Ok! So you finally did it. You spent the months building a strong relationship with your Dominant. You opened up the communication, built the respect, trust your Dominant implicitly, and formed a rock solid foundation. You worked hard and finally the collar has been earned. The ceremony was beautiful, the guests were thrilled, and you were on top of the world as that symbol of your Dominant's care for you was locked around your throat. You are now a securely owned submissive. Now what?
Recently Master did a lecture on what the Dominant's responsibility was to the submissive after the collar. As i listened i could not help but think to myself that the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility to the relationship after the collar. And i wondered how many newly collared submissives were aware of their roles now that they are owned. You will wear many hats as an owned submissive. Your journey and your work has only just begun.
The first (and arguably the most important) hat is that of the student. Your Dominant wants to teach and guide you. Yes there is training so that you know how to best serve your Dominant. But there are also goals, rules and boundaries to help you become the best YOU that you can be. Your Dominant will give you the tools to improve your life because a better person makes a better submissive. Your job here is to learn. Listen to what your Dominant is saying and try to understand the importance of the changes not just within the relationship but in your whole life. As you receive your goals and rules remember you are the student and it is your job to absorb what is being taught. The teacher can not make you listen and learn. It is your responsibility to pay attention and make the effort to achieve. As you learn, certainly it is ok to ask questions in order to better understand your Dominant's expectations of you. But be careful to make sure that is the reason for the questions and not as challenging your Dominant. Its ok to ask them what the weight goal is on the new diet plan and tips on how to reach it. It is NOT ok to ask why you should have to do it in the first place. Because this is what your Dominant told you to do and that will make them happy should be all the reason you need. And keep in mind some questions your Dominant wont answer simply because some lessons have to be learned by doing.
Along with the "student" hat, you will also become a teacher. It will be up to you to educate and teach the ignorant people of your life (friends and family) when they question your choice to be a submissive. You will also have to teach others who may come into the household as submissives. You have first hand knowledge of your Dominant's expectations and can help them along the way. Just remember that while you may be a teacher to new submissives you are not the Dominant. You can share all you know, but never order them to do anything. They are not there to serve you and have no obligation to even so much as speak to you if they choose not to. But there is another teaching role that even you may not be aware you are doing. When you are patient with others you teach patience. When you show your trust, devotion, pride, and grace you will also teach them through example. By being the best person you can be around others, regardless of who they are, you inspire others to be their best.
Gal Friday. This is the hat that, next to the student cap, you will probably wear the most. Dominants tend to be high energy people with lots of interests. They like challenges because it gives them a sense of accomplishment. Trust me when i say they will take on lots of responsibilities and sometimes more than they can do all at once. This is where they will delegate tasks to you to help them finish all they set out to do. You will be asked to do anything from finding furnishings, to making lists of guests for a party, to writing up and keeping track of important documents. What ever they need when they delegate a task to you, take it completely to heart. They trust you enough to hand you this task and how you complete it will reflect directly on your Dominant in the eyes of others. You want other people to see your Dominant shine but more importantly to be useful to your Dominant in every possible way. Of course there will be times when a task just does not work out as well as you had hoped, but the fact that you put forth the effort to do all you could means the world. It helps take some of the daily pressure off of your Dominant and shows your deep dedication to them.
Confidant. Yes you are the submissive and never forget who is in charge of the household. But you are part of a relationship and arguable the closest person in your Dominants life. There will be times when your Dominant needs to vent and talk about things that are upsetting them. Listen to them and let them get what ever it is off their chest. Just keep very much in mind that what your Dominant tells you belongs only to you. What ever is said is said in trust and is NEVER uttered to another soul. And while you may not be able to do anything yourself to help some situations, sometimes the best help any one person can be is a trustable caring ear.
Diplomat. This one can belong to you any time but especially when you leave your Dominant's presence and meet with others. You are representing your Dominant's household and name. Even if it is just a trip to a shop, when you are out and about you represent your Dominant. Be respectful at all times. Treat others with the same grace as you would in your Dominant's presence. Remember your pride in the honor your Dominant gives to you and show that to others no matter where you are. You never ever know who is watching and may be surprised at how many times your Dominant tells you that someone sent message at how impressed they were with you.
"The President's Wife". This is one of Master's analogies. It goes hand in hand with the "Diplomat" hat and has nothing to do with gender. But consider what the Presidents wife does. She shares her husband with a nation. To run a country takes time, effort, more time. But she is ever at his side, ever reflecting his values and beliefs. In this lifestyle and especially in SL, others will be looking to your Dominant for answers and guidance. Another submissive does not have to be collared by your Dominant to seek His or Her advice. Other Dominants may also seek advice and assistance. And it is your Dominants decision who they share time with in these matters. Sometimes it may feel as though your Dominant has little time for you. Be patient and graceful. Certainly if that feeling becomes overwhelming, open that communication but do so without dramatics. Let them know you miss them but don't throw tantrums and point fingers. Be proud that your Dominant is one that others take cue from. That shows how respected your Dominant is in the eyes of others. And you yourself are part of that. How you represent yourself to others shows your Dominant's quality of teaching and how He or She runs the household.
And finally submissive. This is the one that can often get lost after the collar is placed. Remember that you are their submissive and not "princess" (even if that is a pet name). They are not obligated to bow to you, your whims, or your wants. It is YOU who bows to them. Nothing aggravates me more than hearing a submissive say something like "I told Him this is the way i want it" or "She owes me for that." Its not ABOUT you. Its not about what you want. Its about serving your Dominant as best you can to make THEM happy. Your greatest "want" should be their happiness. Knowing your obedience and trust make them happy is the goal and what should make you the happiest. The moment you start dictating to your Dominant how you want things done, what you expect from them, and you want them to give you is the moment you have lost your submissiveness and are taking control away from them. You are the one on your knees. You serve them.
Certainly there are many other hats i am sure others can think of. Many you will find along your path as a submissive. Feel free to add any you find! The point being is that being collared is not the end all of goals and not to be considered "the finish line". My final sub-stance on this: Never think that just because you have that collar your work is done. It has only just started.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Our submissive's development. Does our job stop after the collaring?
All of us here are in this lifestyle for many reasons. The common denominator for most of us is that we want something "real and successful" based on the fact that in this lifestyle we focus on our true strengths and core values. That is followed with "alignment and compatibility". These things in and of themselves separate us from the vanilla world. Why? Because we are willing to do the things with regard to building a relationship that most in the vanilla world take for granted.
What are some of these things? Lets start with the onset of the relationship. What are the things we look for?
1. Matching core values
2. Matching hard and soft limits
3. Intellectual compatibility
4. Proper alignment
5. Physical attraction
6. Sexual Compatibility
We then embark on the courtship process. We take our submissives under our wings. We address issues with them and do everything we can to earn trust, honor and respect. We gradually take healthy control of our submissive under consideration and teach them to give all of their control over to us as that is what empowers us as Dominants. As time goes by we offer them a collar which signifies an open commitment to our household, and we feel proud and fulfilled with a wonderful sense of accomplishment. We enter into a clear and precise exchange of power.
Is our work now finished? Or has it just begun? What are our responsibilities to our households now that the collar is worn?
There is a vanilla saying that always makes me chuckle. When the question is asked, " Do you still love me" the answer is " I married you didn't I ?" When our subs ask us if they are still pleasing to us, Do we respond " I collared you didn't I?" The truth is that if we are asked that question, it sends us a clear message. What is that message?
Our submissives lean on us. They depend on us for guidance, direction and improvement. While it is true that we must keep these lines of communication open as it is imperative to a healthy household, we must also guard against allowing ourselves to be critiqued. We must guard against the " what have you done for me lately?" attitude, and reiterate that we expect our happiness to be their primary goal and priority. However, let's try to understand why this mindset takes place.
Through our efforts and hard work our submissives become stronger, more confidant and more secure. Deeper questions are going to be asked, soul searching takes place and that results in the relationship moving to deeper levels. A submissive that reaches a level of education and improvement that the Dominant has helped her achieve may feel insecure in the idea that she does not need goals and has only to maintain that level. This is what separates true Dominance from the pack. A true Dominant never stops re-evaluating His household and continues to search for improvement and find new ways to set growth goals. Why is this important to a submissive?
Because a submissive has a natural instinct to please.
A huge fear for submissives is running out of ways to please their Master. A natural emotional response from this is insecurity. The submissive feels that they are no longer needed and the Dominant will tire of them. What can we as Dominants do to make our submissives feel secure as the relationship continues to evolve?
Find ways to put newly developed skills to work
Assign tasks that will help improve the household thus enabling these new skills to flourish.
Assign educational tasks to encourage those in need outside of our households
We as Dominants must guard against the mindset of "riding upon our laurels". If we send a message to our household that improvement is no longer needed that is the day that we will start to fail.
I have had many Dominants come to me very perplexed because they no longer feel they have control over their households. After weeks or months of hard work, the dynamics have changed and their submissives feel that they need to be pushed a bit more. The message being sent by the submissive is NOT necessarily the message being received by the Dominant. The message being sent is " Please Master help me continue to grow" The message being received is " I am being critiqued and I am losing respect within my household". We as Dominants must guard against feeling the need to push our submissives back into their "place" ( sort of speak) It is very easy to have a knee jerk reaction and feel we are being topped from the bottom. The truth is that it was through our hard work that our households have become healthy and confident. Do we want to send a message that the result of improvement is going to be perceived as disrespect? That is why we as Dominants have to continue to improve "ourselves" as Masters of the house. I have seen Dominants who reached a pinnacle and brought their households to a healthy level, and now do not know how improve on that. As a result, they decided to release their submissives and search for new submissives that they can mentor from scratch again.
Is this the answer?
Or is it our responsibility to create new ways to challenge our households?
If we decide to release a submissive because we have trained them to the limits of our knowledge, how can we expect them to ever feel secure in improvement again?
I am not saying there will not be times when a submissive has been taught to be confident and secure again, then suddenly feels as if they no longer need the Dominance the way they needed it before. I have seen it happen where the newly found emotional health resulted in a submissive losing focus of her/his first priority of respecting and pleasing their Dominant. It can be a challenge for the Dominant to make sure that this training you have provided for your submissives does not send a message that now they will be allowed to undermine your decisions. There is a difference between simply questioning a decision, and "challenging a decision. Challenging a decision is nothing more then topping from the bottom and can result in a household coming apart at the seams.
In closing:
I do want to remind all of you here that we as Dominants make our decisions within the households with your best interests at heart as it is instinctive for us to do so. The moment you adopt a "what about me" attitude you lose your submission and remove the power from your Dominant. You have turn the control of your lives over to your Dominant for a reason. We have accepted that responsibility with honor. Trust in your Dominant knowing that we are not perfect, but we will always strive to create new ways to improve the quality of your lives in every way.
Mikhail Borgin
What are some of these things? Lets start with the onset of the relationship. What are the things we look for?
1. Matching core values
2. Matching hard and soft limits
3. Intellectual compatibility
4. Proper alignment
5. Physical attraction
6. Sexual Compatibility
We then embark on the courtship process. We take our submissives under our wings. We address issues with them and do everything we can to earn trust, honor and respect. We gradually take healthy control of our submissive under consideration and teach them to give all of their control over to us as that is what empowers us as Dominants. As time goes by we offer them a collar which signifies an open commitment to our household, and we feel proud and fulfilled with a wonderful sense of accomplishment. We enter into a clear and precise exchange of power.
Is our work now finished? Or has it just begun? What are our responsibilities to our households now that the collar is worn?
There is a vanilla saying that always makes me chuckle. When the question is asked, " Do you still love me" the answer is " I married you didn't I ?" When our subs ask us if they are still pleasing to us, Do we respond " I collared you didn't I?" The truth is that if we are asked that question, it sends us a clear message. What is that message?
Our submissives lean on us. They depend on us for guidance, direction and improvement. While it is true that we must keep these lines of communication open as it is imperative to a healthy household, we must also guard against allowing ourselves to be critiqued. We must guard against the " what have you done for me lately?" attitude, and reiterate that we expect our happiness to be their primary goal and priority. However, let's try to understand why this mindset takes place.
Through our efforts and hard work our submissives become stronger, more confidant and more secure. Deeper questions are going to be asked, soul searching takes place and that results in the relationship moving to deeper levels. A submissive that reaches a level of education and improvement that the Dominant has helped her achieve may feel insecure in the idea that she does not need goals and has only to maintain that level. This is what separates true Dominance from the pack. A true Dominant never stops re-evaluating His household and continues to search for improvement and find new ways to set growth goals. Why is this important to a submissive?
Because a submissive has a natural instinct to please.
A huge fear for submissives is running out of ways to please their Master. A natural emotional response from this is insecurity. The submissive feels that they are no longer needed and the Dominant will tire of them. What can we as Dominants do to make our submissives feel secure as the relationship continues to evolve?
Find ways to put newly developed skills to work
Assign tasks that will help improve the household thus enabling these new skills to flourish.
Assign educational tasks to encourage those in need outside of our households
We as Dominants must guard against the mindset of "riding upon our laurels". If we send a message to our household that improvement is no longer needed that is the day that we will start to fail.
I have had many Dominants come to me very perplexed because they no longer feel they have control over their households. After weeks or months of hard work, the dynamics have changed and their submissives feel that they need to be pushed a bit more. The message being sent by the submissive is NOT necessarily the message being received by the Dominant. The message being sent is " Please Master help me continue to grow" The message being received is " I am being critiqued and I am losing respect within my household". We as Dominants must guard against feeling the need to push our submissives back into their "place" ( sort of speak) It is very easy to have a knee jerk reaction and feel we are being topped from the bottom. The truth is that it was through our hard work that our households have become healthy and confident. Do we want to send a message that the result of improvement is going to be perceived as disrespect? That is why we as Dominants have to continue to improve "ourselves" as Masters of the house. I have seen Dominants who reached a pinnacle and brought their households to a healthy level, and now do not know how improve on that. As a result, they decided to release their submissives and search for new submissives that they can mentor from scratch again.
Is this the answer?
Or is it our responsibility to create new ways to challenge our households?
If we decide to release a submissive because we have trained them to the limits of our knowledge, how can we expect them to ever feel secure in improvement again?
I am not saying there will not be times when a submissive has been taught to be confident and secure again, then suddenly feels as if they no longer need the Dominance the way they needed it before. I have seen it happen where the newly found emotional health resulted in a submissive losing focus of her/his first priority of respecting and pleasing their Dominant. It can be a challenge for the Dominant to make sure that this training you have provided for your submissives does not send a message that now they will be allowed to undermine your decisions. There is a difference between simply questioning a decision, and "challenging a decision. Challenging a decision is nothing more then topping from the bottom and can result in a household coming apart at the seams.
In closing:
I do want to remind all of you here that we as Dominants make our decisions within the households with your best interests at heart as it is instinctive for us to do so. The moment you adopt a "what about me" attitude you lose your submission and remove the power from your Dominant. You have turn the control of your lives over to your Dominant for a reason. We have accepted that responsibility with honor. Trust in your Dominant knowing that we are not perfect, but we will always strive to create new ways to improve the quality of your lives in every way.
Mikhail Borgin
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Put Me In My Place
Just the phrase "being put in your place" stirs up feelings of defensiveness. It can make a person feel attacked, and that their values and ideas are not valid.
But in the world of the submissive we DO have a place and from time to time need to be reminded of that fact. Our place is at our Dominants knee. Our place to is to do all we can to please and make our Dominant happy.
Unfortunately there come moments in a submissives life when they forget this place. The focus of a submissive should be the Dominant. Somehow in the effort however it is very easy for a submissive to turn the focus to them self. They become obsessed with the concept that the Dominant is responsible for making the submissive happy.
Since when?? At what point did that become the Dominants role? The Dominant's role is to help the submissive grow and learn and protect them as best He or She can. It is through this that They help improve the life of the submissive and help them build that happiness. BUT it is still the DOMINANT'S happiness that is the focus of the submissive.
It is NOT our place to tell the Dominant "i need more controls by you. You arn't demanding enough". The Dominant decides what needs to be improved. NOT the submissive. The submissive gave power for that decision to the Dominant when they took the collar. A submissive MAY ASK a Dominant if there is anything more that YOU think i need to learn? ..Or state "I am feeling insecure and would like a tighter restriction put on me to make me feel closer to You.
NEVER tell the Dominant that they are not "doing" enough. The point is for the submissve to do the doing. The moment a submissive starts a line of "what about me" they have lost their submission. It aint about you. When a submissive starts putting their own wants above the Dominant in her or his heart, they no longer value the Dominant. The Dominant takes a back seat to the vanity of the submissive.
When a submissive starts to demand what direction the Dominant takes in the relationship they take away the power of the Dominant. Focusing the attention away from the happiness of the Dominant is nothing short of selfish. Again it isnt about what the submissive wants. It is about what the Dominant decides is best for the submissive and what will please the Dominant.
At times a Dominant may give a task or command but not give exact direction. This is because it is the submissive who must complete this task themselves. Remember the Dominant is not there to hold your hand and micro control you through potty training and spoon feeding. They attempt to guide you into being a better person through goals and tasks. If a Dominant chooses to give vague control you may want to consider that you are expecting Him or Her to do too much and need to stand on your own a tad. Being a submissive is NOT being a helpless dependent. It is growing into a stronger more confidant person in order to be a stronger more confidant submissive. At some point in a diet goal the only one who should have to worry about it is you. You attain the goal when you can monitor what you put in your mouth yourself and are responsible for getting the gym without being hand held and told.
And finally what about your place in a poly/multi house? Keep in mind it is the DOMINANTS house. You were given the HONOR of being allowed in. If the Dominant decides to build a multi house it is the DOMINANTS decision to make. Certainly you can choose to leave if you feel uncomfortable. Just keep in mind that if you leave for that reason, it is because once again the focus is on you and not your Dominants happiness. My personal sub-stance: If a submissive decollars them self because they don't like the idea of a multi/poly house (or argues and complains to the Dominant) it is a selfish act based on the submissive self interest and not on the concept of serving the happiness of the Dominant.
We kneel and give power to the DOMINANT. We give all decisions and direction to THE DOMINANT. We place our focus on what makes THE DOMINANT happy. That is the place of a submissive. Anything less is vanilla. There is NO equal power in D/s or there would not be Dominants. The only time a Dominant should have to put you in your place..is when you are going overboard in serving or feeling insecure in the relationship. Then a Dominant might tell you to relax your guard or put you in chains in the bed to remind you that you are THEIRS. Otherwise...if you truly have submitted then you dont need to be told your place; you know it instinctivly.
But in the world of the submissive we DO have a place and from time to time need to be reminded of that fact. Our place is at our Dominants knee. Our place to is to do all we can to please and make our Dominant happy.
Unfortunately there come moments in a submissives life when they forget this place. The focus of a submissive should be the Dominant. Somehow in the effort however it is very easy for a submissive to turn the focus to them self. They become obsessed with the concept that the Dominant is responsible for making the submissive happy.
Since when?? At what point did that become the Dominants role? The Dominant's role is to help the submissive grow and learn and protect them as best He or She can. It is through this that They help improve the life of the submissive and help them build that happiness. BUT it is still the DOMINANT'S happiness that is the focus of the submissive.
It is NOT our place to tell the Dominant "i need more controls by you. You arn't demanding enough". The Dominant decides what needs to be improved. NOT the submissive. The submissive gave power for that decision to the Dominant when they took the collar. A submissive MAY ASK a Dominant if there is anything more that YOU think i need to learn? ..Or state "I am feeling insecure and would like a tighter restriction put on me to make me feel closer to You.
NEVER tell the Dominant that they are not "doing" enough. The point is for the submissve to do the doing. The moment a submissive starts a line of "what about me" they have lost their submission. It aint about you. When a submissive starts putting their own wants above the Dominant in her or his heart, they no longer value the Dominant. The Dominant takes a back seat to the vanity of the submissive.
When a submissive starts to demand what direction the Dominant takes in the relationship they take away the power of the Dominant. Focusing the attention away from the happiness of the Dominant is nothing short of selfish. Again it isnt about what the submissive wants. It is about what the Dominant decides is best for the submissive and what will please the Dominant.
At times a Dominant may give a task or command but not give exact direction. This is because it is the submissive who must complete this task themselves. Remember the Dominant is not there to hold your hand and micro control you through potty training and spoon feeding. They attempt to guide you into being a better person through goals and tasks. If a Dominant chooses to give vague control you may want to consider that you are expecting Him or Her to do too much and need to stand on your own a tad. Being a submissive is NOT being a helpless dependent. It is growing into a stronger more confidant person in order to be a stronger more confidant submissive. At some point in a diet goal the only one who should have to worry about it is you. You attain the goal when you can monitor what you put in your mouth yourself and are responsible for getting the gym without being hand held and told.
And finally what about your place in a poly/multi house? Keep in mind it is the DOMINANTS house. You were given the HONOR of being allowed in. If the Dominant decides to build a multi house it is the DOMINANTS decision to make. Certainly you can choose to leave if you feel uncomfortable. Just keep in mind that if you leave for that reason, it is because once again the focus is on you and not your Dominants happiness. My personal sub-stance: If a submissive decollars them self because they don't like the idea of a multi/poly house (or argues and complains to the Dominant) it is a selfish act based on the submissive self interest and not on the concept of serving the happiness of the Dominant.
We kneel and give power to the DOMINANT. We give all decisions and direction to THE DOMINANT. We place our focus on what makes THE DOMINANT happy. That is the place of a submissive. Anything less is vanilla. There is NO equal power in D/s or there would not be Dominants. The only time a Dominant should have to put you in your place..is when you are going overboard in serving or feeling insecure in the relationship. Then a Dominant might tell you to relax your guard or put you in chains in the bed to remind you that you are THEIRS. Otherwise...if you truly have submitted then you dont need to be told your place; you know it instinctivly.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Judgment Day
A Lifestyle is the term for the customs, rules, habits and values by which one lives everyday life. Those who live the D/s lifestyle are no different. We have certain rules and values we live by and customs unique to our beliefs.
But to understand the lifestyle of D/s one needs to understand what it is first. Often it is mistaken for abuse, weakness and anti feminism. These misconceptions could not be further from the truth. And it is the judgments made by people who are ignorant to the lifestyle that hurt the integrity of the lifestyle the most.
D/s stands for Dominant and submissive. In the custom of this lifestyle one person; the submissive, gives control of themselves to a Dominant. A Dominant is one who is very strong willed, decisive, and who thrives on providing care and training to others. Dominants have many other traits as well but the base trait is that they get ultimate pleasure from being in control of the the relationship and of the submissive.
Before the lynching begins understand this: a submissive gives this control willingly. It is a desire in themselves to give all they are and all they wish to be to a Dominants guidance. It is part of their nature to want to please and need the feeling of security that someone is in charge. They willingly submit themselves to this service. BUT it is the Dominants responsibility to provide the submissive with protection, guidance and training through life to help them be the best people they can.
D/s is never abusive. D/s is a relationship between two consenting adults. Point of fact one of the most common mantras in the D/s lifestyle is "Safe, Sane, and Consensual".
Too often "domination" is confused with abuse such as savage beatings from anger and forced work. True Dominance has nothing to do with this.
A trained and informed Dominant cares for their submissive, loves and cherishes the gift the submissive gives.
They teach a submissive to overcome obstacles, past emotional issues, and self doubt among other things. While they do this, they give support and protection. If a Dominant gives a rule such as a bed time for the submissive chances are its because the submissive needs more sleep in order to be healthier and is not taking care of that themself.
Bare in mind that this does not make the submissive "weak" or "stupid" or incapable of living on their own. On the contrary. Submissives tend to be extremely educated and intelligent. Most, in fact, hold high power jobs and are in control of a great deal. But they tend to ignore their own needs in favor of others needs and even put themselves dead last in care. They are strong to be sure. A submissive needs to be strong enough to kneel. Certainly strong enough to give that trust to a Dominant.
But in a relationship they crave to give that control. They need to feel they have a safe and loving heart to turn to that will take the burdens and fears away. Someone who will guide them and take control of the relationship. Most of all someone who takes pleasure in them and is proud of their talents. She or he lives to make the Dominant happy.
So what about this relationship is so taboo? The fact that it is also rooted in BDSM. D/s lifestylers engage in different levels of bondism during sexual and personal relationship exchanges. Keep in mind this is fetish and kink NOT abuse. In a healthy relationship the Dominant and submissive spend time sharing those personal desires and build a bond of trust.
A submissive who has spent time with and placed trust in a Dominant will allow themself to be tied or cuffed without any fear that the Dominant will cause them physical harm. In fact they are clear and know that the Dominant is going to bring them complete pleasure by making them "helpless" in the encounter.
Understand there are different levels of kink in this lifestyle and the difficult part is meeting someone who has matching desires and needs. A submissive who enjoys spankings during sex is not going to find happiness with a Dominant that refuses to do this. This is one of the big reasons why bonds formed in D/s tend to be very very strong. The time it takes to build this trust, share this information with each other, and build that level of adoration that makes a submissive kneel.
So what about "womens rights"? If a woman has a right to choose then why can she not choose to give her love to a Dominant? What is so awful about her LOVING to cook and clean for Him? And for the record: not JUST women are submissive. There are many men who enjoy giving control to a Dominant woman. In fact D/s has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Gay and lesbian D/s exsists too.
D/s is a MINDSET. A submissive person who craves the control and pleasures of a Dominant. A Dominant person who craves that adoration and the challenge of taking charge.
Finally "Safe and Sane". Obviously this is a lifestyle in which certain unsavory and unkind people can hide. A trained submissive learns things such as limits and safewords. Limits are the things one is willing or unwilling to do in the confines of a relationship. Finding a Dominant that shares these limits is key. Again if a submissive has a limit against being spanked and that is a fetish of the Dominant the relationship wont work. Knowing your personal limits and taking time to know a person, share that information before being in a dangerous situation is the "sane" part.
Safewords are words chosen that when spoken by the submissive indicate they have become uncomfortable with the play and in an area that makes them frightened or angry. Once a safeword is spoken by a submissive, a Dominant should stop the scene at once and talk with the submissive. The Dominant would be wise to find out what about the play was upsetting to the submissive because this will give the Dom an indication of possible hidden fears and walls that need to be worked on. Or perhaps the submissive has discovered a new hard limit they were not aware of before. Whatever the reason a safeword is given, the first response should always be that the play is stopped and the submissive's limits respected.
Kink is something everyone (even the most vanilla of people) have. Its just that some folks admit it and some dont. The levels of kink or fetish can be as simple as enjoying someone giving them foot adoration (kissing etc. of the feet and toes) to extreme levels of bondage including chains, rough sex, whippings and humiliation. The key here is that it is between consenting adults who find these kinks essential to sexual pleasure. No one has the right to tell you your personal kink is wrong or bad (unless it causes real harm to innocent people who had no intention of being in the situation). It is NOT abuse if i WILLINGLY choose to let my Dominant cane me because it brings me pleasure. This is what the vanilla world has issue with and can not seem to see past.
The bottom line and my personal sub-stance: before you judge another persons lifestyle or personal fetish ask yourself if your opinion has any merit. Is it really your place to judge what does not concern you? Would you let someone else make judgment about your sexplay and relationships that was not involved? Sure its ok to have an opinion...but i have one too, and a right to my personal life choices so unless someone asks for your opinion..AND it is based on real knowledge before you speak...keep it zipped ;)
But to understand the lifestyle of D/s one needs to understand what it is first. Often it is mistaken for abuse, weakness and anti feminism. These misconceptions could not be further from the truth. And it is the judgments made by people who are ignorant to the lifestyle that hurt the integrity of the lifestyle the most.
D/s stands for Dominant and submissive. In the custom of this lifestyle one person; the submissive, gives control of themselves to a Dominant. A Dominant is one who is very strong willed, decisive, and who thrives on providing care and training to others. Dominants have many other traits as well but the base trait is that they get ultimate pleasure from being in control of the the relationship and of the submissive.
Before the lynching begins understand this: a submissive gives this control willingly. It is a desire in themselves to give all they are and all they wish to be to a Dominants guidance. It is part of their nature to want to please and need the feeling of security that someone is in charge. They willingly submit themselves to this service. BUT it is the Dominants responsibility to provide the submissive with protection, guidance and training through life to help them be the best people they can.
D/s is never abusive. D/s is a relationship between two consenting adults. Point of fact one of the most common mantras in the D/s lifestyle is "Safe, Sane, and Consensual".
Too often "domination" is confused with abuse such as savage beatings from anger and forced work. True Dominance has nothing to do with this.
A trained and informed Dominant cares for their submissive, loves and cherishes the gift the submissive gives.
They teach a submissive to overcome obstacles, past emotional issues, and self doubt among other things. While they do this, they give support and protection. If a Dominant gives a rule such as a bed time for the submissive chances are its because the submissive needs more sleep in order to be healthier and is not taking care of that themself.
Bare in mind that this does not make the submissive "weak" or "stupid" or incapable of living on their own. On the contrary. Submissives tend to be extremely educated and intelligent. Most, in fact, hold high power jobs and are in control of a great deal. But they tend to ignore their own needs in favor of others needs and even put themselves dead last in care. They are strong to be sure. A submissive needs to be strong enough to kneel. Certainly strong enough to give that trust to a Dominant.
But in a relationship they crave to give that control. They need to feel they have a safe and loving heart to turn to that will take the burdens and fears away. Someone who will guide them and take control of the relationship. Most of all someone who takes pleasure in them and is proud of their talents. She or he lives to make the Dominant happy.
So what about this relationship is so taboo? The fact that it is also rooted in BDSM. D/s lifestylers engage in different levels of bondism during sexual and personal relationship exchanges. Keep in mind this is fetish and kink NOT abuse. In a healthy relationship the Dominant and submissive spend time sharing those personal desires and build a bond of trust.
A submissive who has spent time with and placed trust in a Dominant will allow themself to be tied or cuffed without any fear that the Dominant will cause them physical harm. In fact they are clear and know that the Dominant is going to bring them complete pleasure by making them "helpless" in the encounter.
Understand there are different levels of kink in this lifestyle and the difficult part is meeting someone who has matching desires and needs. A submissive who enjoys spankings during sex is not going to find happiness with a Dominant that refuses to do this. This is one of the big reasons why bonds formed in D/s tend to be very very strong. The time it takes to build this trust, share this information with each other, and build that level of adoration that makes a submissive kneel.
So what about "womens rights"? If a woman has a right to choose then why can she not choose to give her love to a Dominant? What is so awful about her LOVING to cook and clean for Him? And for the record: not JUST women are submissive. There are many men who enjoy giving control to a Dominant woman. In fact D/s has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Gay and lesbian D/s exsists too.
D/s is a MINDSET. A submissive person who craves the control and pleasures of a Dominant. A Dominant person who craves that adoration and the challenge of taking charge.
Finally "Safe and Sane". Obviously this is a lifestyle in which certain unsavory and unkind people can hide. A trained submissive learns things such as limits and safewords. Limits are the things one is willing or unwilling to do in the confines of a relationship. Finding a Dominant that shares these limits is key. Again if a submissive has a limit against being spanked and that is a fetish of the Dominant the relationship wont work. Knowing your personal limits and taking time to know a person, share that information before being in a dangerous situation is the "sane" part.
Safewords are words chosen that when spoken by the submissive indicate they have become uncomfortable with the play and in an area that makes them frightened or angry. Once a safeword is spoken by a submissive, a Dominant should stop the scene at once and talk with the submissive. The Dominant would be wise to find out what about the play was upsetting to the submissive because this will give the Dom an indication of possible hidden fears and walls that need to be worked on. Or perhaps the submissive has discovered a new hard limit they were not aware of before. Whatever the reason a safeword is given, the first response should always be that the play is stopped and the submissive's limits respected.
Kink is something everyone (even the most vanilla of people) have. Its just that some folks admit it and some dont. The levels of kink or fetish can be as simple as enjoying someone giving them foot adoration (kissing etc. of the feet and toes) to extreme levels of bondage including chains, rough sex, whippings and humiliation. The key here is that it is between consenting adults who find these kinks essential to sexual pleasure. No one has the right to tell you your personal kink is wrong or bad (unless it causes real harm to innocent people who had no intention of being in the situation). It is NOT abuse if i WILLINGLY choose to let my Dominant cane me because it brings me pleasure. This is what the vanilla world has issue with and can not seem to see past.
The bottom line and my personal sub-stance: before you judge another persons lifestyle or personal fetish ask yourself if your opinion has any merit. Is it really your place to judge what does not concern you? Would you let someone else make judgment about your sexplay and relationships that was not involved? Sure its ok to have an opinion...but i have one too, and a right to my personal life choices so unless someone asks for your opinion..AND it is based on real knowledge before you speak...keep it zipped ;)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Power Owned
The Power Owned
The power "owned" is mine
to do as i see fit
But if i take collar that binds
i must then remind
i am no longer the keeper
of it.
---Sarrah Darkfold
A silly little poem perhaps but something of a "hot button" topic at the castle of late. In my first post i touched on the fact that as a submissive i have given myself completely to my Master. For those just learning this means entirely. And it is just that point that some of the newer submissive members are having an issue with.
How much do you give the Dominant? Everything. They are the ones that hold all power once that collar has been accepted by the submissive. The Dominant is the one who makes the decisions, the Dominant is the one who gives the orders, and the Dominant is the one that defines all the rules of the House. This includes all the rules that govern the life of the submissive. That is what the term "to submit" means. To surrender power to the will of another.
Obviously it behooves the submissive to take her or his sweet time in choosing exactly who should be given this very costly gift. Make sure this person is one you would consider a friend and soul you trust with your life because that is what you are giving. And then make darn tootin sure you have a full power exchange set out before you allow that collar to be placed.
For those who have not read up on a power exchange in the front page of the Solace website: A full power exchange is, in effect, a contractual agreement between the Dominant and submissive as to what each expects of the relationship, needs from the relationship, and the hard limits that each has within said relationship. This is where you lay all cards on the table as to what you will agree to or not. And if at this point you don't agree with something the Dominant wants from you...go home before you even get started. Once you have given your vows to the Dominant and accepted their terms in the form of wearing the collar you belong to them.
I say this because it would seem some new submissives have the impression they can change a Dominants mind once they are collared or control the Dominant through manipulation such as refusing pleasure. This, in the lifestyle, is called topping from the bottom. And no Dominant likes a topper. Whether it is in the real or virtual world makes no difference either. If you agree to the Dominants demand that you wear what They please you are bound to that agreement. If you agree to adhere to a daily exercise routine then you are bound to it. Any attempt after the fact to try and change this agreement is a break of trust with that Dominant and grounds for them to uncollar and send you packin.
But it goes further than this too. Once collared, a submissive must give control of all decisions to that Dominant. Even if the submissive is not happy with a decision and has expressed (with respect please) to the Dominant why they are not comfortable with that decision...that decision is still up to the Dominant. In the end..whether the submissive likes the idea or not they are bound to obey. So now we see the wisdom in making very sure the Dominant you submit to is one that is compatible with you too. One who has similar opinions and ideas, who has similar tastes and needs, and one you have come to know well enough to respect even if the rare moment comes that you don't agree.
Keep in mind this is not a vanilla marriage where everything is even-stevens. Whats good for the goose is up to the goose and the gander accepts what is given. Simply put: the submissive does not own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive.
All of this at first glance may make it seem almost pointless to be a submissive. Why hand the power of my life over to some one and not be able to have a say in what THEY do? Well first...if you truly are submissive then this is something you already want and need in a relationship. Second...the life of a Dominant is no bowl of cherries. Consider this:
The life of a submissive is in His or Her hand. Submissives are not dogs you feed twice a day and take for an afternoon run or fish you toss food at once a day and forget. Submissives are humans who have lives. They have family, work, baggage, history, fears, needs (both emotional and physical), desires, and above all ...issues. When a Dominant accepts the gift offered...the gift of a submissives life..they are taking ALL of this as their responsibility. They are accepting that any decision they make and order they give that person comes back to them. If They make a poor judgement, the failure that comes from that judgment is Their failure. If a submissive is emotionally (or worse, physically) harmed by following the Dominants order it is on the head of the Dominant. And finally all the submissives baggage is now the Dominants responsibility too. It is the Dominant who must find ways to teach the submissive, protect the submissive, help them grow, explore, improve, and be healthy in all ways.
Suddenly being a Dominant isn't so easy. It is a massive responsibility. A submissive may find it hard to obey certain orders...even painful..but that same order may be just as hard for the Dominant to give. Keep in mind a submissive is also the Dominants treasure and joy. Giving a hard order in an attempt to improve that submissives life can be more gut wrenching to have to hand down then to follow if only because when you love someone it is sometimes hard to do what is best for them. And THAT is the power of true positive Domination. The ability to lift up a submissive and make them better than they were or thought possible through loving guidance.
It is that loving guidance, my sisters and brothers, that we as submissives need and seek. One who loves us enough to be strong for us and WITH us if necessary. One strong enough to take responsibility from us so that we don't need to feel the burden of life's "issues" or at the very least not feel them nearly so much. It is not our place to tell the Dominant what decisions to make, what to do, or how to do it. Because we didn't want it to be our place. When we take that collar and offer ourselves as the ultimate gift we hand complete power of ownership to the Dominant so that they CAN Dominate us.
My final stance on this: If you are not able to accept becoming owned completely by another, then do not take a collar. You are not ready to be submissive.
to do as i see fit
But if i take collar that binds
i must then remind
i am no longer the keeper
of it.
---Sarrah Darkfold
A silly little poem perhaps but something of a "hot button" topic at the castle of late. In my first post i touched on the fact that as a submissive i have given myself completely to my Master. For those just learning this means entirely. And it is just that point that some of the newer submissive members are having an issue with.
How much do you give the Dominant? Everything. They are the ones that hold all power once that collar has been accepted by the submissive. The Dominant is the one who makes the decisions, the Dominant is the one who gives the orders, and the Dominant is the one that defines all the rules of the House. This includes all the rules that govern the life of the submissive. That is what the term "to submit" means. To surrender power to the will of another.
Obviously it behooves the submissive to take her or his sweet time in choosing exactly who should be given this very costly gift. Make sure this person is one you would consider a friend and soul you trust with your life because that is what you are giving. And then make darn tootin sure you have a full power exchange set out before you allow that collar to be placed.
For those who have not read up on a power exchange in the front page of the Solace website: A full power exchange is, in effect, a contractual agreement between the Dominant and submissive as to what each expects of the relationship, needs from the relationship, and the hard limits that each has within said relationship. This is where you lay all cards on the table as to what you will agree to or not. And if at this point you don't agree with something the Dominant wants from you...go home before you even get started. Once you have given your vows to the Dominant and accepted their terms in the form of wearing the collar you belong to them.
I say this because it would seem some new submissives have the impression they can change a Dominants mind once they are collared or control the Dominant through manipulation such as refusing pleasure. This, in the lifestyle, is called topping from the bottom. And no Dominant likes a topper. Whether it is in the real or virtual world makes no difference either. If you agree to the Dominants demand that you wear what They please you are bound to that agreement. If you agree to adhere to a daily exercise routine then you are bound to it. Any attempt after the fact to try and change this agreement is a break of trust with that Dominant and grounds for them to uncollar and send you packin.
But it goes further than this too. Once collared, a submissive must give control of all decisions to that Dominant. Even if the submissive is not happy with a decision and has expressed (with respect please) to the Dominant why they are not comfortable with that decision...that decision is still up to the Dominant. In the end..whether the submissive likes the idea or not they are bound to obey. So now we see the wisdom in making very sure the Dominant you submit to is one that is compatible with you too. One who has similar opinions and ideas, who has similar tastes and needs, and one you have come to know well enough to respect even if the rare moment comes that you don't agree.
Keep in mind this is not a vanilla marriage where everything is even-stevens. Whats good for the goose is up to the goose and the gander accepts what is given. Simply put: the submissive does not own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive.
All of this at first glance may make it seem almost pointless to be a submissive. Why hand the power of my life over to some one and not be able to have a say in what THEY do? Well first...if you truly are submissive then this is something you already want and need in a relationship. Second...the life of a Dominant is no bowl of cherries. Consider this:
The life of a submissive is in His or Her hand. Submissives are not dogs you feed twice a day and take for an afternoon run or fish you toss food at once a day and forget. Submissives are humans who have lives. They have family, work, baggage, history, fears, needs (both emotional and physical), desires, and above all ...issues. When a Dominant accepts the gift offered...the gift of a submissives life..they are taking ALL of this as their responsibility. They are accepting that any decision they make and order they give that person comes back to them. If They make a poor judgement, the failure that comes from that judgment is Their failure. If a submissive is emotionally (or worse, physically) harmed by following the Dominants order it is on the head of the Dominant. And finally all the submissives baggage is now the Dominants responsibility too. It is the Dominant who must find ways to teach the submissive, protect the submissive, help them grow, explore, improve, and be healthy in all ways.
Suddenly being a Dominant isn't so easy. It is a massive responsibility. A submissive may find it hard to obey certain orders...even painful..but that same order may be just as hard for the Dominant to give. Keep in mind a submissive is also the Dominants treasure and joy. Giving a hard order in an attempt to improve that submissives life can be more gut wrenching to have to hand down then to follow if only because when you love someone it is sometimes hard to do what is best for them. And THAT is the power of true positive Domination. The ability to lift up a submissive and make them better than they were or thought possible through loving guidance.
It is that loving guidance, my sisters and brothers, that we as submissives need and seek. One who loves us enough to be strong for us and WITH us if necessary. One strong enough to take responsibility from us so that we don't need to feel the burden of life's "issues" or at the very least not feel them nearly so much. It is not our place to tell the Dominant what decisions to make, what to do, or how to do it. Because we didn't want it to be our place. When we take that collar and offer ourselves as the ultimate gift we hand complete power of ownership to the Dominant so that they CAN Dominate us.
My final stance on this: If you are not able to accept becoming owned completely by another, then do not take a collar. You are not ready to be submissive.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Grateful Heart
Yes i know. Thanks Giving is over. But maybe that is exactly why this is a good time to really think about gratitude. The hub of activity is past, the china washed and put away, and the big turkey reduced to a soup pot. Christmas is just around the corner but right now there is a chance to take a breath and reflect on the meanings of things like real gifts and gratitude.
The definition of a gift is something of value given freely without the expectation of anything in return. We already know submission itself is a gift. That for us as submissives our gift to our Dominant is our very being and is a gift (if given fully) that has more value than any dollar amount; our very life and breath. We offer ourselves in the service of the Dominant in the deepest hope that we can please them, be useful to them, and bring them happiness in being Dominant. We give this gift (hopefully) to the One we feel has earned the trust and respect from us necessary to kneel. When you really think about it, the most valued of gifts we give are only for those we truly DO feel trust and respect for. After all what is the point of giving a gift to someone we don't feel will appreciate its worth? This is why i stress over and over that submissives take their time and be certain when they give themselves. Don't give that gift until you are sure it will be respected.
Of course the next question is likely to be "but what of the Dominant's gift in return?" Well if you are expecting gifts in return then you have already lost the meaning of "gift". But then vanilla training has us programed to expect things in return. Unfortunately this mindset has created a generation of people with a sense of entitlement. If you buy your best friend a gift does that make it manditory they give one back? True gifts don't come with strings. The greatest gift back your friend can give is enjoying the gift you gave.
Thus is the point of a Dominant's gift. That They appreciate the gift of submission. The gifts of the Dominant are sadly often overlooked and unappreciated by the submissive. A Dominant gives care, time, guidence, fogiveness, protection, and many other gifts. All of this they give as they appreciate the submissive. Yet too often i have heard submissives complain these are not "enough". Yes it is easy to expect more once these things are given but once it is expected ..its not a gift. Even worse are the "compairson shoppers". The ones who compair what the Dominant gives them to what is given to others. "He gives her more time" or "She cares more about my siblings problems than mine". These concepts only make us sound like spoiled children competing for attention.
Its not about competition or entitlement. Its about being grateful for the gift. If your Dominant spends time with you...cherish that time. If your Dominant gives you direction or correction...listen and try to learn from it. Realize that when a Dominant gives these things, He or She is appreciating your gift of submission..and giving back by BEING Dominant. Understand that they give these things because they do respect your gift and not because they "owe" it to you. And whatever they give to other people has nothing to do with the value of the gifts they give to you. A gift only has value if the person who receives it truly appreciates it. If my RL collar had been a macaroni necklace i would have loved it just as much because its not the object itself that mattered..but the spirit and love behind Master giving it to me that mattered.
The only time a gift like this should be questioned is if it is not appreciated at all. A Dominant that does not appreciate the submissive will not give any time or effort. Thus the gift of submission was given to someone who really didnt want it. Sort of like giving someone a very expensive coat for christmas and they never wear it. Maybe it doesnt fit, or maybe they already have enough..they thank you for it and maybe even feel a little bad but they just dont want it. You cant demand they wear it...or give it back. Nor can you expect them to give you one in return or repay you for it. You have to simply accept the gift was not appreciated and make better choices next time.
But if the coat is worn with a smile, even just a few times during the season, treasure its worth and take joy from knowing it is cherished.
**Dedicated to Master: I see every day in the little things You do how much You love and cherish me. Your love and care of me means more then i have words for. Thank You Master..with all my heart.
The definition of a gift is something of value given freely without the expectation of anything in return. We already know submission itself is a gift. That for us as submissives our gift to our Dominant is our very being and is a gift (if given fully) that has more value than any dollar amount; our very life and breath. We offer ourselves in the service of the Dominant in the deepest hope that we can please them, be useful to them, and bring them happiness in being Dominant. We give this gift (hopefully) to the One we feel has earned the trust and respect from us necessary to kneel. When you really think about it, the most valued of gifts we give are only for those we truly DO feel trust and respect for. After all what is the point of giving a gift to someone we don't feel will appreciate its worth? This is why i stress over and over that submissives take their time and be certain when they give themselves. Don't give that gift until you are sure it will be respected.
Of course the next question is likely to be "but what of the Dominant's gift in return?" Well if you are expecting gifts in return then you have already lost the meaning of "gift". But then vanilla training has us programed to expect things in return. Unfortunately this mindset has created a generation of people with a sense of entitlement. If you buy your best friend a gift does that make it manditory they give one back? True gifts don't come with strings. The greatest gift back your friend can give is enjoying the gift you gave.
Thus is the point of a Dominant's gift. That They appreciate the gift of submission. The gifts of the Dominant are sadly often overlooked and unappreciated by the submissive. A Dominant gives care, time, guidence, fogiveness, protection, and many other gifts. All of this they give as they appreciate the submissive. Yet too often i have heard submissives complain these are not "enough". Yes it is easy to expect more once these things are given but once it is expected ..its not a gift. Even worse are the "compairson shoppers". The ones who compair what the Dominant gives them to what is given to others. "He gives her more time" or "She cares more about my siblings problems than mine". These concepts only make us sound like spoiled children competing for attention.
Its not about competition or entitlement. Its about being grateful for the gift. If your Dominant spends time with you...cherish that time. If your Dominant gives you direction or correction...listen and try to learn from it. Realize that when a Dominant gives these things, He or She is appreciating your gift of submission..and giving back by BEING Dominant. Understand that they give these things because they do respect your gift and not because they "owe" it to you. And whatever they give to other people has nothing to do with the value of the gifts they give to you. A gift only has value if the person who receives it truly appreciates it. If my RL collar had been a macaroni necklace i would have loved it just as much because its not the object itself that mattered..but the spirit and love behind Master giving it to me that mattered.
The only time a gift like this should be questioned is if it is not appreciated at all. A Dominant that does not appreciate the submissive will not give any time or effort. Thus the gift of submission was given to someone who really didnt want it. Sort of like giving someone a very expensive coat for christmas and they never wear it. Maybe it doesnt fit, or maybe they already have enough..they thank you for it and maybe even feel a little bad but they just dont want it. You cant demand they wear it...or give it back. Nor can you expect them to give you one in return or repay you for it. You have to simply accept the gift was not appreciated and make better choices next time.
But if the coat is worn with a smile, even just a few times during the season, treasure its worth and take joy from knowing it is cherished.
**Dedicated to Master: I see every day in the little things You do how much You love and cherish me. Your love and care of me means more then i have words for. Thank You Master..with all my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)