Monday, January 31, 2011

Some C&A (Clarification and Advice)

Well about a week ago i wrote a blog about goals and goal setting. Since then it has become a bit of hotbed with submissives at the castle and in many open forums complaining about their Dominants about not being challenged enough. I'm not going to sit here and say that i am so special my blog caused this. I am sure its been in the brew for a while. BUT if anyone has a mind to point to my blog and say "see she said so too"...well i want to clarify myself a tad.

First, my apologies to the Dominants if any thought i was taking aim at Them. The purpose of the blog was to give any Dominant or submissive looking to understand the point of goal setting from a submissives viewpoint. What or how a Dominant chooses to challenge His or Her submissive is THEIR business and THEIR choice.
Submissives: Take note above and please understand i did not write that last blog to imply that submissives have the right to demand ANYTHING from their Dominant. Ever. What your Dominant chooses is what goes. Period.

So there is the clarification and that does bring us to the advice part. Submissives this is for you. Dominants if you do read the rest of this,  i do recommend reading Master Mikhail Borgins posting "Our Submissive's Development: Does Our Job Stop After the Collaring?" for a Dominant's perspective.

Ok! So you are a collared submissive and lately you have begun to feel..unhappy. Your Dominant doesn't seem to give you much to do to improve yourself or challenge you. Maybe even spends a lot of time with a sibling that seems to be a hand full and a half. As a submissive myself believe me i do understand that feeling of uselessness. Of being detached from the Dominant and feeling lonely, frustrated, and even unwanted. Be assured you are not the only one to ever have felt this. Be assured as well that you are human and are entitled to your feelings, collar or not. As i teach in my classes the first thing any relationship needs is communication. You need to tell your Dominant how you feel. Unfortunatly some stop listening at this point. PLEASE keep reading!!
Communication is the key, yes! BUT HOW we communicate with our Dominants is the difference between getting a problem solved and creating hell on earth with Them. You want to express to your Dominant that you feel unchallenged and unfulfilled. There are three very bad ways of doing this and one very good way (please note i did NOT say "right" way...there may be other "right" ways but this seems to have worked the best for me so far). I'll start with the "bad ideas."

1) You enter the room and tell your Dominant point blank: I feel unhappy. I want more control from you.
Problem?...You just put YOUR wants and needs and happiness ahead of your Dominant. The ultimate goal and happiness for the submissive is supposed to be serving and pleasing the DOMINANT.
It is possible that your Dominant is VERY happy and pleased with your service and did not see any need to change what is. My sisters and brothers in service this is a COMPLIMENT! At the very least be grateful for it. It means that your Dominant has utmost faith in you, is completely happy with you and you have attained the highest honor of a submissive. Yes i understand it doesn't solve the underlying problem. But i see far too many submissives with great relationships throw everything away because they became more concerned with themselves rather than being grateful for what they had with their Dominant. Gratitude comes in short supply these days. And if you truly are submissive to your Dominant, by He or She telling you They are happy with you should bring you ultimate joy. Submit because you WANT to PLEASE...not jus caus ya like the collar thing.

2) You kneel before your Dominant and say "Master/Mistress You need to control me more. You need to give me more direction. You have to be more firm with me".
Okay whoah nelly. Who exactly runs this outfit anyway? By saying these things you just topped from the bottom. You just told your Dominant how to serve YOU! Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound that way but i GUARANTEE that is exactly what they heard and perceived. Remember it is all about perception. Any time you use the words "you need" and "you have to" are telling someone what to do even if the person you are talking to is your best friend or bus driver. So it is absolutely certain that your Dominant will not hear that with any kindness. You don't get to tell your Dominant how to run His or Her household or how to take care of His or Her submissives and that DOES include YOU.

3) You head to the nearest D/s gathering hotspot or open forum and begin spilling your guts. You want advice so you waltz in wearing your collar and your Dominants name and start telling the world how miserable you are, how your Dominant is no help to you, and how do i lose this collar??.
Of all the ways to be irritating and irresponsible....this one irks me the MOST.

For one're an owned submissive wearing your Dominants name. You just trashed your Dominant in front of the world. You humiliated and disrespected your Dominant in open public. You probably wont have any collar by the next day for sure. Not to mention that a whole bunch of your Dominants friends (who might have been your friends too..and maybe siblings) just lost any respect they may have had for you.
Secondly, you have painted yourself as a drama queen. You aired dirty laundry that no one else needed to hear. Situations only you and your Dominant needed to discuss. If you have siblings i bet they are squirming right now and wondering how much else you threw out into public knowledge. Trust is a very very delicate thing. Its hard to earn, harder to keep, and impossible to fully regain once you screw it up. Mistakes are one thing but intentionally betraying your family and Dominant is inexcusable.
Finally, you also have put anyone in earshot in a bad spot. Any one in the lifestyle,whether they are siblings, part of the household friends, or absolute strangers; by basic code of conduct are expected to report you and any bad behavior to the Dominant. They may not want to really...may not want to be in any way involved. But YOU just put them into that position. In order to show your Dominant the respect YOU didn't show, they have to report you to your Dominant. Just what exactly do you expect to get out of this other than left on the side of the road? Personal business with your Dominant goes ONLY TO YOUR DOMINANT.

So what is the one way i know of that you can talk to your Dominant about your feelings?..First ASK if you can talk to your Dominant about them. Its very possible at that moment they are having their own crisis and cant be there to really listen. Any attempt you make to throw it at them could end up in a fight or worse. Ask to talk to them about how you are feeling and wait for them to say yes. Then when you do talk to them...don't put yourself first in the list of wants or needs. Tell them you feel you are not doing enough for THEM. Tell them you are afraid you are not serving THEM to the best of your abilities. Then if they are kind enough to ask what you might like them to do about it, ask if it would be alright to suggest some new goals or challenges. The point is to make sure that at all times you respect your Dominant, make sure that THEY are the one making the final decisions, and you are not putting your foot in your mouth.

OK! So you did all this. You still have your collar, you were totally respectful many times, and still nothing got done. Either your Dominant came right out and told you They didn't want to make any changes or they seem to be "forgetting" to get around to it (which pretty much means the same thing...its not changing) . Now what? Where do i go for support and advice? How do i deal with this?
You didn't need a whole lot of support and advice when you took that collar. In fact i am pretty sure a few people advised you against it but you did it anyway. The only one who made the decision to be in the relationship is you. The only one you should be looking to get you out of you. I have heard the argument that a submissive may not be happy but "in love". No you re not. Being IN LOVE means you see that person in the ultimate wonderful light. You accept everything about them ..good and beautiful and wonderful. Clearly if that is not how you feel about the relationship then that is not how you feel about them. But sometimes old habits die hard. Like it or not, if you are not able to find joy in your submission and your Dominant is not helping to achieve that goal then you are in the wrong house. Yes it hurts...especially when we care about others and don't want to hurt them. So don't hurt them.
Don't go from sim to sim telling everyone how you just dumped your Dom. Don't, in fact, tell anyone. Don't tell your Dominant it was all their fault either. Let them know you care but just don't feel that you are being honest in your submission to them and unaccomplished as a submissive. There is no blame to lay here. Pointing fingers at this point about how or why it didn't work is useless and only serves to hurt others. Just lift your chin, softly apologize to them for any hurt, thank them for all of their kindness and time...and walk away like an adult.
Sobbing about it, involving others, and pointing fingers isn't going to solve the problem. Being a mature, responsible adult, taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships, and making a decision like a grown up...This shows grace. This shows poise and dignity. This is how mature adults make a decision that a relationship wont work and end it. No drama, no name calling, no high school BS. Be adult and make a choice. Stay because you find life without them unbearable or go to find the challenge you crave.
And if you choose to stay...Be happy and grateful in your submission. Clearly you and your Dominant have a loving and caring relationship. Challenge yourself. I am pretty sure most true Dominants would not keep you from deciding to pick up a book on scripting or building or knitting for that matter. Choosing to learn a new skill is something most Dominants would be proud of. And never have treasure in this Dominant. This is someone who loves you and cares for you as you are...true unconditional love. There are literally thousands of submissives in the world who would cut off their left nipple with a safety pin just to spit on your Dominants shoes. But your Dominant chose you. And you built this wonderful thing.

My final sub-stance is this: Taking a collar is a mature adult decision. Being in a relationship at all is a mature, adult decision. Now that you are in it, you need to treat it with the same mature adult manor. Follow the basic code of conduct that is becoming of a submissive. Whether you go or stay, do so with grace and dignity. If you can't handle this lifestyle without having a personal pitty party and disrespecting your Dominant PLEASE go back to being vanilla. We don't need that here.

Monday, January 17, 2011


I am sitting at this computer typing away and trying to ignore the demon in my head whispering "you know you want one. You feel it. Look..your hands are shaking." I am in the third week of the monumental goal Master gave me to quit smoking.
I have been a smoker for twenty years. At one point I was smoking 3 packs of regular marbs a day. I am also a cancer survivor so smoking probably aint the best and smartest habit to have huh?! Master made it very clear He had no intention of losing me or sis to this habit and gave us both the goal of quitting this month. AND He knew that at best He would be unfair and unkind if He smoked in front of us. He quit with us even though as our Dominant He did not have to on any level.
W/we are rounding into week three and despite the demon in me coming out full force, Master has remained stalwart in His decision. I have ranted and raved, i have sobbed, whined, paced, exploded, imploded and just plain fallen apart. He has not budged.
So..What two EXTREMELY important things are being said about this goal?

1) This is a LIFE GOAL...not busy work. It is challenging me to end of my rope and beyond. Because i am working to please Master, giving up on the goal is not an option. Master knows how many times i have tried to quit for myself but just for me is not enough of a motivation to push past the pain. Not failing the Master i love IS. Disappointing Him is a greater fear and pain than i can honestly say i have been through even at the worst points of quiting smoking. In short, i would rather die of heart attack brought on by a massive melt down over quitting than look into Master's eyes and see an ounce of disappointment. This goal pushes me to my limit. As i said, its not busy work.
If Master had told me "Go organize the spice rack into alphabetical order" W/we both would have known just what was being said. I am an educated woman. Any idiot with a third grade education can organize a spice rack. Sure i would have done what He told me to do. But the whole time i would have known that the "goal", as it were, was nothing more than a pointless task to keep me out of His hair. There is no challenge in it for me. And since spices get used regularly and the organization would not last more than a day--reaching goal would hardly be worth any celebration. Which brings up the second most important point of real Life Goal:

2) Master Motivator. Master has been the greatest source of support through the entire process of reaching this goal. He did not have to have any involvement on any level. He could have said "Do it and call me when you're done in a month". Instead He has been beside me to calm frazzled nerves, dry my tears after full blown melt down, and tell me how proud He is at how much has already been achieved. All of this while quitting Himself. AND supporting sis through the same process. Not only has He been the ultimate REASON for quitting, but also the driving force behind the effort too. No matter how nasty and obnoxious i have gotten He has never wavered in His support and love for me.
Lets go back to the spice rack. How much support and love would i need to do that? And how important does that make me feel? ...Yup...ZIP.

So what is the point of all this? That a real GOAL is something that takes strength, courage, and trust. It takes a Dominant that actually CARES about the submissive enough to challenge her/him to change their LIFE for the better. But also a Dominant with the loyalty and love to help motivate and support that submissive through the process of achieving the goal. When the goal is complete, the Dominant will know how much the submissive worked to achieve it and celebrate with the submissive the joy of reaching that goal. And even more importantly, the bond between Dominant and submissive becomes a million times stronger. The Dominant knows the submissive will walk through fire for them...and the submissive knows the Dominant will lay down on the coals so they can walk through that fire.
Setting busy work for the submissive not only sends the message they are not worth the effort to motivate and encourage but that they are in the way and need to "kept occupied". It insults their intelligence and will ultimately lead to the submissive feeling unfulfilled. The submissive will eventually leave and try to find a Dominant that cares enough to really challenge them. And cares enough to really be there for support.

My final sub-stance: Submissives are not ornaments or house staff. They are a responsibility and a commitment. Just as they are committed to the Dominant. Giving them meaningless tasks to keep them busy is not only an insult to them, but also fails to give them a chance to prove themselves. A real goal has a real meaning. And while the Dominant can not help the submissive by doing the goal FOR them, a REAL Dominant will be there to give support and love as the goal is being reached.They look into the submissives eyes as the subs brow is furrowed in frustration, sweating in effort, face snarled and angry as they push through the pain to achieve the goal and whisper "I still love you and you are still MY submissive". It goes back to one of Master's favorite sayings:
If you cant handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Thank You Master, for loving me this much.