Sunday, September 25, 2011

Shy Violet or Venus Fly Trap?

If you have ever seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" then you know what my childhood looked like. Just exchange Italian for Greek. Within the first five minutes i was reliving my childhood as "a swarthy six year old with sideburns". So it should be no surprise that in my younger years i was painfully shy. When i talked to people i would turn bright red and stare at the floor. And never a moment went by that i didn't feel like the whole world was staring at me.

Question; do you think a true shy Violet like this would contact a stranger out of the blue? Answer; not unless their shorts were on fire and they needed help. Even then....maybe!

Now we all know about the "domwannabies". They are easy to spot. They stick a "Dom" tag over their head in world and command the first submissive/slave they see to kneel and serve. Then they have the audacity to act incensed when the sub/slave answers "who you think YOU talkin' to" and moves on. Yes, domwannabies are easy to spot and even easier when they open their mouths.

But what about shy violets? From reading my own writing i would surmise most people would not attribute that with me. But you are not physically standing here with me. I can not look up and see judgement in someones eyes. And its been 30 plus years since those days for me. Master has helped me conquer much of my natural withdrawn state. Which brings me to my point. Shy violets have natural behaviors even online. There are certain things they simply wont do. Instant Messaging a stranger out of the blue? Not unless YOUR shorts are on fire and they are offering to help. And that is another violet trait. They tend to be helpful nurturing souls.

Unfortunately there are also the Venus Fly Traps i mentioned in the title. They give off the scent of violet with sweetness like "I'm so shy" or "i am not normally like this". But if these words come from a random stranger i guarantee you its not a violet. Its a fly trap luring someone in. Violets are also not prone to be exhibitionists either. If "i don't normally do this" is followed by "but I'm horny and i see you are a Dom"..YUP. Its a trap. Grant you, there are people here looking just for kink But if You are Dominant looking for a true submissive/slave then beware of the fly traps. Chances are if You listed in Your profile "looking for that sweet sub/slave heart" the fly trap will read this and coat their tongue in violet perfume.

But this is not someone interested in being submissive. Once You step on the trap, that jaw will snap shut, suck you dry, and spit you right back out. And YES i intended you to take that in any way you want to. It all adds up to the same thing. Venus Fly Traps are kinksters not lifestylers. They are not interested in long term commitment. What they want is to satisfy their kink and move on. And if that means tricking a fly, they have no problem with it. Its all part of the role and game. The good news is that the human fly traps don't have half the patience of their plant namesake. Remember their goal is just to lure you in long enough to satisfy their kink.If you take your time, ask a few questions, they will get bored, snap off some rude comment and move on. What is the point of trying to lure in a quickie if it takes months just to get close to you?

OK, so how does one spot a true violet? In times past, the only place to meet any lifestyler in SL was at places like Bondage Ranch. Even i spent some time there. But a true violet will not be in a full kneel position with "no limits" on the tag over their head. They will be hanging back by the fence watching and trying not to get in the way. Nowadays, the newer violets to the lifestyle can seek out educational and safe sims where they can get information without pressure. Violets like to know what they are getting into before they jump. Still not sure they are a violet? Check out the profile. If they say "I'm shy" and their groups are all hardcore...YUP its a fly trap. This also tends to be true of those who hide their groups. Yes, some people prefer privacy of their groups. Others are not interested in being pursued by Doms at this point. But if they invite you to IM because "ohmygooness i SOOO shy"...AND they hide groups? How big your teeth are!! Violets tend to join groups for shopping, or skills like building and scripting. Anything that will allow them to be part of a group and mingle without calling attention to themselves.

Another clue to a true violet; remember violets are introverts with strangers. If you just met someone claiming to be a violet that pours out their life story about sexcapades, sex abuse etc...RUN. Violets need lots of warmth and gentle treatment without a big spotlight on them. In other words you will have to work hard to earn their trust enough before they tell you diddly squat about their private world. They are not looking to call attention to themselves. ESPECIALLY their private thoughts. And while they may be in touch and learning about their submissive tendencies, they are not about to shout that info across whole sims. Fly traps have no problem crossing the TMI line. In fact sometimes you cant get them to close the mouth! And they will lay on the sweet broken shtick too. You know..."i give so much but everyone just wants to hurt poor poor me". Not something a violet will toss on the doorstep of a person they met a half hour ago. If they were hurt, you are going to have to earn the right to be told. And FYI..the "poor sweet meoh" types will use that very same excuse when they are spitting you out and running for the boarder a week later. "I was hurt and sorry but bye". They have played their game and honestly have no care for any hurt they cause to others.

My final Sub-Stance; To find true violets, you have to look in quiet, not so lit corners. Their scent, while sweet, is subtle and not overpowering. And if you want to see them in full flower, perhaps add them to your own garden of life...patience is required. They will blossom but only if you are gentle, give lots of warmth while letting them grow into the sun on their own time. But once they have started to thrive and stretch under your care, they will be ever blooming. Their roots will grow deep and strong. You will have a quietly strong yet delicate bloom that will cling tenaciously to your garden no matter what the weather.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 2 - "Communication strategies - Transactional Analysis applied in D/s context"

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" (IE) that I am referring to in this series of articles is described on the website I find the ideas presented in the essays on this website very thought provoking and inspiring, and as a submissive D/s lifestyler I can relate to a lot mentioned there.

The concept "Internal Enslavement" (=IE) deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationships. According to Tanos who is running the Internal Enslavement Website the answer is yes. He has done scientific research in this field and gathered a lot of experience from his own life as a Master living together with his slaves in a poly household for several years. It is assumed that radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards step by step. The supporters of the concept of IE also believe that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (

With this article, I would like to present one of the various psychological theories and methods that can help with enslaving a submissive and growing the M/s bond. It is a well-known communication theory, called "Transactional Analysis". As we all know, communication is a big part of the actions and dynamics between a Dominant and a submissive. Success and failure of a relationship are often correlated with how well the partners can communicate with each other and understand each other. Being open with each other and being willing to share is essential to the success of any human relationship, and in D/s relationships even more so.

One famous book presenting the communication theory of Transactional Analysis (=TA) has this title "I'm OK - You're OK". It was written by Thomas Harris and was published in 1967. The book title desribes the goal of successful communication: Both partners participating in a transactional process / communication, should feel okay in the end and also see that the other is okay. This is called the "healthy position". Why is it called position? When I start to communicate with someone, it should be my standpoint, focus and goal - and in this sense position - that i want him/her and (!) myself to be okay in the course and outcome of the transactional process. The "healthy position" describes a mindset.

It is not healthy when my partner is okay but i am not okay or the other way round. And of course, when none of the communication partners feels okay, it is the worst form of a communcation that is a failure - it is called the "hopeless position". We could also call it the "dead end" of a transactional process and it is very hard to find a way out there during the same conversation.

Before i get in more details about TA, here is some background of this psychological concept. In the early 20th century, Freuds psychoanalytical theories became very popular. Freud believed that personality had three components, all of which must work together to produce our complex behaviors. These three components or aspects were the Id, Ego, and the Superego. One of Freud's greatest contributions to psychological research was that the human personality is multi-faceted. Regardless of the classification or name given to a particular area of personality (id, superego, etc.), each individual possesses factions that frequently collide with each other. And it is these collisions and interactions between these personality factions that manifest themselves as an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Now Eric Berne, the founder of the Transactional Analysis, believed that Freud's proposed structures are "concepts... [and not]
phenomenological realities" (Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press, Inc., New York, 1961.) So Berne dealt with the phenomenological realities. And these are the actions of individuals. How they conduct themselves in the social environment.So Berne's therapist approach was not to ask the client a lot of exploring questions such as a freudian psychoanalytical therapist would do. He rather watched the client's actions when he/she acted in a social group. Tracked and analyzed how their transactions were. How they communicated ... what position they took in the transactional processes.

I think you already see what meaning Berne's approach carries for D/s relationships and enslavement. By watching a submissive's actions when interacting with other people, analyzing how his/her transactions are, how he/she communicates ... can help a lot with getting to know the inside of the submissive better and to get knowledge about how to best communicate with the sub in order to reach him/her in his/her depths and further enhance enslavement.

Transactional Analysis is based on the fundamental theory of how our brain records and memorizes events: The human brain acts in many ways like a camcorder, vividly recording events. While that event may not necessarily be able to be consciously retrieved by the owner, the event always exists in the brain. Both the event and the feelings experienced during that event are stored in the brain. The event and the feelings are locked together, and neither one can be recalled without the other. When an individual replays his or her experiences, he or she can replay them in such a vivid form that the individual experiences again the same emotions he or she felt during the actual experience. I think we have all had plenty of communication situations when a feeling stored in our brains from a past experience, for example, came back into our mind very vividly and influenced our communication. This is not only relevant for aspects of safety in D/s (traumas suddenly surfacing etc.), but also for effective communication of Dominant and submissive trying to grow internal enslavement.

Depending on our past and current experiences and feelings and precognitions of our future, our ego can assume different states. TA speaks of the PARENT, ADULT and CHILD ego state, and these ego states surface in the transactional actions of an indidivual during communication. Someone who maybe had very overpowering and strict parents during childhood might tend to still go into the child's rebellion when somebody talks to him/her in parent mode such as "you should do this and this" ... "why didn't you ...". This is just one example. These ego states and their mutual influence on one another during transactional processes (communication) can be analyzed, and this is what TA is about. Goal of TA is to help individuals reflect themselves better when they communicating or preparing a conversation and to help them achieve the healthy position in communication more often. It should be clear that in order enslave a submissive successfully, the healthy position in communication of Dominant and submissive is ultimatelty important and should be strived for.

To become more concrete ... let's think of a Dom and a sub talking to each other. What could be a typical sentence coming out of a "PARENT ego state" of the Dominant, influenced by behaviors, thoughts and feelings copied/learned from his/her parents or parents figures? Examples such as "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you", "I've trained you better than that", "You don't want to disappoint me, do You?" come to mind. Now, which reaction could follow on the sub's side? It often happens that "parent ego state" provoques a response coming out of "CHILD ego state", which is not surprising. We have all been primed by our past experiences, and the impact of our family socialization is a huge one. So it might happen that a submissive answers "All the other Doms let their subs do it", and we are reminded of the rebellion of a teenage child against the father or mother. Among adults, the relation "parental ego state talking to child ego state" normally leads to communication problems and/or miscommunications. This way, the healthy state "I am OK You are OK" seems to be out of reach. Now, how would an ADULT ego state react to "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you?". One example is: Ask back, ask for info to be able to reflect better. Try to get info to understand the Dom in the right way. Say something that presents ability to self reflect and not be carried away by childish emotions that may lead to reactions of rebellion or shame.

Let me give another example: The Dominant gives an order (parental), and the sub says "But ..... is too difficult for me. I can't do this myself. I need your help." (child). Response coming out parent ego state would be: "Awww of course ... let me help you ..." and then pamper pamper pamper and/or rule rule rule may follow. An adult ego might try to strengthen the powers of the "child-like" communication partner, trying to open ressources to him/her and help him/her to have trust that he/she will find the right way and offer cooperative (!) support in it ... but not do things instead of the "helpless child". Empower the submissive ... and not act out power instead of the submissive and let him/her lazily lean back in childish helplessness which is the opposite of helping a sub grow which is a goal many Dominants and subs have. So to speak, an adult ego might try to empower the "child ego" he/she is interacting with get into "adult ego state" as well.

In general, a recipe for working towards healthy communication is this: When you hear a "parent ego" talk to you, try to respond in the "adult state" (and not in child ego state), and when you have a "child ego" talk to you don't try to respond as "parent ego" but as "adult ego" as well.

Question is: Do we need to apply this wisdom of TA to communication between a Dominant and a submissive and give them this recipe?

We know that some Dominants want their subs responsible and understanding like adults, while other Dominants (for example Daddy Doms) often prefer a more paternal role, and might find child like responses appealing on some situations as they can reinforce the atmosphere and roles.We also know that in D/s relationships quite many submissives tend to live their "inner child" and enjoy doing so. Different relationships actually thrive on the different transactional roles. It belongs to the great freedoms of D/s lifestyle that we can chose, based on consent with the partner(s) involved. It is possible that achieving a "healthy position" is possible for a specific
Dom and a sub when they talk "parent to child and child to parent" during some time. I nevertheless doubt that it is possible for them to maintain a stabile bond of D/s and communicate effectively in a healthy way if they did this all the time, and never talked "adult to adult".

It becomes clear that communication requires a lot of self reflectivity and reflectivity of the other's condition and words if we want it to be "healthy communication" ("I am OK You are OK" ). Many submissives seem to seek something parental in the Dominant and tend to react from child position, living their "inner child" freely and enjoyably in their D/s relationship if the Dominant is a good match. The question at hand is: Wouldn't it be better if the Dom tried to communicate as adult and not as parent, in order to not get a "child response" but the reaction of an "adult"? it is clear that as grown-ups and adult people we do not need to copy our parents ... as adults we have our own individuality, minds and knowledge and experience of ourselves. But
we need to be aware that even without intention we might transact in the child position or parents position.

In D/s context specifically, we need to be aware that it might be a deep need of a sub to be accepted and communicate taking the "child position", as well as it might be a need of a Dominant to be "paternal". We also know that Daddy/daughter style of D/s relationships is not uncommon. We also need to be aware that the experience of "parent to child and child to parent" communication that feels like "I am OK You are OK" ("healthy position") within a D/s relationship can be quite therapeutic and it might help specific Dominants and or submissives to overcome problematic experiences dating out of their childhood.

On a wise statement of a female slave can be read:
"Knowing how this all affected me, and knowing what I have learned about the ego states, I am convinced of how unhealthy it would be for anyone to be encouraged to use just one ego state. By encouraging the use of one ego state (Child) at the expense of the others (Adult and Parent) would be to deny us from using the very things which have kept most of us (particularly submissives) safe all our lives. We would become incapable of using all the healthy ways of coping, with life and with ourselves."

If relationship roles (such as "Daddy Dom - daugther sub") match the transactional roles and transactions are perceived as healthy ("I am OK You are OK"), then transactions reinforce the relationship roles. Hence it is very important to again and again analyze and reflect relationship and transaction roles and their alignment in order to achieve a stabile D/s bond and deepen enslavement.The goal in communication, thinking in the lines of TA, is to empower each other to the healthy "I am ok You are ok" position during and after communication. For some this might work best talking "parent to child and child to parent", for some "adult to adult".

Conclusion yet again: Know Your Dominant, know Your sub, know Yourself. Dare and care to use the knowledge for communication as well. Be interested in the partner's individuality and have fun exploring.

written by Mirjam Munro, September 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Last Act: I am Finished and THATS FINAL! (i think)

The other day a friend was joking about an outfit her Dominant wanted her to wear. "Well i can always declare "last act" " she quipped. She was referring to a submissive/slaves ultimate decision to remove their collar. Now i know this person and know they were only joking and not the least bit serious. To a submissive/slave taking off the collar is like cutting off an arm with a dull butter knife. Which is to say it is truly the last thing they would want ever to do. Unfortunately all too often i have seen many who ARE serious about using "last act" to get their way.

Master teaches in His Dominance courses that while the Dominant has the final order and say of the household, the submissive/slave has the ultimate power of last act. This is why He cautions Dominants to make sure of Their decisions. Being honest, safe, and consider that sub/slave's feeling when making choices are very important. Taking these things for granted will ultimately lead to last act. But i would also have to add that Dominants should be careful of the person they collar too. Be certain this person values YOU and all You believe in, trusts You, and that  You have given time to truly understand E/each other. Otherwise You might end up with a sub/slave that could care less about Your decisions and blatantly try to top You.

Unfortunately i have seen it be a common response when i tell students "your Dominant owns you not the other way around. It is not your place to challenge the Dominant, but rather respectfully share your feelings about certain things. Then your duty to obey the final decision." Which inevitably leads to "but i can always take my collar off if i don't like the decision". Well, yes technically you can. But hold on to your leashes my siblings in service. Lets stop and think about the importance of this great power. It was never intended to give you control of the Dominant. It was intended as a safety net for those times when a Dominant makes a clearly unsafe and harsh decision or order. If a Dominant orders you rob a bank, THAT would be a good reason to take off your collar and run. But if you are being punished for being disrespectful and ordered to write an essay, for example, then taking off the collar is the last thing you should even consider. In this instance the only thing you should be doing is writing that essay and thinking about how your actions reflect on your Dominant.

The simple truth is that taking off your collar every time you disagree with your Dominant is not only topping Them, but it cheapens the collar to nothing. The whole purpose of the collar and the commitment are lost. There are going to be times when you disagree with your Dominant. Its normal. But when you took that collar you told your Dominant that you trusted Them to make the final decisions. Trusted them enough to kneel and obey. If you have no trust for a Dominant then you have no business being collared to Them. And if you think "last act" is intended to get your own way, then you don't belong in the lifestyle. Your collar is a symbol of honor and commitment to that Dominant. Last time i checked, honor and commitment were not things you do when you feel like it or when it is convenient.

But the biggest mistake i see being made by subs/slaves who use the power of "last act" this way is in thinking it is reversible. Folks the truth is a strong and confidant Dominant will consider "last act" just that; the LAST act.

I have seen subs and slaves who were shocked when their Dominant refused to take them back. They act as though they have been wronged. "Well it was such a silly thing really! I cant believe They wont give me back my collar!"..Of course not! If it is a petty and nonsense thing you took your collar off for then you deserve to be left where you are. That Dominant clearly sees that sub/slave for the manipulative person they are and since they so conveniently let them self out of the house, why bring them back?

A confidant, well educated Dominant will not put up with being bullied or manipulated. Once Their collar is thrown off in this manor, it will never be offered again. That promise and bond were broken. And a confidant Dominant would rather have no submissive or slave than be stuck with a manipulator. Eventually They will find someone to serve Them with honor. this point my words have been toward my fellow subs/slaves. But i would be lying if i said that Dominants have not also used the collar in this fashion too. I have seen subs/slave scared to sneeze wrong for fear of having their collar yanked. And i have seen Dominants very blatantly state that the minute a servant disagrees in the slightest about any decision made or even breaths a word of being uncomfortable that collar is off. This is not Domination. This is bullying too.

A Dominant should not have to use the threat of decollaring to get His/Her way. A submissive/slave is also a human. We have thoughts and feelings and those need to be considered when making decisions. Mistakes are also part of being human. No sub/slave should have to be afraid to breath wrong in order to serve. If i am afraid to put on a pair of shoes and have them be the "wrong" ones, i am not being dominated i am being terrorized.

Yet i have even heard "Dominants" make statements like "i am going to call her slut in public and if she don't like it there's the door"...Really? What are her limits? Is she OK with being humiliated just because it gives you a jolly? And what does this say about the value of a Dominants collar if they can be yanked for such things? Any idiot can CALL themselves "Dominant". That doesn't mean they are. And if a collar is so easy for a "Dominant" to pop off without the slightest feeling for it, then that collar is so cheap its not worth wearing. A dime a dozen in fact. For these "domwannabies" a thought; No self respecting sub/slave is going to have their gift manipulated like this. True servants are going to be absolutely crushed if you take away a collar. And don't even THINK of asking them back. You broke their trust in you and it will never return.

To my fellow siblings in service, if you are being threatened to have your collar taken over the most minuscule of perceived slights every day then maybe your Dominant is not Dominant. Just insecure and using the collar as a means to scare rather than show care of you. The collar should be the open symbol of the Dominant's care and honor They feel for you and your submission. It should not be used as a "do it or lose it" choke hold.

In the M/s lifestyle total power exchange is expected. But the Master will not collar a slave that is not ready to give TPE either. Therefore They would not use the collar as a punishment. It is the symbol of Their commitment to the slave. They would not cheapen the value of Their collar by using it daily as a ball gag.

The moment a "dominant" takes that collar off out of some petty notion that it will "teach you a lesson"...consider it last act. Do not answer calls, do not engage in conversation. Let them go. I have seen subs/slaves go through the agony of being decollared, the abandonment, and the devastation. Only to be contacted by that "dominant" a day later who expects them to jump back in the collar or jump back into command. If you allow them to do this to you, then it will happen over and over. You should never allow yourself to be collared only when it is convenient to the "Dominant". They may cry, whine, etc, but they made that final decision. Since they have the final word, let them live with it.

My final Sub-Stance; folks a collar is not something you can toss off and on like underwear. It is not meant to be used as a manipulation tool or "when ever i feel like it". A true collar is a commitment to a relationship. It is saying to E/each other "I care for you, I vow to honor you, and I will respect my commitment to you". If either party does not feel this care or commitment then leave the collar off. It wont be worth, as Momma used to say, "the powder and shot to blow it up". Leaving a collar or taking one away is not something to be done lightly. It is severing the cord between the Dominant and sub/slave. It is not a punishment, it is a finality.