Sunday, February 27, 2011

Something Of Value: The Toothbrush and the Ticket

I can not tell you how many times, as a submissive and as a person, i have said "i am not worthy". How many times i have felt the power of Master's love, the joy of the gifts He gives me and thought myself not good enough to deserve them. And how many times He has told me the one thing that truly disappoints Him is when i do this. It is a mindset that many have and one that is, unfortunately, something that comes with having been hurt or a sense of guilt for hurt we have caused.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.

So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.

Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?

Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.

Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
 Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
 Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.

My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What is Real?

Recently a letter arrived to Master complaining that some teachers and lecturers have no RL experience. Solace Castle has always held that SL and RL experience are both valid and true. This person blatantly stated they did not believe that SL experience in the lifestyle actually counted and were disappointed in O/our stand.
I must admit my very first response was the knee jerk Master is trying so hard to teach me out of. The Irish/Italian blood could not help it. How dare anyone think they have the right to try and tell Master what belief to hold in His own Academy. If they dislike it so much, then quit barking, get off your lazy kiester, and start your own school.
But as i said, Master is working very hard to get me out of that too-quick response. I held my tong (ok i let it fly a little here) and took a step back to think. Actually the note came at a very interesting time for me. I have been pondering it for days and finally think i have sorted out a major issue in my head. So i suppose i owe its author a vote of thanks for making me think.
You see, not long before the letter arrived i had been talking with Master. I was feeling very separated from SL. I told Him of how it did not feel real to me anymore. Certainly i cared for the people i met on SL to a certain extent. But only a very VERY select few were real to me. The rest were pretty much two dimensional. The computer that had once been my refuge was reduced to a box. Just a box and nothing to do with real living. I explained to Master that i had been struggling with this ever since i came to live with Him.
Before i met Master in SL, RL was as plain and dull and lifeless as tapioca pudding to me (sorry pudding lovers). Family, work and house chores were my life. By family i mean grown siblings and parents. I had no one in my life romantically. Nor was it an easy thing to socialize. The town i grew up in had two social hubs; the church or the bar.
Drinking games and clumsy passes by drunk college boys stopped being "fun" in my late twenties. Some would say getting old sucks. And since none of the billion churches in the area impressed me enough to be a die hard fan of that either, there goes the other door. I was left with my daily routine and life alone. A small circle of married friends, family, and the computer. Like a million others in SL, i found my social life in pixels and sims rather than pubs and church picnics.
In that moment of my life SL was more than real. It was me making friends, bonding with people, and exploring myself in ways no one can in RL. The fact is, sometimes learning needs to be done on smaller scales. Take away the unnecessary senses of smell, touch, taste...leave the seeing, the hearing and open your mind. Amazing what you learn about yourself that way. And in a land where everyone is one is judged ugly on sight. Only on behavior.  Was SL reality to me? It was more than that. It was a connection to the real ME.
All of that of course was before Master. When i met Master He was as pixilated as i was. It wasn't His pixles that won my heart in less than an hour. It was Him. His jokes, His warmth, His honest demeanor. But i was smart. I knew i had just met Him. Believe me i did not surrender to Master that first moment. I had been on years already and was well past newbie nose dives. Master never gave up. Months went by before i finally trusted and believed that someone in the world existed and did care for me.
I loved Him. With all of my heart i had fallen for Him. With new eyes i looked at the life i had been living. A life i resigned to live. The crazy old cat lady alone on the hill. He changed that. Life was not a book i was just trying to get to the end of. It was a road with dreams ahead again. More time went by and finally i took a leap of faith in what my heart and head were telling me.
That is when SL began to change for me. The moment i came into this home and into this life. This was different in ways i could not begin to explain. Laundry and dishes were no long drudgery. These things i do now as my way of showing Master how much i love Him, how grateful i am to Him for the life He gave me here. Living in RL finally became a joy again.
SL had lost its use for me. And up until the arrival of the note, had become almost an eyesore. I was more and more seeing SL and the computer as an "idiot box" with no meaning or purpose outside of supporting Master's dream of the Academy. Flat and cold when compared to Master's warm touch and the joy of living life with Him.

So what about the letter bothered me? Why, if SL is just a bunch of pixles, was i so mad at this person's belief that SL experience in the lifestyle didn't count? I had to think back to the life before i was here. When i fell in love with Him, it was REAL love. Even though at the time i could not kneel at His knee, i surrendered to His will just the same. I obeyed His daily command from a country apart just as i do from across the room. I was a submissive in SL but without a Master i believed in until i met Him. So i learned and trained to be HIS girl before He ever touched me. W/we have been together over a year now and its been the best time of my whole life. That's saying a lot 'cause i aint no spring chicken!

W/we at the castle teach that SL experience is just as valid as RL for that reason. A person does not have to be in the room to touch your life...or even in the same country. Of course before the computer they used books and such. The result is the same...HOW you learn is not nearly as important as WHAT you learn and what you take to heart. Unless i am mistaken, people still go to Sunday school and learn from a book. A book so old no one in the room can claim RL either. But it doesnt make what they learn and take from it any less valid.
THAT SAID...i do have to make a very strong argument about the difference between learning and obsession. Even before Master, i may have let some chores slide but took care of my business too. Its ok to learn the lifestyle in SL. As long as you put SL down and tend to RL too. I can not tell you, as a barren woman, how pissed i get when i hear a woman on open voice yell at her todler for wanting some attention. The child should never have to compete with the box. Take care of your babies. Take care of your bills and your work and yourself. Learn and explore SL. Just remember it is SECOND life. It doesn't exist without the FIRST one. There is no excuse for letting your RL go to squalor and ruin for the sake of the pixle world. Even those who turn to SL because of physical limitation have an RL. LIVE the first life. Because if you cant live in the first life you were given, you certainly wont get it right in the second one either.

My final sub-stance on this: A submissive can learn the needs, wants, and desires of the Dominant in SL just as well as RL. RL does provide a different level of awareness...but not a more valid one. Of course that is provided the submissive and Dominant BOTH are opening their mind and heart.
If you're sitting in a scene with the Dominant, using prewritten emotes,drying your nails, and channel surfing were never part of the lifestyle anyway. Unfortunately for the REAL person on the other side of the screen...their heart may be very really involved.
The good news is this sort of faker is also too lazy to be bothered with teaching, writing or speaking on the subject. At least not with any intelligence. Anyone can regurgitate someone else's ideas. You actually have to be paying attention and learning to know something worth sharing. Only putting your heart into something can make it real...RL or SL.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Power Sub: Strength, Confidance, Manners, Intellect, And OWNED

Anyone that has been following my blogs already knows two key things about me:
1) I am an owned submissive
2) I have strong opinions and a big mouth!
For the record, i credit Master with both. Yes Master was the one who gave me the voice i have today. I had my opinionated self but He gave me more self assurance than i have ever known AND the ok to use it. I still make absolutely sure He reads each of these before i release them but i am no longer afraid of raining down some form of catastrophe by being strong worded or minded. Lately there has been mumbling in the D/s community about submissives being "too strong" and questions about strong subs being a "headache".

NOW..i have actually heard some "Dom" types insist that a submissive be seen and never heard except in scenes and only when told. They have said that a true submissive obeys everyone and every order and ALWAYS walks with a sense of shy servitude..... Seriously?
While it is every Dominants prerogative to run their House as they see fit, to control their submissives as they deem proper, it also tells a lot about what kind of person they are too. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to think for them self gives the impression they themselves are uneducated. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to have thoughts or ideas gives the impression they themselves are bland and ignorant. And a Dominant who does not teach the submissive self confidence and self reliance gives the impression they themselves are weak and spineless. Afraid that the submissive will learn and surpass them as an individual.
Master is strong, intelligent, and caring. These are, therefore, qualities He values and looks for. Now that i am collared, He makes it a point to teach and guide me in self confidence. He WANTS me to be strong and to be opinionated. He is not afraid of my having these qualities because He already has them AND He is not in competition with me. He owns me. He dictates my life. In His eyes my strength and confidence can only improve O/our bond. Can only strengthen what W/we are and will be together. I become a better submissive to Him because i share His core values and strengths. He has stated before that in His eyes a submissive without thought or voice is the same as a couch.

For those Dominants that like couches: What are you afraid of? What is it about having an intelligent and confidant submissive that gets you so upset? Are you afraid they may leave or try topping from the bottom? Well lets think about this. What message are you sending when you don't want them to be intelligent?..That you are weak. Submissives read this message and if you don't think they will use it against you, think again. You already told them you were weak. They simply have to find a way to top from the bottom that LOOKS submissive.
SO how is it that a Dominant can have and keep a strong submissive in line? How do they avoid having a mouthy unmannered tart but build confidence in the submissive? The key is the word "mannered". Here is the difference and how it works:
When i am out in public, whether it is in class at the castle or out in RL public, i try very hard to remember my manners. I don't have to be shy shrinking violet. I can look a person in the eye and smile. I can answer a question with self confidence and my head up. But i try to ALWAYS remember please, thank you, yes Sir and no Miss. FYI...Sir and Miss can be used in real life public with the vanilla world none the wiser. They are accepted forms of formal greeting to strangers just as they are here.
So submissives take note, you are not submitting to anyone by using these forms. You are showing a perfectly acceptable formal greeting in any language. Being polite should never be confused with submitting.

And that is where some Dominants get confused. Master wants me to be polite. To use my manners and be gracious. I represent not just the school or the sim but HIM. Even if W/we didn't have the sim, i would always represent the owner of my collar and THAT is more important. Point being Master wants the image of U/us to be that of propriety and dignity. It is what W/we believe in and therefore what He wishes to convey. It is NOT a form of me submitting to ANYONE. Dominants: a submissive being polite and warm is NOT flirting. Especially if they are owned. They are being polite. And until a submissive comes right out and said something suggestive, its NOT ok to assume you can order them around. Again..ESPECIALLY if they have a collar.
I will greet you. I will be polite, friendly, and respectful. I expect the same in return. As a collared submissive there is only ONE Dominant in my life. Only one i bow to and only one i submit to. The rest of you ...while i will respect you and be polite to you, while i will use proper etiquette...I see you as my equal. Only Master is above me. Only Master has the right to expect my submission. And as you are my equal i expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect. The moment you treat me as beneath you , threaten O/our family, or treat me as community property to be ordered around at your WILL get my politely dignified boot. Why? Because YOU don't own me. Master does.
Yes, i am VERY loyal to Master. He has earned my deepest love and respect in both worlds. Couch Masters take note of this too: Would you rather have a submissive who bowed to everyone, took every order no matter what it was, and held no one as special? Or would you rather be the undisputed owner of that submissive? A community couch with no boundaries regardless of what you yourself believe (aka a buyable whore, sextoy) or a submissive who chose to bow to you willingly because they felt YOU were the one they could truly trust. A little hint to you; a submissive who has to take time to know you, earn your trust just as you earn theirs will take that collar more than seriously and be more than loyal because the bond has a meaning.
To recap: Don't mistake my manners and polite smile as submission or as weakness. EVER. I may have a soft voice but the moment Master, sissy, the family, home or myself are disrespected..i DO bite. AND i have permission.
What about uncollared submissives? Who owns them? THEY do. THEY have the ultimate decision over who they submit to. Yes uncollared submissive YOU are equal to EVERYONE until you put someone above you and kneel to them. And the moment some ignorant dumbdumb domdom orders you to kneel for them without even knowing your too have the right to blow them a raspberry and walk away.

BUT keep in mind that this power makes YOU responsible for your own actions. If you choose to submit or do a scene, its YOUR responsibility. Period. No nonsense about "i cant say no". You are able to speak and type so you are not stupid. You are aware of what the word NO means and can use it. If you choose not to that's YOUR fault. Be responsible for you first. If you cant show some restraint, some self respect and dignity to YOURSELF you SURE wont be able to show it to a Dominant so you may as well just go home now.

Finally there is this bit about intelligence. I am a very educated, articulate woman who has a career and at 40 years old i have a few ideas and opinions too. I give these to Master because He RESPECTS them and encourages them. He is confidant and recognizes that my greatest happiness is to serve Him. Not compete with Him. I am considering taking scripting classes soon. Master and i both recognize the potential if i am able to learn scripting and come up with new ideas on creations.
So it is that a submissives intelligence can help the Dominant. What the submissive learns, as they grow...they can apply and make the bond with Dominant, make the household and family ...stronger and better for it. He challenges me and never takes my brain for granted. If i had been a couch, a brainless, mindless robot...He would not have given me a second glance. He needs me to be able to tie my own shoes.

My final sub-stance on this: I am a strong submissive. I have intelligence, manners, respect and SELF respect. I don't OWE the world or you anything. Least of all submission. That i have already given to Master. He ALONE has the right. Be nice, be respectful and you and i will get along just fine ;)