Sunday, May 29, 2011

The First Responsibility

Ok..i am about to make a statement that will automaticly raise the backhairs on most folks in the lifestyle. But before Y/you break out the tar and feathers, please bare with me and finish reading the whole blog. I think A/all will understand when i am finished explaining.
If you ask a submissive what their first obligation and responsibility is, they are likely to answer "to please my Dominant". Dominants given the same question will likely give the same response "To please me". Now for that awful statement.
The first responsibility and obligation for a submissive is to themself. Yes i am ducking now and hoping Y/you keep that promise and read on!

Before ever taking a collar and even after a collar, a submissive must be safe and sane. Your safety needs to come first. As does your abililty to connect to the right Dominant. Too many crazies call O/our lifestyle home and hide in it. Your first responsibility is always to make sure the Dominant you are talking to is a sane one. What good are you as a submissive to anyone if you are the bottom of a lake in a cement collar? Also take into consideration that when it comes to real life submission and letting a Dominant enter your real life, you are taking the safety of others in your hand. If you have children, friends, family near by all may be affected if you invite someone dangerous to your life. You owe it to yourself and these people first before allowing any Dominant to enter your world. Common sense of course. But funny how common sense is anything but common sometimes.

So safety is an obvious one. One that some may overlook at times but still pretty obvious. Now what about emotional obligation? Here is where things may seem to get a little grey. Of course it is the submissive's obligation and responsibility to bring happiness and joy to the Dominant. That is part of the promise of the gift to the Dominant when the collar is taken. But before you ever take that collar would it not be rather important to determine if you CAN please that Dominant?
Not everyone is going to be compatable. W/we are all different, have different needs, backgrounds, fears, fetish, and even dreams. If two people start out already going to two different directions, they are not likely to fix that a month or even ten years down the road. Remember, a submissive serves and pleases the Dominant but the Dominant also wants to lift the submissive to be a better person. To achieve goals and dreams. A little hard on the Dominant if the submissive has a dream the Dominant doesnt aprove of. Even harder if the submissive has a desire that is repulsive to the Dominant.
So! What good is it to submit yourself to a relationship that is going to fail? As a submissive you owe yourself the first obligation of taking the time it takes to make sure you are compatable with that Dominant.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Clichés are the enemies of quality

We’ve all heard them and likely have even said clichés. During times of trouble people say “You’re never given more than you can handle” or “All your needs will be met”. Those clichés are cliché for a reason. Is it because they are true or because they give us comfort?

It is my opinion that the first cliché “You’re never given more than you can handle” is utter nonsense. If it were true, I would be omnipotent. I have often been given more than I can handle which in turn caused me to reach out. The second cliché mentioning “All your needs will be met” has always been a conundrum for me. If this is true, why are there hungry, sick, hurt, or lonely people?

Maybe it’s just me who doesn’t accept that as an answer to one of life’s mysteries. In any case, it leads me to my point which is about the choices we make and our needs. It is true that we all have some common needs. How do we define needs? How do we measure needs? How do we learn to make choices that will empower us to be our best? Because, by nature, dominance and submission can result in serious harm in every aspect, it is particularly crucial as a member of the D/s lifestyle to answer these questions.

I postulate that needs are much more than basic elements. Truly, we must have more than basic functions if we are going to thrive. I believe that needs are about setting priorities. For example, I need to be involved and part of the community so I can continue to serve, learn, and grow. But if I were to become ill my need and priority would shift markedly. It is about balance.

So often we hear about needs vs wants in discussions. For me it is simple: there are layers of need.

(I highly recommend at least skimming Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need)

Do those layers of need make me vulnerable? I say absolutely not. When need turns into needy and results in me compromising who I am, what I believe, and what I value, that is when I become vulnerable. It is my responsibility.

I hear people say that the collar does not define them, or it is asked “Do you need to be dominated to be submissive?” It is good that a token doesn’t define anyone, but what it symbolizes is no less important. I am submissive whether I am dominated or not. It is who I am. So no, I do not need to be dominated to be submissive, but I freely admit that I do need a Dominant. It’s true.

That does not make me needy or vulnerable. It says that I am submissive and to thrive and grow into my best, a Dominant would be most effective in guiding me toward experiencing my most pure submission. What I will not do is compromise my own hierarchy of need in order to have a Dominant. I was taught that “It is better to be alone than in bad company.” Another wise person said “Be true to yourself and you will not be untrue to anyone else.” See, I love some clichés!

Invariably, as humans we make wrong choices. The line between need and want becomes blurry. We sometimes lose focus of our priorities and who we are, what we believe, and what we value. And I say, when we take the positive and learn what we can from those choices; we can become better people, better Dominants and submissives. When we take responsibility for our actions and choices we are ultimately being true to ourselves, to whom we are and to what we believe and value.

There is so much that we share and discuss in our community. It is only a matter of striving to be self-aware and honest and taking responsibility to ensure we are doing our part to meet our needs, corporately and individually. I think it's cliché to make excuses for bad behavior and bad choices and those clichés are the enemies of quality of life and quality of relationship. It is one of the most difficult things in the world to need to explain and be understood. One of the best lessons I've learned through 'bad' choices is to own my own stuff! Doing so sets me free to continue along this journey uninhibited.

My Sub Stance: My needs can guide me to being my best!

Sunday, May 15, 2011


"You klutzy idiot! cant you hold on to anything?"
"I cant believe you forgot that you brainless twit!"
"You ASS! Its right there under your nose! Any bigger and it would have bit your stupid ass!"

Chances are if you are reading this blog, that you are a pretty well educated person. And chances are, too, that you already have these words pegged as the work of a verbal abuser. But they are only words, right? Yes they are only words. Usually words from someone we should reasonably be able to trust such as a close friend, love, family member. Someone who should be supportive of us. Someone we naturally want to please, D/s aside. So when they are spoken by this abuser, the damage emotionally is devastating. But you already knew that right?
What is the extra damage caused when the victim is a submissive and the abuser is the Dominant? Yes i know, some folks have a fetish for humiliation. That is something they enjoy and find arousing. But for a submissive who does not have such a fetish, these words can tear out the submissive heart.
What is at the heart of a true submissive? --The driving desire to please the Dominant. That all the submissive does is to bring the Dominant joy. From the Dominant's joy and pleasure comes the submissives joy and sense of worth.
Translation: When a "Dominant" calls the submissive names, the message sent to that submissive is that they are not only NOT pleasing but most likely never will be. It destroys the submissives self esteem through humiliation AND sense of entire purpose for existing.

People who engage in this sort of behavior are not Dominants. Attempting to be superior to others, over inflated ego, laziness, self indulgence, manipulation, dishonesty, and intimidation should NEVER be confused as Dominance. A self absorbed tyrant, perhaps. Attempting to hide their own insecurities and failure rather than improve, definitely. But not Dominant. The only real control this type of person has is to bully the submissive into staying by destroying his or her self worth. That way the sub can not see how truly worthless this "dominant" is.

So why did i call this entry "Ene (me)"? ..Because sometimes the one abusing the submissive is them self. The cruel remarks i started this all with are not from some rotten "domwannabie" ...but from my own mouth. Chastising degrading assaults i launched against myself for the basic fumbles and goofs that all human beings make. Keep in mind that i am a natural klutz. And i am not (at least this time) saying that in a bad way. Just honest. I am the one who falls UP stairs, walks into walls, and manages to forget what i am doing halfway across a room. And i know i am not the only one. Everyone pinches their fingers in the cabinet door at some point. And no one with any shred of dignity would tease, much less chastise someone for these things.

But when i do them, i embarrass myself. Then i get flustered and angry at myself for being so clumsy. The verbal attack flows out of my mouth without my even realizing it most of the time. After much thought and exploration, i have pinned this behavior to a few possible moments in life that hurt badly. Likely it is a combination of all of them. But i wont go into detail here because that is not the point. The point is, those past events and words affect how i treat myself now. At one point i made a fumble and was humiliated. Words were launched at me and now i throw them at myself every time i feel that humiliation. Humans are an odd species, what can i say.

Truthfully half the time i am not even aware i am doing it. There are few moments in time when it was pointed out and i always found it to be actually rather funny. Master, however, saw nothing funny about it. And one day He made very clear that He wanted never to hear me talk to myself that way again. It was a habit He intended to break me of come hell or high water.
I was a bit surprised at His anger. As i said, most of the time i am not aware i am even doing it. I drop something and the next word out of my mouth is "you ass". It is as natural as breathing so He most likely heard it much more than i realize. But it wasn't until He pointed out how it made HIM feel, that i took the time to really think about it. And i think i am finally understanding.

Master is the greatest thing to ever happen to me bar none. At no time have i felt so loved and cared for, so safe and able to be just me with anyone like i do with Him. So i put myself in His shoes for a moment.I tried to imagine Him talking to Himself in the rotten way i do to myself. It wasn't a pleasant thought. If anyone else had spoken to Him like that in front of me, i would have launched into them like a rabid pit bull. But if the one you love is the one doing the attacking...what can you do? And as a Dominant, isn't the first thought "what am I doing wrong that my submissive thinks so badly of them self?"

As my Master, He made very clear what was to be done. I was told to QUIT IT. Now every time i start to launch into myself, He has only to say my name in that stern, hard note and when i look up...i see His anger. His disappointment. The words die on my lips. At first i had the obvious reaction..i had disappointed Him and was angry with myself for that. It took a while to finally realize the ultimate truth. He wasn't disappointed in ME. He was disappointed at the words being thrown at me because He loves me. And that has made all the difference.
He loves me and puts me in a place above where i put myself. Watching me verbally degrade myself is hurtful to Him.

There has been a lot of talk and discussion lately about self esteem and how important it is in making good, safe decisions in the lifestyle. Over the years i have learned this is very true whether you are Dominant or submissive. The better you feel about yourself, the better and more cautious your choices will be. I wrote earlier a blog about "The Toothbrush and the Ticket" and explained how a submissive's value of them self determines the value of their gift of submission. Value yourself and the gift you give has value too. But self abuse is slightly different.

We tend to be our own worst enemy and critic. What we see as a blaring obvious mistake or fault is probably not noticed by anyone else. And chances are if it were someone else who made the mistake you would not have noticed it yourself. But submissives especially put themselves under a microscope. At times we try so hard to be pleasing that the slightest misstep makes us cringe. Especially if someone in the past humiliated us for them. The trouble with this behavior is that it is self defeating. The more we try to be perfect the more we see imperfection. The only end to this is self loathing because we can't be what we think we should be. We can't imagine how a Dominant could love such a flawed submissive.

What about Dominants? Do They have this issue too? Some very much do. These Dominants beat themselves up for issues over which they have no control. The tend to feel weak and useless as Dominants because they can't control some things. The self degrading words above are just as likely to fall out of Their mouth as a submissive's. Depending on the Dominant, the tirade will be launched at Themselves or possibly at the owned submissive.
It is an unfortunate fact that an insecure Dominant with no ability to take responsibility for action, will transfer that self loathing onto the head of the submissive. Thus the submissive unlucky enough to be collared by this type of Dominant is punished for the Dominant's lack of self worth. In example; Dominant feels worthless because they don't have a job but rather than admit that to them self, rather than get up and go find work...they attack their submissive for not having a good enough job (or outfit or whatever).

A true Dominant would acknowledge Their own problem and take action to fix it. For the good Dominants of the world, however, it can be a hard place to be if the issue is one they can't control. For instance if a loved one becomes sick, the Dominant may feel weak and helpless..not something a Dominant likes to feel. That feeling of weakness may cause the Dominant a great deal of stress and even cause Them to question Their Dominance. Thus they begin to micro analyze Their every move just as a submissive would.

And it isn't just in the D/s world that this has an effect. Ever meet someone with such low self esteem that they settle for a mate that treats them like dirt? They feel they are not worthy of being treated any better. Been there, done that. Now that i have a Dominant who sees me as worthy, it can almost be terrifying. In the beginning i often wondered what stupid mistake i would make that would give Master second thoughts.

 Master sees me as a being of value and beauty. He tells me so every day. By trying to get rid of my self degrading remarks, maybe i will be able to see and accept what He sees in me. At the very least, i will stop putting Him in the situation of having to witness my own abuse and making Him feel helpless to stop it. Like smoking, it aint easy to give it up now that it is such a natural part of my day. Fortunately i am not the only one in the world that has this problem.

At Solace Academy, W/we have opened a new group called Sub-Mission. This group is focused on submissives and addresses their challenges, helps create a support group among them, and helps them focus on their individual goals. They recently had a meeting and self esteem was the main topic. My collar sis, Alisha, attended too. She offered a "dare"...a tool she used at the lowest point of her help her push forward. I will post it here for anyone not in SL or in O/our groups. Believe me when i say sis is an angel :) (even though she wont believe me lol)

I dare you for the next 6 weeks to do two things.
1) write down 5 good thing that happened to you today
a) I got a wonderful comment from my master
b) it was sunny out today
c) I heard a great joke today
d) someone complimented me today
e) I had a really good sleep today

2) look in the mirror and write down five good things about  yourself
a) I love my eyes
b) I am a good friend
c) I love my new nail polish
d) I like my new hair cut
e) I am trust worthy
add these to your daily journal or such... make it so you write it down daily so when you have a bad day it can help pick you back up

My final sub-stance ; no one is perfect. Perfection in a human is an oxymoron. We were made to make mistakes and at times life is life. There is no fixing some things no matter what we do. Rather than beat ourselves up, degrade ourselves in front of others, and treat ourselves in ways we would never DREAM of treating another human being maybe we can learn to like what we see in the mirror.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Compersion...The "anti" jealousy

If I had to pick the most popular topic I am asked about, it would have to be " How and why are you successful in a healthy and happy poly amorous household?"

I can tell you that this question comes from those from the BDSM lifestyle MORE then it comes from the vanilla world. (at least when I am asked anyway) Because it is something that is intriguing within our lifestyle. Is it something that is unusual? No, in fact it is more the rule than the exception as there are more poly households within our lifestyle than mono. The question was, however, " How is it successful?"....Hmmm....That tells me that even though our lifestyle is about acceptance and focusing on our true inner strengths, it is still a struggle in many households.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have some "magical" gift of knowing how to build a healthy household. In fact, ours was one that took a LONG time to build and a lot of growth, patience, and education. I am not sure I can sit here and give you a road map to success, but if I had to break it all down to one word? That word would be "compersion"

Ahhhhh.....I see everyone is about to google that word.....Well....Let me make it easy for you and I will paste the definition:

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

To put it into D/s..M/s terms:   Happiness and Joy is experienced when a submissive/slave sees their Dominant experiencing joy and happiness through another. One thing I can say that exists in my household is pure compersion. Is that the reason for the success? No, not on its own, but one thing is for certain, we would not be a family if compersion was not present. My girls understand that I have an instinctive need to care for others. This is not a sexual thing and certainly not an ego trip for me. As a Dominant, caring for, protecting, advising, nurturing, and directing is as natural to me as walking and talking. It is part of who I am and always will be. That being said, they find true joy when they see the happiness that they provide for me individually. This is not a competition, it is an acceptance of our core values as a family. That includes those I advice, coach, and mentor "outside" of our family as well.

Now, here is a question that may raise an eyebrow...." Can you teach compersion?" ...Hmmm... I am here to tell you that I did not teach my girls compersion. That is something they felt naturally long before meeting me and it is deep rooted within their submission. That is in fact the "gift" that is offered by a sub/slave. It CANNOT be ordered, commanded, or expected by a Dominant. It also cannot be used as an excuse for a Dominant to engage in reckless behavior, then in turn expect that "compersion" should exist and therefore there is no need for communication.

This is why it is imperative that you focus on alignment at the onset of the relationship. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.

If you are a sub/slave and find it difficult to find happiness from your Dominant sharing his/her time with others, I encourage you to take this article to heart. Why? because the moment that your happiness comes before your Dominants, you cease to be submissive. Now, as I said earlier, as Dominants we cannot engage in reckless behavior and hide behind the compersion expectation. We serve our households as well and we are committed to care for their needs. So, if you have a slave/sub who shows true compersion, don't be a fool and make unilateral decisions and expect perfect obedience in return.

Build with quality and be willing to take months or even years to make sure your household is happy and healthy before moving into a poly environment. If you show up one day with a new sub/slave and introduce them to your household and say" Meet you new sister/brother!" and expect that natural compersion will fix everything. I am here to tell you that you will fail miserably.

If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for! Both of my girls are wonderful women. Many of you know them and see them as healthy, intelligent, happy, secure and articulate, and you would be correct in that they are! But, they had to have faith in me as their Master and once they had that they were able to show their amazing qualities and connect with each other. Their connection to me brings them the compersion we are talking about, but more importantly their connection with each other as siblings makes it "unshakable".

In closing, compersion is the true heart of the gift of submission, but it is a quality that is earned by the Dominant. It is not something that can be expected to cure every issue within the family, but it must exist if the family is going to be healthy and happy. Trust and personal connections are essential between siblings within the home. Once this quality is achieved it become a source of strength within the family and it serves as a force to protect against toxic mindsets.