the c and q system in a discussion, I am not in an intimate relationship. On the contrary, I am engaging my adult self in collaboration with (hopefully) other adults to maintain a social consensus that allows us all to speak and be heard. When I choose to be polite to the nice police officer to avoid the consequences of saying what I really think, that is the opposite of intimacy. Following hierarchy or laws does bring up the ethical issue of when one decides that a custom or law is too unjust to obey; I think this is related to, but not equivalent to, a Dom/me, sub or slave’s need to evaluate the health and sanity of commands.
Because of the above, I share the feelings that someone expressed during a recent discussion. Equating my submission to my Master with my complying with hierarchy or law feels both inaccurate and disrespectful.
When I was a City girl in the Gorean town of Herlit, I was not in a submitted relationship. Herlit’s City collar gave me a place to belong, a place to contribute, the felt protection of a group, a recognized role in an established social context. My complying with the “rules” of that role was something I did with joy because it reinforced the belonging, but, for me, it was not submission. I think that sense of belonging is completely valid and valuable, and that many SL D/s households offer exactly that to their members, both in Gor and in D/s.
I believe that the experience of community and power exchange is multifaceted, and that different people get qualitatively different things, at different times, from a number of separate activities that are all labeled “submission.” We need more words. We need better ways to respect each other. Respecting each others’ kink or family structure is too superficial. We need to respect each others’ emotional, energetic and spiritual reality, and recognize the limitations of our language.