Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Control Conundrum

There has been a topic floating around my cluttered and fried brain lately. It's really made me think and reflect and, to be honest, doubt myself. I've known Master for a few years - we've always been close and shared pretty much everything which is why wearing his collar feels natural. I'm slowly learning he won't judge me for my needs or desires, that he actually wants to hear them. As we've started this relationship, we've just begun to learn so much more about each other and about ourselves. It's normal for things to change. Then again, "normal" is overrated. So begins my struggle to accept my "abnormal" need for intense exertion of control.

It's called different things. Strict. Structured. Yanking the chain. Being more Dominant than one typically is. It's actually very difficult for me to call it anything. It's more a feeling then something I can put a name to; a feeling that literally makes my knees go weak and my skin tingle. Yes, please! May I have some more? Okay, okay, yes there is too much of a good thing and I can easily say I don't think I'd be able to function well myself with such a high level of control from my Master constantly. But that doesn't mean I don't crave it. It's those times, when I feel like I need more and have to express that to my Master that I seriously question myself. I don't understand the why behind this need. There's a certain level of guilt behind it too. It's not coming from a place of not having my needs met, and I would never want my Master to feel that that is where these feelings are being generated from.

It's frustrating not knowing what drives the occasional longing. It's almost like another part of me, the part of me that contains my brattiness (holds it in really) just gets the urge to let go and let that part of me free. Half of me wants to be snarky and laugh and poke him and the other half wants so badly to kneel before him and give myself over so completely that it hurts; to say do with me what you will, I am yours.

This isn't the first relationship I've experienced this in, so when I do struggle with this feeling I wonder what it is about me that drives this. What am I doing that causes this to happen? I wouldn't call it an unpleasant feeling, but some of the things that come along with it are frustrating. I try to analyze what it is about control that makes me feel this way. I know that I love being controlled, I love it when Master specifically exerts his control over me. There's a glorious tension that results, a feeling of pride, and the warmth of his love. I guess I don't understand why I like it quite so much. Every submissive is different. I've seen some who do quite well with only basic expectations and rituals and a request here or there. I've seen others who have far more going on then I do. My need for control comes, in my opinion, comes from a place of feeling out of control with much of what's going on in my life. Work is stressful and often makes me want to rip my hair out. I've been forced to take care of a joint issue and give up my running until healed which is another layer of stress and completely out of my control. So perhaps this feeling is a want to reaffirm that there is control somewhere in my life and Master has it. Deep down, I always know he has it, but for him to make me feel it to such a degree is another thing.

This is one of those things I have no answer to, and I suspect Master would say it'll become clearer as we continue to grow with our relationship. And I suspect it will. I still feel obligated to tell Master when I'm having these, as one of my favorite books so aptly put it, "conquer me" moments. It's not something to ignore, nor can we (I've tried it and it's not pretty.) I'm beginning to see it as another, very very large, step in my growth and evolution as a submissive. I'm lucky my Master is such a patient man. I'm still waiting for some of that to rub off on me.