Topping from the Bottom... right? Maybe Not

This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, mainly because it's something I've been accused of in the past. At the time of said accusation, I believed it. I believed I was being a “bad submissive” and trying to yank away my Master's control. Which in turn sent me into a downward spiral. As a submissive needing from the deepest part of me, to yield my heart and soul to my Master, WHY would I want to take that control away? Why would I go against my instinct to submit everything to him? Ultimately, that relationship failed and I was left with that burning question. Was I truly a submissive?

Master and I have been doing a bit of reading together. We started with a book on the lifestyle from a Dominant's perspective. And then he gave me the task of finding a similar book from the submissive's perspective. It took me a bit longer to find one that covered the same things, but I did and to say we're both getting a lot from this would be an understatement. Sometimes you need someone else to put an idea into words before you can recognize it within yourself. I told Master that every time I came across a passage or sentence that I wanted to share with him, I would highlight it later for reference. Little did I know that most of the book would become bright yellow.

This book covers topping from the bottom in a few sections, and every time I've come across it, it's been like an “aha!” moment for me. It's helped me answer that question – why a truly submissive woman would want to take back the control she craves to put in the hands of her Dominant.

I guess I should preface this part by saying that I do believe there are different types of topping from the bottom. It's NOT that black and white and can most definitely be a sense of turmoil for both a Dominant and submissive. First, we should look at the bare bones of the D/s relationship. The submissive hands over the control to the Dominant who in turn takes the control and “actively dominates” just as she “actively submits.” Active dominance can mean something different for everyone as each relationship is unique. For me, it means Master is as active in the relationship and in maintaining it as I am. The mentality that now he has my submission he can sit back and passively “let me submit” doesn't exist. In the same respect, I actively submit to my Master. I make a conscious effort to fill his needs, meet his expectations and listen to him talk to himself as he builds (a habit I've begun to pick up on.) The balance of the control is always moving and shifting depending on the situation. It's when one party continuously puts in more than he or she is getting, an uncomfortable and unhealthy imbalance forms which can result in behavioral changes by either person.

I recognize my stubbornness (and thankfully that's a challenge Master has embraced) and there have definitely been times when all I want to do is stomp my foot and say “REALLY?!” But I don't because I know that's a line I shouldn't even think about crossing. While I may have doubted my submission at one point, my journey to my collar with Master has reaffirmed the deep submission that I know I couldn't force myself to have. So how could I be accused of topping from the bottom?

I knew I had been giving myself over to him completely in my previous relationship, but my needs were not being met in return. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I withdrew (seen as topping from the bottom by isolation), I tried to express my concerns (seen as topping from the bottom by demanding things), I tried to be the perfect slave and failed every time. I needed him to “conquer me” (a term I've picked up from the book and LOVE) in some way that said “I am your Dominant.” Conquer me is almost like an internal need for a show of strength. It's not saying to a dominant “force me to do what I don't want to do.” It's that voice, that je n'est sais quoi that sends shivers down your spine and butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

It all goes back to the control factor. As a submissive, I crave for Master to exert his control over me. How, how much, when, why are all things that have been discussed at length between the two of us. I also looked at it as a way to almost safeguard me from unconsciously playing with the control balance out of fear or frustration. I would never want to truly try and take away any of the control from my Dominant or express any sort of domination over him (unless he's asking for my brattiness to rear it's lovely head), but looking back I can absolutely see how I did unconsciously take back control in a previous relationship. I do remember feeling afraid, confused, “blah” and unable to pinpoint the source. I felt insecure due to a lack of control over me, so to alleviate that absence I attempted to exert my own control. I cannot stress enough how this was not a conscious decision on my part. My main thought was to alleviate the uncomfortable emotions I was feeling. In a way, it's a natural response. A submissive serves her Dominant because that is who she is. If he drops something, she picks it up without thinking because it is helping him. If he drops the power of control, she picks it up not only to fill the void, but to help him. This is still a hard concept for me to understand myself, but I have never believed in something so much. It broke my heart to be told that I was being a selfish slave, topping from the bottom and acting out when internally, I had no idea what I was doing.

I retreated further. The further I drew back, the “worse” my behavior became. By that time, I had regained all of the control I had at one point submitted. This behavior of unconsciously taking back control bit by bit can definitely be (and clearly was for me) habit forming. By regularly taking charge in the absence of my Dominant's control it became harder for me to any relinquish control whatsoever. I lost faith in his ability to command, which took a toll on my trust in him. When he did try to exert any control over me I found it extremely difficult to feel an appropriate submissive response which eventually caused me to question who I was. I couldn't figure out how I was failing. In the end, I found myself extremely unhappy, with full control in my hands, internally freaking the hell out.

It's amazing how the simple lack of expressed control can cause such a breakdown of a relationship.

Was I topping from the bottom? Not in my opinion. I truly believe that in topping from the bottom the submissive is consciously aware of what she is doing, whether it's through manipulation or giving her dominant orders, with the intent to take power from her dominant regardless of the motivation. I don't fully understand topping from the bottom or why a submissive would want to do so. This way of demanding things (demanding in general is unacceptable) is dramatic, unnecessary and exhausting. If the submissive is unwilling to take responsibility for her actions and blames the dominant for her behavior such as demanding that he fix the problem, perhaps she should reevaluate if this is a relationship she truly wants to be part of.

I'm not saying that all bad behavior is due to topping from the bottom, nor am I saying that absence of the Dominant's control over a submissive is always the reason either. This phrase that gets thrown so frequently in our community is not as black and white as it seems. Next time you accuse someone of it, or are told that you yourself are topping, take a look back and analyze the actions, emotions, and balance of control. Take a deeper look at what's going on in the relationship and never shut out honest communication.

Hijacked Breakups

Cross-posted by request from the D/s Academy blog. Thanks, Alisha!

We’ve all seen it. A D/s couple are struggling or breaking up, there’s a question of abuse, people jump in to rescue the abusee and drive the abuser outta here. Looks righteous. But wait a minute, what’s really happening? Could this be hurting the very couple it’s meant to protect?

To talk about this phenomenon we need to look at a couple of things: the culture of fear, and the nature of proof. It has been said that “fear is the adrenaline of our time,” and in your authors’ experience this is becoming ever more true. Both RL and SL have developed a culture of fear, encouraged in RL by the media and in SL by the endless discussions of red flags, predators, abusers and sociopaths. Fear sells even better than sex. And nothing proves the need for fear better than finding a predator in our midst.

How do we prove our predators? In RL there is forensics. In SL there is. . . hearsay. In your authors’ experience, here in SL it is almost impossible to prove or disprove anything. People can and do easily escape responsibility for their actions. The dark flip side is that people can easily be held responsible for actions they did not do, and have little to no recourse.

In SL, the only fact that’s knowable about a breakup is the observation that the couple, at least in those avatars, is no longer together. It is compassionate and reasonable to assume that both parties to the breakup are suffering. But we have all seen it go further than that. Allegations of misconduct or abuse are made, either by the principles or by someone listening to their stories. Vague “proofs” may be presented. Listeners form conclusions based on indirect subjective evidence (tone of voice, consistence of story etc.) A set of unprovable allegations magically transforms into actionable facts in the minds of friends and strangers alike. A community of caring individuals sprouts pitchforks and torches and becomes a mob.

Why does this happen? There is a great deal of historical precedent in RL, and your authors would argue that the SL drivers are no different. The uncomfortable energy of fear can be discharged by locating and attacking an enemy “out there.” A mob supports its members to take emotion-based action without critical thought, and shields individuals from consequence. As witnessed by such TV programs as Jerry Springer, other people’s problems can be enjoyed as a blood sport. For Dom/mes, there can be the ego boost of dragon slaying, and the validation of being identified as on the Good Dom/me side of the fence. For subs, there may be reliving of a past victim role through another’s experience, projecting their own past feelings into the current situation. For both Dom/mes and subs, there can be the transference of past wrongs in their histories and the opportunity to get revenge by proxy.

The overt intention of the mob is to “help,” but is this helpful to our hurting community members? Much is made in D/s of the healing power of being seen. Many of us bring RL traumas and instabilities to our SL relationships, hidden behind the sparkle of our avatars. Pain is individual, its roots and depth unknowable in SL. Your authors hold that what most fracturing couples need is cooler heads, compassion, tolerance, eventual resolution, and in some cases solid pressure for RL help. The mob, however, is no longer about the individuals, nor about their reality. The mob needs the couple’s pain! It perpetuates and feeds upon suffering, perceived injustice, the need for intervention; the righteous glow achieved by condemning others, rescuing victims and slaying dragons.

Yes, there ARE predators and sociopaths out there, drawn to SL and other online venues by the lack of consequence and the limits of proof. There is abuse, people who successfully trap others in mind games or physical situations. Prudence and awareness are essential when engaging one’s RL self on any level in SL.

That said, your authors would argue that the vast majority of relationship breakups are just breakups, between people who like all of us are struggling with their own demons and having ordinary problems. Around their individual nidus of personal pain the community crystallizes its own agenda. Like sin and the Yom Kippur goat, the fears of the community are placed upon the heads of the couple, and a wilderness of polarization and projection opens around them at the moment when each of them likely most needs a sane and caring shelter.

We like to think we are rallying to support each other, to help our hurting friends heal, but who does this dynamic described really serve? What needs are actually being met? And the most disturbing question: in such situations could we in the community end up being the very thing we fear: Predators?!

your authors are Ryn Hax and Meadow Theas

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 5 - "Submission in stages"

This is the fifth essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "Submission in stages" and will focus on the development of a submissive that engages in an M/s relationship to reflect on various possibilities to strengthen the intimate bond between Dominant and submissive. What facilitates and what threatens enslavement in D/s context?
Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK. 


0. Introduction

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When the authors of the IE website speak of a "natural slave" they mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.


1. Conditions that allow the growth of an M/s bond up to the enslavement of the submissive

I guess we all are aware that no intimate relationship of a Dominant and a submissive can successfully work longterm without the pillars safety sanity and consentuality (--> "informed consent"). The conditions for an intimate relationship involving the D/s dynamic pretty much seem to be the same as for any kind of intimate relationship, of the BDSM kind or not.

The solid ground is "matching characters/compatibility", mutual attraction, mutual respect, honesty, openness, a tight bond of trust, mutual commitment and the will of the partners involved to actively work on the success of the relationship which also includes will and ability to self reflect and to communicate.

So, when we have the solid ground and these nice pillars, what will prevent the solid material
from crumbling when time is taking effect after the first bliss of a new D/s relationship?

If you hung on the lips of some grand self-proclaimed Masters and Mistresses, You might think it is rules that rule. Have a good rule set and all will go smoothly and longterm. Nice ideologies. Let's look at the reality of being humans. I say ... the most important thing that will prevent a D/s relationship from crumbling to pieces after the first bliss is over, is ENJOYMENT. In this a D/s relationship is not really different from any kind of intimate relationship, right? Just the areas and methods of finding enjoyment might be different.

* Enjoyment of the other person and how he/she is.
* Enjoyment of oneself in the relationship ... enjoyment of Your role as submissive or Dominant or switch ... enjoyment of how one can be due to the fact of being together with the Dominant or submissive partner.
*Enjoyment of the mental and emotional aspects of D/s and their effect on one's own and the other's mind and heart.
*Enjoyment of having control or enjoyment of giving control away. Enjoyment of experiencing the partner in control-loss or in control.
* Enjoyment of the physical aspects of a D/s relationship, for example SM practise (if involved).

Finally, it should also be bourne in mind when considering potential Masters or slaves that Internal Enslavement is necessarily built while living together, and this will involve the submissive joining the dominant's household at some point.

Tanos writes: "It is considerably easier to evaluate genuine compatibility if dominant and submissive can spend time together regularly before moving - for instance, spending every weekend at one house or the other, or spending an extended period of "everyday" time together (eg a few weeks, and not just a holiday.) "

For this reason, there is often a risk associated with starting a long-distance relationship in the hope that it will lead to enslavement, since you may not be able to fully evaluate whether you are compatible before it is time to live together if the relationship is to progress.

In this context I would now like to mention some unplesant things that occur in too many long distance relationships that came into existence by online contact.


2. Unhealthy conditions - example: Myths used to deceive submissives
    (source of info: http://www.enslavement.org.uk)

a) Online training

Online training is the most common distraction from a genuine search for M/s. A number of men with no intention and/or no talent of establishing enslavement seek to attract women with a genuine need for an M/s relationship.

One ploy is to offer some form of online training which is claimed to increase the submissive's attractiveness to potential Masters. Online training can lead to periods of short term dominance, which go some way to satisfying this need in some submissive women.
However, because submissives always retain final control in online submission (by withdrawing if necessary) they are ultimately unsatisfying - in particular, Reactance cannot normally be overcome if submissives are expected to "dominate themselves" into obedience.


b) Formal Mentoring

Formal Mentoring is often a more sophisticated variant of the Online Training ploy, and isn't limited to online environments.

There have been respectable traditions of mentoring in some parts of BDSM's history (in particular, the Old Guard Leather subculture among gay men up to the mid 1970's).
However, it is commonly used in online communities to enable dominants to obtain committed submission without taking any responsibility, and without making clear their motivation.
In particular, mentoring is frequently portrayed as some form of public service that the dominant does to "give back to the Lifestyle", and in which he will train the submissive in some way, encourage her to explore her self and filter out unsuitable potential Masters for her.

Tanos clearly states on http://www.enslavement.org.uk/:
"Although I do agree that would-be slaves can learn some useful things in relationships of submission outside of Enslavement, I believe the true motivations of all involved should be made clear from the start. For dominants, this will normally include their desire to control, understand and be served by submissives, and such relationships may be better viewed as limited Service with opportunities to learn, rather than purely as Mentoring." (cited from
 http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)

I would like to underline "DESIRE TO CONTROL".
If a self-proclaimed Master has no deep desire, even need, to control, then an M/s relationship cannot work longterm. And with desire and need there come up the question for TALENT.
Is the "Master" willing and able to invest the great efforts it takes to take control?
Le's look at the sub: Des he/she have the need to be in control? Ad is he/she able to truly cope with control loss and enjoying it? It comes down to the question if the sub is what Tanos calls "a natural slave" that has another way to experience and deal with reactance than other people have. evertheless, in most cases, the best source of guidance for an inexperienced female submissive is usually a circle of other submissive friends with similar needs, rather than a dominant. .


c) Secret Training Houses

Let''s see what Tanos wrote about them:
"Secret Training Houses is one of the most suprising myths to persist online, and probably owes its origin to the mysterious slave-training chateau in the "Story of O"."

"Typically, a dominant will claim to be part of a worldwide, underground network of training houses, decry the falling standards in BDSM today compared to the "Old School", "European" or "Formal" standards of his youth (he has been "in the Lifestyle" either exactly 20 or exactly 30 years) and then tell the enthralled submissive that he can tell even through her computer screen that she is good enough for him to introduce into his organisation... " (cited from
 http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)

As these examples may illustrate, it is not at all easy to find a good, well-,matching Dominant or submissive partner that is actually worth investing Yourself into a committed relationship with him/her. But I don't want to cling to the negatives here. Let's see how submission may develop if a sub actually went into good Dominant hands and conditions are set for establishing a well-working longterm D/s relationship up to the bond of M/s, with the submissive being enslaved property of his/her Master/Mistress.


3. Submission in Stages

The initial phase of starting and building on an M/s relationship is a most delicate time: The sub and the Dom might already have a well working D/s bond, but for a Master-slave relationship more is needed. Of course, we hear the question ring on the mind if this all isn't an ideal, a fantasy, also by presenting it as something "different" that requires "more" than the "usual". Something that requires a "diploma", one could think. But in fact it is nothing but about nature. No forcing it makes sense, things should just happen as they naturally fit with people.

There is the apparent contradiction of consensual non-consent: The submissive needs to change from a willing supplicant, seeking eslavement, into a slave held in her Master's possession. One of the pillars of a D/s relationship, as we know, is consent. This implies that a submissive usually has freedoms that have been negotiated. A submissive can say no and leave a D/s relationship, for example. A submissive can always safe-word.

Now, when a submissive becomes a Master's possession as His/Her enslaved property, there potentially is a tension between the freedoms the submissive still has and the authority the Master needs to progressively acquire. uthority that is also grounded in a Master's/Mistresse's need for control. control He/She will take from the slave and simply use as He/She pleases, let's hope responsibly. An authority of the Master/Mistress that induces the sub seeking enslavement to "consent to nonconsent", so to speak. A power that lets the sub turn over his/her powers and control to the Master/Mistress completely, becoming His/Her property that is being cared for and that is being decided on.
.
Now, what is so diffcult about it? Progress can be halted and the Master's authority undermined by a reactive submissive selectively vetoing his decisions to prove to herself she is still free. Which is in fact the reason why "Total Power Exchange" seems to remain a matter of fantasy and ideals, not appearing apt to withstand the reality of relationships. And it is a
very natural thing, nothing to be criticized or despised as trait of the "less developed form" of submission. In fact, such inner rebellion against a Dom's command could be rooted in the antropological need for freedom and as such is not to be judged negatively. It is about being human.

Reactance, the emotional reaction towards restriction of freedom, helps us reflect when we are in unsafe situations and thank God this natural mechanism cannot be submerged by any external control. It is up to the subject how to act if reactance is felt. 
If i felt uncomfortable with a command of my Dominant and felt reactance, but nevertheless did it because it is His will and I were eager to please Him, it is likely that it at the same time  fulfilled a deep need within me to be controlled and to feel the bliss as soon as i got over the reactance peak.

"Submission in Stages" is a model that can help with the transition of the sub, being in relationship with the Dominant and still having several things of herself and some freedoms, to an enslaved sub/slave that is owned posession of a Master, having turned over the control/power into the hopefully capable hands and braincells and heart of the Master (--> Power Exchange). To put in a nutshell, it is as if the Dominant was cutting the big cake that we call "Total Power Exchange" (full enslavement) into smaller pieces, then feeding them to the sub bit by bit, so that the sub can have time to get used to the new aspects in the nature of their M/s relationship and have the chance to consent to each of these bits individually.

Tanos writes: "In this approach, the dominant lays out stages of increasing authority transfer which the submissive consents to as her trust increases. For example, one stage might give the dominant authority to require domestic service, a respectful attitude and control over what the submissive wears, but exclude the right to demand sexual access, control over finances, choice of job, where she lives etc." (cited from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)

So you could say, this all happens prior to slavery, as this "cake feeding" period is a phase of voluntary submission, and the sub always has the right to consent or not consent to each of the single "cake pieces". During this phase it is always clear how far the dominant's authority is guaranteed; the submissive retains reassuring control over aspects of her life which she still feels she cannot give up; progress is made at her pace; but the path is still defined by the Dominant. Submission in Stages can either be agreed verbally or by written agreements or even with formal contracts.

Such "voluntary submission" can also be described as "service", and "submitting and being in service to a Dominant" is different to "Being property of a Dominant". During the "Submission in stages" phase we have a service D/s relationship, not yet achieved enslavement and not yet achieved the sub's status as possession of the Dominant. "However, we should stress that the Internal Enslavement process will already have begun right from a supplicant's first meeting, by building trust and opening up the submissive's Self to the dominant." (Tanos, cited from
 http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)

"The "emotional" acceptance of the dominant's authority will usually be deeper than the sub's "rational" acceptance during this phase - that is, there may be aspects of her life which she does not yet think she could lose control over; but if confronted by the dominant taking control of them, she discovers she can in fact accept it." (Tanos)

I call this phase when the sub is starting to feel alignment of the will of the Dominant with her own needs. Such alignment is so to speak the "Vital IT" of any intimate relationship, and without it no relationship is going to work well longterm.

Tanos also gives this advice to Dominants who wish to enslave a submissive: "A techinique like Submission in Stages can yield more reliable and quicker results than a trial and error process of the dominant continually testing how far his authority extends, since the errors continually undermine trust and authority." 

So, what follows "Submission in Stages", if it has gone on successfully and led to ENJOYMENT and inner alignment and contentment for both, the potential Master of the potential slave?

Final stage: The sub accepts the dominant's authority over all aspects of her life, and confirms her desire to become his slave. This can happen after some weeks, and with other submissives craving enslavement, after some months of D/s relationship with the prospective Master. With this Consent to Enslavement in place, the work of building her emotional acceptance of her slavery can proceed.

So, to come to an end here, let me put a Dominant's main task in words if He/She dreamt of enslaving a submissive and becoming his/her owner:
 "BUILDING THE SUBMISSIVE'S EMOTIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF HIS/HER SLAVERY"


written by Mirjam Munro, December 2011

Reactance in the context of D/s

According to an essay on the Internal Enslavement website (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/) a "natural slave" shows a lower level of reactance and another way of dealing with it than people who do not have this trait.
What is reactance?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_%28psychology%29
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance

In November 2011 i wrote the following text about reactance, what it means and how it plays out for me in the context of D/s. I hope for many of You sharing Your thoughts and experiences on this interesting topic as well.

"To me, reactance is a feeling of rebellion against restriction. It is a positive thing, cause without it, i might not have the reflectivity and emotional energy to fight if my freedom was restricted against my will, this means non consentually. An example: When I get too many tasks put on my shoulders by my boss at work and that do not fit with my usual job role, I feel reactance.
Reactance is something that each human feels in every day life, in many areas. Reactance belongs to the traits of being human, and this is no surprise as freedm is a high good for mankind.
Now, in my D/s relationship, I enjoy being restricted by my Master. I feel much less reactance when He restricts my freedom and I even crave it. It puts me in mental bliss . I want to be controlled by my Master. The big difference to what I described before is: This all happens consentually. I want it to happen. I trust my Master in dealing with me harshly but never beyond my hard limits. I feel safe because I know He utterly respects my hard limits. And this safety makes me feel much less reactance, or even none when He restricts my freedom (physcially or "mentally", by giving orders, by permitting and not permitting certain things and actions etc.)
It happens that I first feel "inner rebellion" against something He does or that He commands me to do. Then I feel reactance. Reactance makes me alert and aware. It switches my mind "ON" and lets me reflect if I am still in the safe zone. And then I feel ... oh yes I am, cause I know my Master is totally trustworthy. I know it from experience. I know it from His eyes, His voice ... I know it from how He deals with me. I feel it in my heart ... and then I push myself to go through it and get beyond the peakpoint of reactance and fall into bliss. Feeling "one" with what is happening, giving in completely, and not feeling any inner resistance or reactance. And I crave this feeling.
I find it interesting that Tanos used reactance to describe the being of a "Natural slave" on the IE Website ... submissives who seems to feel a lower level of reactance when freedom is restricted , and who even seem to crave it and fall into blisswhen they got beyond the peakpoint of reactance are called "natural slaves", according to the article on the IE website.
Last not least: Towards ANYONE that restricted my freedom or tried to restrict it, I would feel a normal level of reactance, i think, and i would fight for restoring my freedom. But towards my SPECIAL ONE, my Master, I react differently ... cause what He does and decides is what I consented to. Cause what He does and decides has proven to be good for me in my experience with Him. And because I feel safe with HIm and trust Him completely.
In all of me that is His,there is no room for reactance, cause rebellion against what He decides and does can only happen in something that is "outside of my Master" and that does not belong to Him. And yes, if i had a non responsible Dominant that would not care for me well enough, then it would be damn good to keep some parts to myself and feel the reactance that could save me and bring me out of a situation and if needed, completely away from such a man.
And yes, thank God we have this mechanism. We need it for reflection, to be able to safeword (reactance makes us aware something is not right) - even with best intentions a responsible Master might fail at times and go too far or catch us in a bad situation. And when a relationship is new ... we damn need reactance to feel in our guts when we don't feel comfortable with a Dominant that might not give us the feeling of safety, that might not be trustworthy, that might even be abusive.
So to me reactance is very positive, and the experience of not feeling it when being with my Master is utterly awesome as well."
(written by mirjam in November 2011)

Finding the me in my submission: Learning to Let Go Again

I've found that I'm now much more aware about myself then I have ever really been, I've shifted into a phase of working on my fears. I think that there's definitely a sense of needing to be "strong", needing to prove something, or in my case keeping nice thick walls up, when you're not wearing a collar. As an uncollared submissive we do have to look out for ourselves, but where do we draw the line? At what point do we allow ourselves to open up? What's the best way to teach ourselves to do this?

Talking is an amazing tool - sharing, listening. Have you ever had one of those moments where you're talking with someone and you're saying things you didn't even realize you were thinking. It's not only therapeutic, it's a great to discover deeper parts of yourself. It's an easy way to learn how to open up. That is one area I know I’m weaker in – communication. But in my readiness to share myself, I'm also working on one of my greatest weaknesses. When I first decided I was going to allow others in I was skittish. I would shut down when I felt any sort of negative feeling about almost anything. There were even times when no matter how badly I wanted to share and verbalize what I was feeling, I found the words were stuck and I was incapable of doing so for fear of the repercussions. By no means am I even remotely close to being a strong communicator, but I've made the first (and hopefully subsequent) steps in the right direction when I decided to move forward.

I'm not saying we're obligated to share anything with anyone. I know walls go up for a reason, I have plenty myself. But I know, I know without a doubt I'm so ready to move forward with my life. I'm so ready to let someone in. I'm ready to put myself in a vulnerable position, to slowly expose myself to him. I have my friends and I do open up to them, but now it's time for me to open myself to the possibility of connecting with someone on a deeper level.

I can't give a definite answer as to why I feel like now is the time. It feels right. I trust myself. The raw emotions I was dealing with when I was first uncollared have dissolved. I'm able to look back at my past experience and grow from it without the intense negativity I used to feel. It felt safer for me to start allowing people in a little more. I made the conscious decision to be less hesitant and perhaps a bit more trusting with those I wanted to share with. It's hard work. It's kind of like jumping into the deep end of the pool. I'm the type of person who jumps in because I have to. Toe-by-toe doesn't work for me. If I go that slow, if I'm that cautious, I'll never make it all the way.

I had let go of fears and anxieties when I was previously collared. The end result - a failed relationship. For a while, I felt like that was a lesson, teaching me that letting go was a bad thing. I had done something that terrified me with someone I trusted and at the end of it all I was alone and hurting. I spent a lot of time thinking about that. It's not because I let go and decided to trust him that the relationship failed. I took a chance and it didn't work out. It doesn't mean letting go is a bad thing. It's quite the opposite. It's definitely scary, but it's also exhilarating and freeing and rewarding. It's a chance we're always going to have to take if we want to have the most meaningful relationship that we can. I think about where I am now, where my emotions are invested and while I'm nervous, I'm excited. More excited than I've been in a long time. And I'm so happy. What I'm feeling right now, feelings that I hope will continue to grow and expand, outweighs the fear of getting hurt. I can say that if I didn't feel ready myself, ready to face my fears or strong enough to take a chance, to allow someone to see the deepest parts of me, I wouldn't be saying this. And I wouldn't be actively working on letting go.

The power is completely in our hands. We make the decision to let people in. Who. When. If. What we share. We are the only ones who can determine if we we are ready. Everyone works at a different pace. We all want something different. That's the beauty of this. We're all at different stages with different needs, but with the power residing in ourselves. There's no timeline to follow. It's a matter of doing what feels right when it feels right. And trusting yourself - trusting that you're making the right decision. Don't let past experiences hold you back. You'll absolutely know when you're ready to let go.

Enjoy the journey when you do.