20 Rules To Live By, Rule #3

(Image found via Google.  Unaltered.)

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Have I got it?

Cause mirror you've always told me who I am

And I'm finding it's not easy

To be perfect

So sorry, you won't define me

Sorry, you don't own me

Alright.  So.  I happened to be listening to that song while I'm writing this.  I'll try and bring up it's relevancy to my thought process a little later.  Lol.

I thought this would go without saying, but I guess it should be stated... anything that people voluntarily offer to this blog is just that... voluntarily offered... and are the thoughts in their mind, the feelings in their heart, etc, that they have chosen to share with those of you who stop by to read.  No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read anything... and therefore, if you read something you don't like... *points to the red x*  You don't need to leave disrespectful comments on the entries.  That's rude, and will ultimately cause the people who voluntarily contribute here to stop contributing.

Anyway... now that that's out of the way...

20 Rules To Live By, Rule #3

Know your enemies, and never become your own worst one.

This rule is broken up into two rather clear parts: 1.) Know your enemy, 2.) Never become your own worst one.  I find the second part of this particular amusing, because aren't we always told that we ARE our own worst enemy? We are our own worst enemy, our own worst critic... there never seems to be any wiggle room here... like there was never a choice in the matter, we simply just ARE.  However, with this rule, it seems to be suggested that there is an evolutionary process... or, rather, de-evolutionary (if it wasn't a word, it is now) process... that one goes through in order to BECOME their own worst enemy.  One that can be stopped if we have the forethought, the presence of mind, and the willpower to keep it from happening.

Part one, on the other hand, seems pretty simple.  Know your enemies.  And I'm not talking, "Oh, well Bob Schmoe just doesn't like me," kind of knowing.  But at the same time, I'm not talking, like, knowing them in a biblical sense, either.  (Though for some, that might be a kink... hate sex.)  Know about the person... perhaps there's someone in their past you remind them of and that's why they're not your biggest fan.  Perhaps, for you older women out there, you remind them of their mother, and their mother happened to be emotionally abusive.  Maybe, for the younger ones, we remind them of their child who ran away from home and hasn't bothered to call or write for 15 years.  Maybe we remind them of an ex.  Maybe we ARE their ex.  There are lots of possibilities.  And I feel like the most important part of knowing your enemy is knowing why they consider you an enemy.  If you can't relate to the person and at least try to understand, that's when drama breaks out.  At least if you attempt to understand, you know what subjects to avoid if there are instances that you HAVE to be around each other.  (Like, say, discussions.  I'm not about to leave a discussion I was interested in just because I may not like someone there.)

But part 2 of that rule is the part that I really want to focus on: "Never become your own worst one."

That suggestion of a de-evolutionary process to BECOMING your own worst enemy, as though it can be stopped, is definitely and interesting concept to me, and not one that I had previously considered before reading this rule.  However, as I read it, and as I look back on it, I can see where it can happen.  I watched it happen this evening.

I will not bring up specifics.  That is one thing I will do my absolute damnedest not to do here.  This is not a place to slander someone.

Tonight in a discussion we discussed the idea of breaking large, seemingly impossible tasks, like putting the pieces back together after a breakup, into smaller, manageable steps.  I LOVE this idea, as I do it for a lot of things in my life to keep from getting overwhelmed.  However, as I've seen tonight, it can be a very destructive process when used in the wrong way.  Let me relate it to a situation in my RL that played out in much the same way as a situation a friend of mine found herself in tonight.  I'd rather make an example out of myself than her.

I used to frequent a swingers club in my local community, as it had a small dungeon space, and it was where my Mentors went to teach the swingers and other newcomers to the lifestyle about the basics of sceneplay.  The Female counterpart of the couple that was Mentoring me at the time absolutely LOVES to do peoples' first floggings.  So I would often sit and watch and just have a good time.  I rarely scened.  I was more an observer.  Especially since they were Mentoring me in Topping moreso than bottoming in sceneplay.  (This was back in a time when I identified as a Switch.)

Now, while spending some time in the front half of the club where the music was playing, the kitchen with the drinks were, etc, I ended up meeting a couple of really nice people.  The female who became one of my closest friends at the club, let's call her Jennifer, introduced me to the male friend she usually came with, let's call him Micah.  Jennifer was a lesbian who pretty much only came with Micah to try and get him laid in a threesome... lol.  Jennifer caught the eye of another friend of mine and they wandered off together, leaving Micah and I to talk.

I don't engage in sexual encounters on the first meeting.  I just don't.  That should be noted here.

After a few moments of talking and getting to know the basics of each other, Micah asked me if I wanted to go back to one of the rooms with Him.  I declined.  I was content to just talk and continue to learn a little more about him, and he about me.  (I had been given the small task for the evening to offer to light the cigarettes of anyone I was sitting with and had been given a lighter to do so.  He asked about it and so I explained the basis of what was going on.)

We talked for another hour and a half or so and he asked again if I wanted to go back to a room with him. I said no.  He asked if I would take him back to the dungeon to show him.  I said sure and walked him slowly back there (to make sure there wasn't a scene in progress.  The space is small enough that it would be unsafe to turn the corner into the dungeon if Miss was playing on the cross She preferred.)  He stood and watched for a minute and then suddenly ducked away.  I followed him to ask if he was alright and if he had any questions.  He said he couldn't stand to watch the pain.  (Miss had started using a single tail whip.)  We walked through the halls, and the rooms had all different kind of set ups and themes, and if the doors were open, we looked at each one.

We sat down on one of the couches in a 'common' area.  It was out in the open, but away from both the dungeon and the club area.  We talked a little bit more and suddenly he kissed me.  I relented and kissed him back, and this continued for a few minutes.  He asked me again to go back to a room with him, and I agreed under the pretense of "no sex."  He agreed.

Once we were in the room, his entire gameplan changed.  Kissing became more aggressive, and it wasn't until I stopped him and told him he was going too far that he backed off.  If I hadn't stood up for myself, I am pretty sure he would've tried to go the rest of the way.

The point of my sharing that story?  He had tried from the beginning to present the 'big picture' idea of sleeping with him. I  declined... so he started using smaller steps against me.  Getting up from the table, getting me alone, getting me to agree to be in the room, and then trying again once we were alone.

There are two different ways I could look at this scenario.  Well, ok, technically three.

1. I could blame him for EVERYTHING that happened... call him a pig, cry predator, and get him removed from the club and ever being allowed to return again.  I could've told Miss and Sir about the whole thing, who knew the club owner, who knew other club owners, and the whole thing would've spread like wildfire, as these things normally do... all while I shirked any kind of responsibility I had in it.
2. I could do just the opposite and blame the WHOLE thing on myself.  Granted, HE used some pretty shady tactics to get me back there in the first place, but I could go completely into myself and start picking the situation apart.  "I should've gotten up and walked away the first time he offered."  "I never should've offered to show him the dungeon."  "I should've stayed in the dungeon with Miss and Sir when Micah left."  "I should've never been on that couch with him."  "I should've never agreed to go into the room with him."  All these things I should've or could've done, and I could continue to beat myself up over the situation, all while not acknowledging that HE had used some pretty under-handed tactics to get me in that room in the first place.

Or, I could use the much more harmonious alternative, and "own my own shit"... the things I probably didn't do as well as I could... while still acknowledging that he wasn't completely innocent in the matter either.  I should not have agreed to go into that room, even with agreeing to 'no sex'... but at the same time, he should not have pressured me into the room in the first place.

Now, after that experience, did I haul up in my corner, say all men are pigs, and refuse to return to that club without the direct order of Miss or Sir, knowing I was going to be accompanied by them?  No.  Did I refuse to be around Micah at all?  No.  Like I said, Jennifer became a close friend of mine, so Micah was kinda part of the picture.  I picked myself up by the bootstraps, learned from the situation, and returned to that club just like I always had.  I didn't let that one bad experience with a man only thinking with his lower head ruin my entire experience with the club.  I have a lot of pleasant memories with that club, and I intend to go back here soon.  (In fact, trying to plan a trip for about 2 weeks from now.)

Just remember...

Rules To Live By, Rule #3: "Know your enemies, and never become your own worst one."