I know in past blogs i have taught about the art of happiness. And, as i said, the only person who can "make" you happy is yourself. If you are not willing to allow some ray of sunshine into your own world, then no one else can either. But a lot of the reason people end up in this position is because of past hurts. They become jaded and disillusioned with aspects of life. Rather than go through the pain again, they become bitter as a means of protecting themselves.
Lets us go on a little trip together and explore this jaded soul. Just how use full is being jaded really? As i mentioned, its a sort of self protective shell some people put around themselves. A bitter green skin that turns people away just to look at it. And some even wear it like a badge of honor. I have seen people approach others with almost the very first words from them being "I've been hurt before, so nice to meet you but how are you gonna try to kick me?"
That really helps make a warm and fuzzy conversation don't it?! That is JUST the kind of person i want to spend less than five seconds of my life around. So as a protective measure...while it may work..is altogether self destructive. A person who approaches new people, for any reason, with this sort of attitude will be an island all to themselves alright. The problem with it is that we are human. And humans, by basic nature, are social animals. In some form or another we CRAVE contact. Not talking sexual here. Just basic "hi how ya doin?" or "i gotta tell you what just happened to me today!" After a while even the jaded soul needs SOME one to talk to. But after spending so much time telling the world "i am miserable and don't want you around" ..guess what? Nobody IS around.
As i was spinning this thought around in my mind another thought came to me too. Aren't we punishing innocent people for our past if we live in jade world? Think of it this way; if a six foot man with blond hair and blue eyes commits murder, do we then go on the street and grab the first six foot blond man and throw him in jail? Of course not. There has to be proof that the person who is actually responsible is the one that gets punished. I'm not saying justice hasn't made a screw up or two and punished the wrong person. When that happens there is usually a public outcry. The message simply is that the person who committed the crime is the one that does the time.
Not so in the eyes of the jaded. In their mind EVERYONE is guilty and there is no innocent party. They punish everyone and hold everyone accountable for their pain. And while there may be someone who DID hurt them, that is not the fault of the rest of the world. Unfortunately these people also seem to have the opinion that not only is the rest of the world responsible, but anyone who tries to get close had better be ready to atone for the crime too.
So let me see if i got this right. I did not hurt you. in fact i have never met you. Now you hold me responsible for your pain AND if i want to know you on any level i have to pay for the pain you went through as though it were my fault. Gee look at the time! Sorry, gotta go!
These are the people that don't just look for verification that you wont harm them, they grill you over it. They fire questions like an AK 47 over your nose and if you show just a hint of hesitation...BLAM! Charged, Found Guilty, and Shot. When talking about the lifestyle, this sort of attitude is probably the most frustrating to me. I love answering questions and trying to help people understand some of the deeper aspects. It is challenging for new people. I understand that vanilla training makes it hard for them to wrap their mind around new concepts.
BUT..if you come to me with questions remember that you came to ME. I am not obligated to get down on bended knee and beg you to understand. I am also not going to give you answers you may agree with. That is ok. You don't have to understand or agree. But i am not a criminal for my beliefs. And nor is the lifestyle. If someone has been abused in the past and has trust issues, that is regrettable. But not the fault of those of us who live in the lifestyle. It also BEGS the question; if you have trust issues WHY would you want to look into a lifestyle that is BUILT on trust? The fact is, if you are looking for companionship it doesn't matter WHAT lifestyle you choose. YOU have the issue and YOU need to fix it. No one can do that for you. And no one can promise in ANY lifestyle that you wont get hurt again. Relationships don't come with guarantees. They are a leap of faith in trust. And people have a hard time hopping on broken legs.
So to the jaded souls of the world, my final Sub-Stance. I am sorry for you that you were hurt. There are a lot of reputable psychologists you can turn to in helping get past this. But i didn't cause your pain. I am not responsible for making it better or atoning for it. I will be happy to listen but i don't have the magic cure for you. All i have is what i believe in. And i honestly don't care if you accept it or not. I never said it was for you. You are the only one who can decide that. I live and believe in this lifestyle because it actually works for me. I teach it because some people want to learn about it, not grill and punish me for it. And if you have taken the time to hear the answers and still don't like them, that is your decision too. I hold no animosity toward you for not accepting it. But as momma taught me when i didn't like or want something ; just say no thank you and politely walk away. If you turn around, however, don't expect me to be on my knees begging your forvigness. I am innocent and have nothing to be sorry or ashamed of. That green stone prison...is your own creation. So only you have the key to getting out.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Loopholes And Other Loser Laps
Congress uses them, major corporations use them, tax evaders, lawyers, and many others make use of them. Loopholes. Those tiny little words (or lack of words) that allow these people to avoid certain situations and control others after a contract has been entered. And what else do all of these groups have in common? We tend, as a society, not to have a whole lot of trust in any of them. Loopholes are too often used so that these people can slither out from under obligation or take power that is not theirs to take. To be blunt, its legal cheating. And the way i was raised, if you got caught cheating in any way, you took a loser lap around the field.
In the lifestyle, the Power Exchange is the contract between the Dominant and submissive/slave. It stipulates clearly what each partner needs from the relationship, the limits they are willing or not willing to breach, and the vows of commitment to each other. The rules the submissive/slave will have to follow are clearly outlined and the submissive/slave's understanding and acceptance of them is given when they accept the collar. Hence the reason i stress VERY strongly to students to take time to KNOW the Dominant and what that Dominant expects.
But i am quickly finding that it is Dominants who also need to take time to read the fine print!...(or lack thereof).
When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of a submissive, They take on that persons life baggage. They understand (or should) what that submissive/slave needs in terms goals and what potential they have shown to reach those goals. I am going to use poly House as an example as it seems to be the biggest loop of all. If a Dominant wishes to some time down the road expand to poly, it is Their responsibility to express that in the PE. Not making this very important change down the road clear to the submissive/slave is, itself, a loophole because They can change the dynamic of the Household at will and still not break any part of the PE. But it can also set the Dominant up for a bad experience with a calculating sub/slave.
Lets say that Sally Subbie has been told CLEARLY by her potential Dominant that He very much wishes to move to a poly Household in the future. She is rather new to the lifestyle and is not sure she really wants to go down that road but does not wish to lose this collar. When the PE is set up she expresses that poly House is a soft limit (one she is not currently comfortable with but will be willing to try down the road). In His generosity, the Dominant agrees to put into the PE that poly House will be explored "when Sally has grown and is more comfortable with trying the Poly House". You could drive a truck through that loophole... and here is why: Sally now has a card she can play. Every time her Dom brings up the subject, she can simply reply that she isn't ready yet. And since there was no stipulation about time or the goals set to help her BE ready, she does not ever have to try. Sally ..take a lap.
My fellow servants in collar, this is an ugly trick to play on your Dominant. In essence, Sally agreed to move to poly on HER terms. And since she really had no intention of moving in that direction, her "terms" are actually never. There is nothing wrong with a submissive wishing to serve a mono Dominant. But there is a lot wrong with using a loophole to control a POLY Dom into bending to your will.
Dominants, this is why i strongly urge You to CLEARLY spell out exact time frames. Spell out for Sally exactly what goals and rules will be used to help her reach this level of change. And spell out the time that You are willing to give before You want to start the shift to poly. Otherwise You are going to be sitting on Your thumbs while Your sub/slave dictates to YOU how You are going to run Your house.
Expectation is another major loophole that subs/slaves seem to make regular use of and is usually not part of the PE. While the usual "expectation" of the relationship is mentioned (i.e. i expect to grow and learn as i serve You and expect to be cared about/for in return), there is a lot more that is NOT mentioned.
Lets go back to Sally. In this instance, Sally is the first collar the Dominant has but this time poly is reached. A new submissive is being added. What Sally did not mention in the PE (or to anyone else) is that since she was the first one collared, she EXPECTS to be given first rights to all things. This includes personal time and any decision made in any event of disagreement with the new submissive. Basically her mindset is "i was here first. The sib gets the seconds".
Now it is true that some Doms DO set up a stairway household. The first submissive/slave on the top and all others below that one. The others are to look up to that first and pretty much be subservient to that one as well as the Dom. Again, it is the Doms personal choice to set Their household up as they please and this may work for some. But for the Dominant that wants a strait line house..the submissives are all equal and focused strictly on the Dom..then i suggest to that Dominant they lay out a new PE for Sally. One that clearly explains to her that she is not above her new sibling in any way. And one that makes it also clear that the Dominant will decide what He/She gives and when. Lets check out what Sally might do otherwise!
Nancy Newsub is introduced to the household and eventually gains a collar. To the Dominant this means He has two subs of equal value. Each unique and each cherished EQUALLY. But to Sally, she was first. To Sally's mind, she is entitled to have first in all things over Nancy.
So one day Master has some extra time off to spend. He knows Sally is doing pretty well but Nancy needs some guidance. Suddenly Sally gets moody and contrary because Master is spending time with Nancy first instead of her. Yes there is definitely a jealousy issue in play here. But because there was never a guideline set for Sally that she is not "first in all things" or "better" than Nancy, Sally will throw a tantrum. In her mind she is justified. In reality she is trying to top her Dom with a false sense of entitlement. She has forgotten that it is the Dominant who decides and being first does not give her right to EXPECT that Dominant to do anything. She will get what her Dominant feels she needs. By taking the collar in the first place, Sally agreed to let her Dominant make that decision. Now she is trying to take power from the Dominant by telling Him when He is "allowed" to spend time with Nancy. Sally...take a lap.
And for some submissives/slaves, this concept of entitlement goes beyond the household. These are the ones who feel they are entitled to make judgements on people because of friendships, demands on groups because they have been there a while, and have the general belief that the world "owes" them respect. If that person HAD such respect, the moment they believe they are fully entitled to it from everyone, they lose that respect. Just because you are best friends with someone does not mean you have the right to demand personal information or expect them to give you intimate details. You will get what information they feel they WANT to share and nothing more (or status in a group, or time with your Dominant etc.). The world does not owe you a thing.
Ok..now i will throw down one more loophole i see often. In fact i tend to see this one used by the EXPERIENCED submissives most! Its the "Dom knows how i am" loophole. In this little game the submissive uses the excuse that since her/his Dom collared them, they should know the little behavior issues that come with the package. And while this is true to an extent, it is also the sub/slaves responsibility to make the effort to change. If the sub/slave is aware they tend to impolite or downright mean if they feel slighted, then THEY have to make the effort to show some self control. I am not talking about defending ones self against the idiots who make rude comments or gestures. By all means, defend yourself. BUT if you tend to get bent out of shape, for example, in a discussion when someone disagrees with your point of view..that is YOUR responsibility to control. Let me give an example to clarify.
This time Sally is at a meeting and the topic at the moment is one she is passionate about. She states her feelings on the topic but someone else respectfully expresses a different point of view. In response, Sally becomes belligerent. She attacks the other speaker and lets her temper get the better of her mouth. Later on that day she acknowledges to a friend that she got carried away and her Dom will probably hear about it but in her mind "He knows how i am though. Its no big deal."...SALLY....TAKE A LAP!
This is a subtle form of passive/aggressive topping. Just because your Dominant knows you and some of your negative attributes does not excuse you. I am Scotch/Irish, Italian, and German. You bet i have a temper and can fly off the handle without looking at the whole picture before responding. Its something i have always done. But not something that is going to reflect well on Master. I live with Master and yes He is very well aware of how i am. But it is MY responsibility to control that temper not His. Nor is He obligated to "deal with it" just because He collared me. I am the one obligated to learn some control BECAUSE He collared me and i respect that.
And while i agree that we should be loved unconditionally (Master has never stopped loving me because of this flaw), if we are aware of the flaw...then we should make the effort to address it. Not excuse it nor expect the Dominant to "deal with it". Even worse, i have heard subs outright tell the Dominant "you collared me. You know i am like this!" In essence, telling the Dom outright to "deal with it" rather than apologize for the action. Your actions and words are YOUR responsibility. YOU deal with it. Otherwise the message you are sending is that you put yourself above Them. Your behavior (and right to act out) is above the honor of the collar.
Now let me also point out something here; I have been criticized that i am trying to turn subs/slaves into "cookie cutter subbies". I am not telling anyone not to be themselves. I am stating that, as adults, our behavior is OUR responsibility. Being collared does not excuse that. In fact, it should make responsibility all the more important. Once you are collared you REPRESENT the Dominant. If being "yourself" means putting your behavior before the honor of the collar, then i suggest you are not ready for that responsibility that COMES with the honor.
My final Sub-Stance; Using loopholes to excuse behavior or get out of a Dominants decisions IS topping. Its also underhanded and crude. The collar represents (among other things) trust. Not just a submissives/slaves trust in the Dominant but also the Dominants trust in the one they collar. They are trusting you to represent Their name with honor. And they are trusting you to give the gift of submission fully, not whenever you feel like it. The PE is used to outline the limits of this exchange BEFORE the collar is given. Using it to subtly take away the Dominants power whenever we feel IS cheating the PE.
Once again, this is NOT vanilla. There is not "equality" in the relationship of D/s. There is a Dominant who owns the submissive. And a submissive who, by taking the collar, accepted this ownership. The word "submit" means to yield power and control to another. Period. Be smart, be proud, be outspoken (i certainly am!), but do it with HONOR for your Dominant. I am not perfect, but i am PROUD to be owned by such a wonderful Master. I want all i do and say to bring Him pride in owning me. And while i make plenty of mistakes, they are my mistakes and my responsibility to correct. If i disagree with Master, i may tell Him how i feel, but i accept that i am the one who is owned. His decision is final. If i attempt to use any other means to get what i want from Him then i fully expect Him to tell me...Take a lap!
In the lifestyle, the Power Exchange is the contract between the Dominant and submissive/slave. It stipulates clearly what each partner needs from the relationship, the limits they are willing or not willing to breach, and the vows of commitment to each other. The rules the submissive/slave will have to follow are clearly outlined and the submissive/slave's understanding and acceptance of them is given when they accept the collar. Hence the reason i stress VERY strongly to students to take time to KNOW the Dominant and what that Dominant expects.
But i am quickly finding that it is Dominants who also need to take time to read the fine print!...(or lack thereof).
When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of a submissive, They take on that persons life baggage. They understand (or should) what that submissive/slave needs in terms goals and what potential they have shown to reach those goals. I am going to use poly House as an example as it seems to be the biggest loop of all. If a Dominant wishes to some time down the road expand to poly, it is Their responsibility to express that in the PE. Not making this very important change down the road clear to the submissive/slave is, itself, a loophole because They can change the dynamic of the Household at will and still not break any part of the PE. But it can also set the Dominant up for a bad experience with a calculating sub/slave.
Lets say that Sally Subbie has been told CLEARLY by her potential Dominant that He very much wishes to move to a poly Household in the future. She is rather new to the lifestyle and is not sure she really wants to go down that road but does not wish to lose this collar. When the PE is set up she expresses that poly House is a soft limit (one she is not currently comfortable with but will be willing to try down the road). In His generosity, the Dominant agrees to put into the PE that poly House will be explored "when Sally has grown and is more comfortable with trying the Poly House". You could drive a truck through that loophole... and here is why: Sally now has a card she can play. Every time her Dom brings up the subject, she can simply reply that she isn't ready yet. And since there was no stipulation about time or the goals set to help her BE ready, she does not ever have to try. Sally ..take a lap.
My fellow servants in collar, this is an ugly trick to play on your Dominant. In essence, Sally agreed to move to poly on HER terms. And since she really had no intention of moving in that direction, her "terms" are actually never. There is nothing wrong with a submissive wishing to serve a mono Dominant. But there is a lot wrong with using a loophole to control a POLY Dom into bending to your will.
Dominants, this is why i strongly urge You to CLEARLY spell out exact time frames. Spell out for Sally exactly what goals and rules will be used to help her reach this level of change. And spell out the time that You are willing to give before You want to start the shift to poly. Otherwise You are going to be sitting on Your thumbs while Your sub/slave dictates to YOU how You are going to run Your house.
Expectation is another major loophole that subs/slaves seem to make regular use of and is usually not part of the PE. While the usual "expectation" of the relationship is mentioned (i.e. i expect to grow and learn as i serve You and expect to be cared about/for in return), there is a lot more that is NOT mentioned.
Lets go back to Sally. In this instance, Sally is the first collar the Dominant has but this time poly is reached. A new submissive is being added. What Sally did not mention in the PE (or to anyone else) is that since she was the first one collared, she EXPECTS to be given first rights to all things. This includes personal time and any decision made in any event of disagreement with the new submissive. Basically her mindset is "i was here first. The sib gets the seconds".
Now it is true that some Doms DO set up a stairway household. The first submissive/slave on the top and all others below that one. The others are to look up to that first and pretty much be subservient to that one as well as the Dom. Again, it is the Doms personal choice to set Their household up as they please and this may work for some. But for the Dominant that wants a strait line house..the submissives are all equal and focused strictly on the Dom..then i suggest to that Dominant they lay out a new PE for Sally. One that clearly explains to her that she is not above her new sibling in any way. And one that makes it also clear that the Dominant will decide what He/She gives and when. Lets check out what Sally might do otherwise!
Nancy Newsub is introduced to the household and eventually gains a collar. To the Dominant this means He has two subs of equal value. Each unique and each cherished EQUALLY. But to Sally, she was first. To Sally's mind, she is entitled to have first in all things over Nancy.
So one day Master has some extra time off to spend. He knows Sally is doing pretty well but Nancy needs some guidance. Suddenly Sally gets moody and contrary because Master is spending time with Nancy first instead of her. Yes there is definitely a jealousy issue in play here. But because there was never a guideline set for Sally that she is not "first in all things" or "better" than Nancy, Sally will throw a tantrum. In her mind she is justified. In reality she is trying to top her Dom with a false sense of entitlement. She has forgotten that it is the Dominant who decides and being first does not give her right to EXPECT that Dominant to do anything. She will get what her Dominant feels she needs. By taking the collar in the first place, Sally agreed to let her Dominant make that decision. Now she is trying to take power from the Dominant by telling Him when He is "allowed" to spend time with Nancy. Sally...take a lap.
And for some submissives/slaves, this concept of entitlement goes beyond the household. These are the ones who feel they are entitled to make judgements on people because of friendships, demands on groups because they have been there a while, and have the general belief that the world "owes" them respect. If that person HAD such respect, the moment they believe they are fully entitled to it from everyone, they lose that respect. Just because you are best friends with someone does not mean you have the right to demand personal information or expect them to give you intimate details. You will get what information they feel they WANT to share and nothing more (or status in a group, or time with your Dominant etc.). The world does not owe you a thing.
Ok..now i will throw down one more loophole i see often. In fact i tend to see this one used by the EXPERIENCED submissives most! Its the "Dom knows how i am" loophole. In this little game the submissive uses the excuse that since her/his Dom collared them, they should know the little behavior issues that come with the package. And while this is true to an extent, it is also the sub/slaves responsibility to make the effort to change. If the sub/slave is aware they tend to impolite or downright mean if they feel slighted, then THEY have to make the effort to show some self control. I am not talking about defending ones self against the idiots who make rude comments or gestures. By all means, defend yourself. BUT if you tend to get bent out of shape, for example, in a discussion when someone disagrees with your point of view..that is YOUR responsibility to control. Let me give an example to clarify.
This time Sally is at a meeting and the topic at the moment is one she is passionate about. She states her feelings on the topic but someone else respectfully expresses a different point of view. In response, Sally becomes belligerent. She attacks the other speaker and lets her temper get the better of her mouth. Later on that day she acknowledges to a friend that she got carried away and her Dom will probably hear about it but in her mind "He knows how i am though. Its no big deal."...SALLY....TAKE A LAP!
This is a subtle form of passive/aggressive topping. Just because your Dominant knows you and some of your negative attributes does not excuse you. I am Scotch/Irish, Italian, and German. You bet i have a temper and can fly off the handle without looking at the whole picture before responding. Its something i have always done. But not something that is going to reflect well on Master. I live with Master and yes He is very well aware of how i am. But it is MY responsibility to control that temper not His. Nor is He obligated to "deal with it" just because He collared me. I am the one obligated to learn some control BECAUSE He collared me and i respect that.
And while i agree that we should be loved unconditionally (Master has never stopped loving me because of this flaw), if we are aware of the flaw...then we should make the effort to address it. Not excuse it nor expect the Dominant to "deal with it". Even worse, i have heard subs outright tell the Dominant "you collared me. You know i am like this!" In essence, telling the Dom outright to "deal with it" rather than apologize for the action. Your actions and words are YOUR responsibility. YOU deal with it. Otherwise the message you are sending is that you put yourself above Them. Your behavior (and right to act out) is above the honor of the collar.
Now let me also point out something here; I have been criticized that i am trying to turn subs/slaves into "cookie cutter subbies". I am not telling anyone not to be themselves. I am stating that, as adults, our behavior is OUR responsibility. Being collared does not excuse that. In fact, it should make responsibility all the more important. Once you are collared you REPRESENT the Dominant. If being "yourself" means putting your behavior before the honor of the collar, then i suggest you are not ready for that responsibility that COMES with the honor.
My final Sub-Stance; Using loopholes to excuse behavior or get out of a Dominants decisions IS topping. Its also underhanded and crude. The collar represents (among other things) trust. Not just a submissives/slaves trust in the Dominant but also the Dominants trust in the one they collar. They are trusting you to represent Their name with honor. And they are trusting you to give the gift of submission fully, not whenever you feel like it. The PE is used to outline the limits of this exchange BEFORE the collar is given. Using it to subtly take away the Dominants power whenever we feel IS cheating the PE.
Once again, this is NOT vanilla. There is not "equality" in the relationship of D/s. There is a Dominant who owns the submissive. And a submissive who, by taking the collar, accepted this ownership. The word "submit" means to yield power and control to another. Period. Be smart, be proud, be outspoken (i certainly am!), but do it with HONOR for your Dominant. I am not perfect, but i am PROUD to be owned by such a wonderful Master. I want all i do and say to bring Him pride in owning me. And while i make plenty of mistakes, they are my mistakes and my responsibility to correct. If i disagree with Master, i may tell Him how i feel, but i accept that i am the one who is owned. His decision is final. If i attempt to use any other means to get what i want from Him then i fully expect Him to tell me...Take a lap!
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