Alright, in my last post, round one of the cat fight, i talked about how a Dominant introducing a new submissive into the household has an effect on the current submissive. I explained how it can negatively affect that first submissive (and in turn the new one) if the new submissive is not introduced carefully. And i discussed how certain set ups can create competition between siblings and eventually lead to failure.
But now lets us be fair here. Ultimately the two people who are going to determine if the poly house succeeds or not are the siblings. And no matter how carefully and slowly the Dominant makes that transition, if the siblings wont bond they will eventually tear down the house. At the very least they will put the Dominant in the very uncomfortable position of having to send one away.
There goes the bell and here is round two!
Suzie subbie is mad. She passed annoyed and disgruntled and is now stewing like a pot of tomatoes. Master introduced Sally subbie as a friend and made it clear He would like the two subs to become sisters down the road. Now Master told Suzie in the PE He might consider a poly house in the future, but she didn't really believe He would want to. She was sure she could change His mind once she was collared. Yet here is Sally whom they met at the last lecture.
Yea yea so she is nice and the three of them did have a good time talking and all. But that is a big difference than actually having Sally sitting right there. Suzie heard that Sally was coming for a visit. That Master was talking with her and may give her a consideration collar down the road. He wants them to get to know each other and be friends. Suzie may sit there and paint a smile on her face but she is feeling jealous about this girls presence.
And Suzie stews. The steam rises as time goes but Suzie has a lid on it. She is going to keep that lid on tight till she blows sky high and takes the house down with her. In this scenario, Suzie made her mind up even before she had the collar actually on that she was in charge. She went into the collar believing that no matter what Dominant said at the PE, she would change His mind. She would mold Master to be what SHE wanted. So in truth she has never really submitted at all. A submissive gives themselves to the will of the Dominant. The moment we start to critique our Dominant and do our own "interior decorating" with them, try to make them change to suit US, we are taking away any submission and topping blatantly. And as W/we all know, there is only one D in the D/s relationship.
Now there are a few ways Suzie's story could turn out when that lid blows. She could put a sweet-as-peaches face on to Sally but complain about any detail she can find to Master. If Master calls her on it though, and reminds her that He did say He wanted poly AND that there can be no room for jealousy..well...
Suzie is not likely to take this well. In fact she could turn on her own Dominant if she doesn't get her way. In no time she could be going from sim to sim telling everyone in earshot how rotten He is and how awful Sally is too.
That's one way to bring down the house. Another would be if Suzie decided to plot against Sally. Arrange it so that Master's mind is changed. Maybe tell Him she has heard rumors about Sally. Or set Sally up somehow to look bad.
And how is poor Sally to take all this? Chances are, not real good. She is human and eventually will return fire. Or worse, she may take on a huge burden of guilt that she somehow is responsible for ruining the household. In this instance though Sally is innocent. Suzie alone is responsible for acting out of jealousy and trying to run the house. Suzie alone brought the house down with her own behavior. But it could be Sally carrying the guilt. And if Sally is new to the lifestyle, you can bet she wont be coming back any time soon.
Now lets look at another scenario. This time Suzie is the "good girl". She has openly and lovingly accepted Sally into the home and is working very hard to help Sally feel welcomed. The trouble is Sally isn't making it easy. In fact Sally would rather that Suzie just shut up and go away.
Now the fact is Sally does not owe Suzie any sort of bond. The bond she owes is to Master. And as long as she is serving Master, following the rules, and being respectful..she does not have to give Suzie the time of day.
So lets say that is the case. Sally literally ignores Suzie and makes it clear she is not there to be bothered with a sibling bond. It wont be long before Suzie's feelings are hurt by this cold "sibling". To make matters worse, if Master is spending extra time with Sally to help build the D/s bond, Suzie will most definitely feel as though she is becoming an outsider and possibly a throw away.
In this case the only thing Suzie can really do is talk to Master. With any luck, He will listen and watch to see how the siblings interact. Then, if the coldness is actually noted, He can take steps to solve the trouble. Of course if He chooses to ignore the problem...or worse, Suzie chooses to keep quiet...eventually Suzie is going to feel completely isolated from Master and her would-be sister. This feeling to a submissive can be devastating and Suzie's Master may very well walk in one day to find Suzie's collar on the floor with no Suzie in it.
Of course, if the feeling of isolation is because Suzie chose not to speak to Master, then by removing her collar she has disrespected it (and her vows to her Master) which makes the end result her own fault. She chose not to trust Master with her feelings. She chose not to share and communicate and acted in self interest alone. Sound harsh? Sometimes the truth does hurt.
Now lets try another attack! Sally has actually been fully collared and is in the home. Suzie has been gracious to her and even welcoming. When talking to Master Suzie appeared happy. They both do. But after a few shopping trips together the siblings find themselves often butting heads. They cant seem to agree on anything. Pretty soon they find it hard to be in the same room without arguing about something. If this sounds a hell of a lot like an RL sibling...trust me it is. I have three and we couldn't live under the same roof.
Its a personality thing. One is quiet and one is loud, one is clean and one is sloppy...you get the picture. Remember Oscar and Felix?
The problem is sooner or later the arguments between these two will spill out from private confrontation between just them and begin to take over the house. Master will be forced to listen to the bickering as will anyone else near by. The really BIG problem this can lead to is that usually when people argue like this, they tend not to listen to anything anyone else has to say. While they are shouting at each other, they are ignoring Master. If Master separates them, they may both take it personally and lash out at Him or throw little tantrums. In this case what is lacking is respect between the siblings and communication.
This issue CAN have a fairly happy ending but only if Master is able to find a way to get them to cooperate. Perhaps redirecting their attention to serving Him, or projects that force them to work together and help each other. Of course i did say "fairly" happy.
The Dominant may very well be able to regain control of the fighting but the tension will still be there. The siblings have to actually feel respect for each other on a genuine level.If they fake it and put on proper and polite face, the root problem is still there. The tension has not been addressed and is still building. The Dominant needs very much to find some common ground between them that Suzie and Sally can truly bond over. Otherwise sooner or later one of the siblings will snap and do the unthinkable; give the Dominant an ultimatum to pick a side.
Which brings us to the bitter end of it. The moment when a Dominant is faced with the fact that the siblings are never going to bond and He or She must choose which sibling to let go of. Keep in mind that, to a Dominant, each sibling is equal and loved the same. Letting go of one, having to tell that one "sorry but this will just not work", is a devastation to the Dominant.
I may be submissive but i can certainly see how this situation can leave even a Dominant feeling insecure and like a failure. It was Their decision after all. Even if They did everything right and did all They could, if They are forced to make a decision, They are very likely to question what They did wrong. And actually coming to that decision, presenting it to one of the submissives, well i honestly would not want to be in those shoes. And i REALLY would not want to be the one Dominant decided to release.
Fellow submissives this is a cruel and bad place to put your Dominant and yourself. First submissive needs to be aware that just because she or he is first does not necessarily mean you will be granted to stay. Having the title of "first" is not automatic immunity to bad behavior.The Dominant will be forced to look at the situation, weigh where the problem may lie, and release accordingly. If the issue is that first submissive is not accepting the idea of the poly house and trying to force the Dominant into a mono home, first submissive may find themselves walking. Especially if they were told at the PE that poly house would be a possibility or their behavior has been abusive to the Dominant and/or the sibling.
Keep in mind, too, that if the Dominant feels BOTH submissives have been disrespectful and that neither of them have considered their bond to Dominant, the Dominant may decide to clean house and start over from scratch. Both submissives out the door for disgracing the Dominant. After all, while you were fighting with your sibling, you were ignoring your Dominant. Or worse; treating Dominant like the prize at a mud wrestling challenge. Fighting with a sibling for the Dominant's attention is the same as fighting for ownership of Dominant. Just as a reminder; the submissive does NOT own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive. And can very easily DISown them too.
My final substance on the cat fight; everyone within the household must act responsibly and respectfully if the poly dynamic is to work. Whether it is Dominant or submissive, if any fail to act carefully or with regard to the O/others in the household it WILL fail. And ultimately we are all responsible for our actions. If we act out of jealousy, self indulgence, arrogance, competition, or just plain thoughtlessness for others, the only one who can be blamed is ourselves. Of course you are entitled to your feelings. We don't control those. But we can control our actions even when we feel someone has wronged us.
Submissive siblings CAN form an amazing bond. I have only to think of Alisha and know this is so. I can not describe how proud i am to be blessed with such a sister or my gratitude to Master for bringing her into the family. But this did not happen overnight. It took time, communication, patience, and a true openness for U/us all to bond as a family. It will continue to be this way so long as W/we are a family.
W/we are blessed, yes. But W/we also did the work to get here. My bond with sis is just as strong (if not stronger) as my bond with my blood siblings but if either of us had acted out of self interest this family would not be what it is.
So if a poly house is where you are headed, and you hope to have a tight bond....be ready. Be ready to take time and be open to each other. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. And be ready to put the happiness of your family members at the center of your own happiness. Should anything go wrong, be ready to act with dignity and respect. If you are submissive, remember your place both with your Dominant and with siblings. There can be no promise that the household will succeed. But it stands a much better chance if everyone in the house shares the common bond of caring.
Funny how that works...with any relationship.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Cat Fight!!! ..When Siblings Square off--Part 1 "Dominant's Role"
Whether its in world or in blog, most of my work is based on the dynamics of the poly/multi house. Perhaps this is because of all the topics involving the lifestyle, this is the one that is the most challenging. When you think about it, everything a submissive learns is needed when entering a poly household. Everything from being able to understand your own needs, to communication with your Dominant, building trust, and building respect..all of it is needed when entering poly. Why?
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
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